no one understands me, no one knows how much i suffer everyday, i cant believe im depressed again. i lost my loved one, i wish i was better for them, i wish i brought myself to show love and affection, i couldnt, i couldnt even keep myself up while im being stressed from school and everything, its so hard for me after the 4th(?) break up, it killed me, no matter how much i love him nothing will be the same. i dont wanna be with him anymore but i do, im confused, im so confused, i dont know what i want but all i know is that i love him, i love him so much, i lost the only person that never used me for sexual stuff and truly loved me, he was my best friend and a lover at the same time, he was as fucked as me, we loved the same stuff and he was the only one i was rlly open to, ive told him stuff that i never did to anyone else, he was special to me… now hes gone, i wanna believe that everything will be okay and i wont be hurt anymore and miss him, but the problem is that he’ll still have a place in my heart. ive never loved someone this much before, i felt like my first real love, i never understood how old people still have feelings for each other, but now i do.. thanks to him. i just wish everything was okay and the relationship wasnt toxic, it was the best relationship ive ever had..sadly its the real end now, i ruined everything, if only i wasnt this stupid to bring my depression back id be better for him. i think of him all day everyday, i miss him so much every second, i dont wanna be w someone else.. i just need him… our memories, its all gone now, it hurts so bad, but what hurts even more is that even if we got back again it wouldnt be the same. his name that i have on myself as a scar will be the forever.. even my dog reminds me of him because he liked her so much. his precious voice..his face, everything is gone now, i feel so lonely.. i just need a hug
By: yours truly (a sick in the head teenager)
TW ig idk how to do this lol um sh suicidal thought and questioning everything and also SA
Why? A question I find myself asking quite often. What is the point in anything if its all nothing. In 150 years, everyone who is alive at this moment, will be dead. Including yours truly. Though it is up to us how we spend those years. A sad realization my 13 year old self has come to is, in lets say 500 years, no one will know of my existence and probably yours as well. Unless of course you and I become famous to an extreme extent, or one of us becomes a notorious serial killer(that’s one way of getting your name out there lol). I don’t know why I have taken this sudden dislike of people. I cry a lot, I wish I was dead, I don’t think that makes me suicidal, right? I don’t want to do it myself per say, more like casually have an anvil swing down and crush most if not all bones in my body. I should go get my meds right now.
Wow already one paragraph down only a couple more to go. I have struggled like this since sixth grade. I was extremely bad for a few months and tried to hurt myself to make it all stop. No one noticed. Even when I wore a long sleeved shirt under my jersey in 80 degree weather, no one gave a second glance in my direction. Even when I had to wear my jersey without it , as a cry for help.It did not work. Then fast forward a year, i was at Tori’s house, and had a seizure. Then I went to the doctor, they saw the cuts that were fresh from a few days prior. I was sexually assaulted by my father when I was 7 to about 9. He would come into my room and claim he was giving me a leg massage. Didn’t know my lower private parts were considered my legs. Still have not told many people. To scared to be blamed and carry the weight of being the reason my family was ripped apart. It still makes me sick thinking about it all. Its haunted me alot. I dont know what to do about it, he just makes me so uncomfortable to think he was around my brother too. WHAT IF I’M LETTING A MONSTER GET AWATY WOTH ITY. anyways, next topic death.
The idea of death had always comforted me. The thought in the back of my head saying “dont worry ash none of this will matter one day when we are all inevitably dead. I hate more things then I like. I hate school,my mom, allison, mars, mrsdowner, mrs kurto, mr moulasion, mr grady, my father,my perfect cousin who is just so fucking good at College well i can bearly do 9th grade math. Now the things i love or maybe more like; haley, the best person to ever exist, i would have killed myself by now if I had not met her. She makes me feel safe and loved and not like im some freak monster in the wrong body. Next on the list is books. Reading also makes me feel safe and loved and similar to death like nothing matters because im in their world not mine. Kenneth my brother, hes annoying but I still love him, lastly music, probably the only thing keeping me san, thats all for now on tat topic.
Being bi and trans sucks, makes me want to kill myslef. I wish I was dead, ive decided to post this somewhere sooo hello wherever i post this. Anyways I am bi and quite honestly i dont get the big deal like fuck off you ***** i didnt ask if its a sin i just hate people some times. Also i am a trans male sooo cool ig I WISH MY SCHOOL HAD HUMAN DECENCY AND DIDNT CONSTANTLY USE MY FUCKING DEADNAME, lol. Sorry for this. I have a therapist, don’t rust her though. She gonna go off to my mom and then im gonna end up back at the hospital, WHERE SOME LADY ISNT GONNA TRUST ME TO TAKE A PISS BY MYSELF SO SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND WATCHES, WTF AM I GONNA DO DROWN MYSELF IN THE TOLIET WATER FUCK OFF. anyways have lovely rest fo your weekend.
