How do i give someone i love a huge wake up call without them getting hurt or angry at me?
I hate asking for advice but i need to tell someone what they are currently doing is not how to live a happy life and that although i love them very much i really need them to move into the next phase of their journey and leave behind all these current issues. Because i fear that if they don’t take responsibility and move on soon then i may have to leave/lose them.
And i don’t want to lose/leave them.
But how do i tell them this without sounding like the negative people currently saying “You’re useless”. They surround this person and i don’t want to become one of these people.
I don’t want to sound like them and really need help putting my feelings into words without sounding like an ultimatum or a threat.
I’m scared.
3 comments
I don’t have an answer, just a caution: in my 53 years of experience, there is no way to say this to someone and not get a bad reaction. It is at the heart of what hurts in this world: we may have the best intentions in the world, but telling anyone that their behavior shoukld change is sticking your face into a buzzsaw. There is a 99.9% probability that you will get badly hurt, and .1% chance that you will cause the buzzsaw to stop being a buzzsaw.
Your choices are this: express it as best you can, and hang on for some rough weather; I am not saying you will be abandoned, in fact you probably will NOT be abandoned, but thingsw ill be stormy. OR. say nothing, recognizing that people rarely change. You can accept the behavior of the other and try to live with it, or look elsewhere.
Many old sayings are born of generations of human experience and futility: leopards are not gonna change their spots. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. The odds are against you any time you ask someone else to do something other than what they do by nature.
Be cautious, be hopeful, but be realistic.
The issue is with you not them. Obviously you are wanting good things for them and you feel they are not going in the best direction for themselves. However whenever you place negative attention on someone, it’s bound to have a negative result.
So if it’s something you still really feel the need to express…you best express from a place of how it’s affecting you. My brother tried to tell me I need to improve my health and he projected on to me ‘his’ idea of what was best for me. His reasons for telling me this were based on HIS fear of what may happen to him if I don’t change….we all project or think we know what is best for others when we can only hold a positive space for them and allow them to be who they are and experience whatever it is. Otherwise you are attempting to control them, and no one including yourself would like that. How would you feel if someone told you, you should wake up and etc….Perhaps it’s about you accepting where they’re at and being okay with it and being a positive support for them. Perhaps it’s more about your changing your perception about your friend than them having to change for you. At any given point, we’re either motivated by love or fear. Being motivated to do something from a positive place for yourself tends to being about a pleasing result for all involved. Cheers!
A persons journey is highly personal. Abusers will never take someone elses advice until you kick their ass senseless and put the hurt to them and threaten them with destruction. Kind words do not unlock iron doors, battering rams do.