This is what i deserve

Oh here i am writting again, i think this is the only place i can express how i really feel or maybe evn here i cant. i mean its so hard to explain what goes through my fucked up head, im so angry at myself i just want to pull my hair out till the pain is no longer felt. In my previous posts i wrote about my boyfriend and i guess this one is devoted to him too. So where do i start…. sometimes we say things in anger and stress which we dont mean and sometimes the things we mean we dont say… when it comes to me i cant getthem two right.  Its like everything i do no matter how much i want it to work out right, eventually goes wrong and then its too late to fix it. and you know whats worse than fucking it up in the first place , its this hope thatit will be fine in the end your in love eventually you wil work out… give eachother some space…well this hope is a *****, because stuff never works out it just gets worse and worse and you watch it all fall apart and you like an animal in a cage you  cant do nothing, its like some devlish power just put a curse on your life and on your relationships with people you love and it just currupts it and ruins it, and then you realise that devilish power is you and then the hope for better days dies and you die with it.  I mean i cant even explain how much i hate myself, how much i hate my life for it to reflect it enough. I cant cope anymore my heart is so broken by the words said and not said, i feel like im going to callapse while writing this, but i need to write this note otherwise i will do something stupid, im such a fuck up cant ever get anything right. I want to scream at the top of my lungs i want to get this devil out of me, why am i such a bad person i dont deserve to be alive there are so many people fighting in car crushes that should take my space, i shouldnt be breathing this air anymore i dont understand why god sees what im doing to myself and others and doesnt just take my life away from me, im not worth it i dont deserve this life, or maybe even wishing for death is too much why should he take this suffering away from me i mean i deserve it i deserve this burning and this pain till im not able to breath anymore, maybe this is what i deserve in the end im a bad person and i need to be alone i need to dissapear from everyones life i cant carry on hurting people so instead im gone hurt myself, not physically cutting dont help im going to tount myself and punish myself till i dont have the energy to do it anymore, because this is what i deserve for hurting people i love, this is exaclty what im made for pain and suffering.