I don’t know how to start. I don’t really know what’s the main problem. I know I have a shitty life and I am kind of used to it. It sucks that I have to dissapoint everyone I care for, but I am used to it. I could go on without giving it too much thought, but the problem is my girlfriend. (I’m 21, she is 19). She is a constant reminder that I am not good enough and that I don’t deserve her. She reminds me all the time of how I dated my ex (which was fat, ugly and stupid) and how she deserves more than my ex. (or at least that it’s not fair for her to receive the same treatment). She also makes fun of how I used to be in my old relationship and tells me I used to be a loser. I know it is true, but does she really need to say that? I’m starting to give up hope on her too and just say fuck it. I really love her. I really do. I just want to be accepted and cared for…
Today, on this website, someone said that everyone is sad.
I fell on that person that was convinced that, after reading the rants of all the people here, that every person on this platform was sad, and that was why they were here.
I do not agree (but I understand their point of view and I respect it), simply because I am the proof that their theory is not true. I am here today, and even if I have my own problems, I am not sad, I am happy even.
And I am not here to rub that fact in everyone’s face. Each of us is different and here for their own reason and here is mine.
I am here to be a presence.
A shadow, a whisper, whatever you want me to be.
I am here to read raw and pure emotions, to feel them, to understand, to remind myself of my fight and the fights of each one of the people on the planet, some of them being there.
I am here for all the people on this platform to feel like someone is there.
The idea of someone watching and caring, understanding and not judging. Because I know from experience that sometimes, receving nothing, being forgotten, people not even giving a ounce of their attention (sometimes even people we care about), is one of the hurtful thing ever.
Feeling like nobody care, and being here, all alone, believing we are not enough.
I am here to be the someone of someone.
For people to feel like someone is being there.
Just a presence.
So, no. I am not sad, I am many things, positive and negative, but I am not sad.
And it is okay, for me and for you, to feel that way or to not feel that way.
Just remember (even if you want to snap at me for what I am going to say, and even if you don’t believe me, someday you will know what I am talking about.), that someone, is going to be, or is already, here. Caring and wondering about you. Even if it is not right now, someone will come, and I am only here to prove that.
Today, I am here, and tomorrow there will be your person.
I am only a bridge.
i drive away the people i love. they lose interest. i destroy myself. all i feel is pain all the time and when i’m happy its naive because it never lasts. ill never last in this world. im 18 now, but i feel like a child still. i cant manage responsibility. i let people down. they’re sick of me. i’m a waste. i build myself up just to crash and burn in the worst way at the very last second. and this fucking pain, why do i hurt so much? i’ve tried so many medications, they don’t seem to work. my intrusive thoughts come, and now with even more intensity. i thought i’d gotten better, that i’d improved, but the truth is i’ve remained the exact same. instead, i’ve just distracted myself with going out and wasting time with “friends” who don’t care for me at all. and now my girlfriend is being weird and ignoring me even though shes active and posting and when i try to confront her shes all defensive and then ignores me even harder and my fucking OCD won’t let me stop thinking for a second. i have to remind myself that she loves me, even though it doesn’t seem that way. i thought i’d finally get valued when i got into this relationship, but the truth is, just like everything else, relationships are temporary highs. everyone will let you down and you will let them down. being alone is what i need to do. i need to shut off my emotions. i need to be a machine. this fucking body is a shell. this body means nothing to me at all.
My closest attempts were when I felt useless. When the sinking I had felt in my chest, when the lack of energy, and utter hopelessness within me had no reason to live.
More recently, I thought I was doing better. I thought that I had won over these feelings, conquered them; sending them back to the depths of wherever they came.
I guess that was probably because I had gotten a job that I love. One that I thought was too much to handle, one that brought countless nights of stress to me… but now, under this quarantine, I feel myself slipping back into old habits.
I expect to still have my job when this is all over. It isn’t that I feel as though I have no future, in fact I feel very much so as though I do. Rather, it’s that no future feels worth living for. Or maybe they all do, but my will to live is just that weak.
I stay for those I care about; for those who I know deeply care for me. I couldn’t bear to hurt them.
But every night, I go to sleep wishing so deeply to die that night. Suicide is something so ingrained in to me, something I want so deeply, that only when I have a distraction that completely exhausts me can I begin to forget it.
It isn’t even always for the pain. Even if I feel fine, I just want to die. I just want to take my own life so badly.
Even with the will to stay alive for those I love, I find myself tempted to make another attempt. Each day, it becomes a more difficult fight to win. Just like it was back then.
