I’m fucked up. There’s no other way to say that. I’m barely a teenager, and I’ve been cutting and drinking and hoping to die since before I was a teen at all. My life is great, loving family, getting by financially, the only flaw is my father, and he’s not a big enough part to matter.   So why am I so numb?
It used to be anxiety, depression, horrible fits of one or both, but never underlying, aching, burning pain like this, all the time. I can’t see or feel or be aware of almost anything outside myself. It’s like I’m asleep, all the time. Except for this pulsing, painful ache all through me, all the time.
Nothing is worth anything.
Everything’s closing in.
I can’t breath.
But everything is so far away…
Too far away to help me.
I just want it to end, but I don’t want to take the plunge.