I crave my own death more than I crave almost anything else. I suppose there is one thing I crave more… Which is a life of traveling, I suppose. But I’d hurt just as many people, if not many more, if I took that route. I think it would end up haunting me in the end because of that, even if I did decide to go down that path.
And then I’d be right back here, again. In this sinking pit, wishing that the life would leave my body each, and every night. Fighting off the urge to take it myself. Each, and every night.
Ok so me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years and some change. I have not been the best boyfriend but I got myself together and made huge changes that I knew I needed to make. So last week I scroll through and see that she is in another relationship with another guy. I felt so much anger and sadness. It was a pain that I couldn’t describe but I wanted it to go away.
It hurts more because due to certain circumstances we were at her parents house and now its just me. She comes back and we cuddle and she says she loves me and I told her I’m going to fight for her. I know I led her on this path but it hurts when she leaves. It also hurts when its also Valentine’s Day season…….Idk. I have no one to talk to. I’m just lost.
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
I just
want
the pain
to stop.
My friend A_____ turned 50 last year. I organized a nice little birthday gathering for him, which was especially meaningful for everyone since he’s battling mantle cell lymphoma (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mantle_cell_lymphoma), and optimistically has another five years to live.
I’ve known A_____ for at least five years. I certainly considered him a friend before his cancer diagnosis several years ago, and as soon as I knew what he was facing, I promised myself that whatever support he needed, I would always be there for him.
We’ve always had a very easygoing, normal friendship. He has always treated me with nothing but kindness and respect. We’ve always had a great time playing backgammon together, laughing and ragging on each other in a good-natured way. He trusted me enough to go down to Tennessee with me for the big solar eclipse back in 2017, even when he know we’d be sharing the same motel bed (I had made the reservation a year earlier), which I’m sure was no small thing for him.
And YES, he is a perfectly normal, well-adjusted, relentlessly heterosexual guy. He is as Straight as a two-by-four, as we say. So imagine how horrified I was when I realized I had fallen in love with him.
It was one night in February of 2018, down at the little dive where we play backgammon. On this particular evening it was pretty crowded, and I was seated at a table with some friends of mine. At one point I spotted A_____ up near the bar talking with some other people, and he was laughing and gabbing and carrying on as he does. And I sat there, watching him, listening to his voice from across the room …. and suddenly I realized that as I was watching him and listening to him, I was slowly stroking the beard on my chin.
And I CAUGHT myself doing that, and I thought, “Whoa whoa WHOA, what are you doing? Stop that! What the fuck? Don’t even GO there, ha ha!”
But suddenly I was very alarmed at how I would be watching A_____ like that. And when I started thinking about it and examining my feelings, it began to dawn on me that I had been thinking about A_____. A lot.
And that’s when I really , really started to PANIC.
As soon as I got home, I got online and started furiously Googling words and phrases and questions, and cross-referencing things in a desperate effort to find a website or a chat room or a discussion group where someone could give me some advice, because if I didn’t nip this thing in the bud, I was doomed. I was thinking, “I can’t believe this had to happen to ME! I don’t WANT this! I don’t NEED this! What do I do? What do I DO????”
Eventually I made contact with people who knew what I was going through. None of the answers were good. Some people said, “Look, just hang in there, you’ll eventually get over it.” Others said it was best for me to stay as far away from A_____ as possible. But how could I abandon my friend? HE’S the one with CANCER!
So panic gave way to pain. And the pain eventually gave way to deep, deep despair.
Even worse is that over the past year I have learned something very ugly about myself: My capacity for JEALOUSY. I’ve never had to deal with jealousy until the past year. And I HATE it. It’s NOT who I’m supposed to be!
I have always striven to be a kinder person, the best friend anyone could ever have, so that when it’s my time to go, at least I’ll be well spoken of and well remembered. I think that’s all any of us could ever ask for. And I was at peace with that, even if I finished out the rest of my life alone and unloved.
But when THIS happened, sixteen months ago, that peace of mind I had achieved was fucked all to hell.
Sixteen months of despair. Some days have been better than others. But every time the despair hits me particularly hard, it wears me down just a little bit more. And now I’m at a point where there’s nothing left to wear down.
A_____ did nothing wrong. I have done nothing wrong. The only thing I’m guilty of is having a heart, and no one ever said the human heart was logical.
I just
want
the pain
to stop.
I’ve been looking for ways to numb myself. I get absolutely nowhere. It’s not fair, I just wanna be numb. I don’t wanna make an effort to even feel better anymore. I just wanna stop feeling emotion.
I hate being brokenhearted over my ex. I hate being stressed about going off to college. I hate that painful lump in my throat I get from crying. I hate the cold sweat I break into when I’m anxious. I hate the fire that burns in my heart. I want to be dormant and freeze my heart up for good.
I want to die, but I fear the afterlife. My best bet is to stop feeling anything altogether.
Today is the day I’m going to stop feeling. After submitting this entry, I am going to wipe my eyes, stiffen my lips, and turn off the sad music. My emotions are going to die today, not me.
I’m unsure as to what to feel.
Whether that’d be to cry or to hold my chest in shear pain.
I lay in bed and hurt, as my memories flood in and take over.
You said you wouldn’t know if you’d move on, now simple days like these have me imagining what you’d do with that other person.
You said that no, it wasn’t my fault, that you were the one needed fixing.
Then why can’t you wait, why are you telling me not go wait for you.
I feel as if every time I love they become painful memories I live with, but what’s to life without love?
I don’t know what I’ll do if you move on, that’s what I’m most scared of.
I just want to forget everything.
For all my love given was never enough..
From now I just hope for the world to finally give me what I always truly wanted.
To have been broken and fed to hounds,
Restiched and tossed once more. I must find my own paths alone.
For I am too broken to be man,
Too heartbroken to feel winds,
Too thought provoken to be alive.
I question whether I should attempt once more, knowing very well that I’ve failed countless of times, but what else am I supposed to Do?
After all that has happened, just forget?
Pretend that it never occurred.
I believe we suffer longer than others,
I understand you want to better yourself, but in doing that it moved me eleven steps back.
I’ll act happy to win you back, maybe that’ll work.
Because with my thoughts invoked in honesty,
Would mean you’d move from Me,
And if that happened,
Perhaps all of my attempts were to lead to a final one,
And I’ll be sure to let you know,
That severing someone’s heart that’s been utterly crushed,
Results in voids of hollow,
Without you I am nothing but a hollowed tree,
But I’ll wait,
I’ll wait for you to come back to store your nuts safely,
I’m always warm for You,
I just really hope you can see it,
Please,
Come back.
Although I may never commit suicide
I spend parts of each day thinking about suicide –
Thinking about how I lack the courage to do it.
–
I wake in the mourning with 60 per cent depression.
That’s how it remains for the whole day,
Except for the odd occasion in a year
–
In the doorway or on the street I meet by chance
For a few minutes a woman passing-by
Who has the time to stop and talk for three minutes
–
Or five minutes or even sometimes seven or eight minutes,
Who rocks back on her heels in her pink, hooped skirt
With laughter, no matter what the topic.
–
Depression and despair are two different states
Of mind, not having a lot in common.
Although I have 60 per cent depression, I do not despair.
–
I do not see eye to eye with Samuel Beckett
Who disapproved of suicide and who promulgated
The doctrine of ”going on” for the sake of ”going on”.
–
Estranged from my family, if I do not soon
Take my own life, others will take it from me –
Hooded males with knives in their tracksuits
–
Or medics in their scrubs prancing corridors
Or cowpat-faced ward sisters smirking
Or ice-cold proprietors of old peoples’s homes.
–
How is it that you do not see it, Samuel,
That I do not want to go on for the sake of going on –
Seeing the same old, tired-out impressionist paintings again and again?
–
Men are such po-faced bores.
Each one of them an editor-in-chief.
I wand to stand still by the water’s edge.
–
I want to hold a woman’s hand for the last time.
I want to fill my pockets with Palaeozoic stones.
I want to open my eyes.
From the collection Praise In Which I Live And Move And Have My Being (2012).
Lyrics:
Four o’clock in the afternoon and I didn’t feel like very much
I said to myself, ”Where are you golden boy? Where is your famous golden touch?”
I thought you knew where all of the elephants lie down
I thought you were the crown prince of all the wheels in Ivory town
Just take a look at your body now, there’s nothing much to save
And a bitter voice in the mirror cries, ”Hey, prince, you need a shave”
Now if you can manage to get your trembling fingers to behave
Why don’t you try unwrapping a stainless steel razor blade?
That’s right, it’s come to this… Yes, it’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
–
There’s no hot water and the cold is running thin
Well, what do you expect from the kind of places you’ve been living in?
Don’t drink from that cup, it’s all caked and and cracked along the rim
That’s not the electric light, my friend, that is your vision growing dim
Cover up your face with soap, there, now you’re Santa Claus
And you’ve got a gift for anyone who will give you his applause
I thought you were a racing man, but you couldn’t take the pace
That’s a funeral in the mirror and it’s stopping at your face
That’s right, it’s come to this… Yes, it’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
–
Once there was a path and a girl with chestnut hair
And you passed the summers picking all of the berries that grew there
There were times she was a woman, there were times she was just a child
And you held her in the shadows, where the raspberries grow wild
And you climbed the twilight mountains and you sang about the view
And everywhere that you wandered, love seemed to go along with you
That’s a hard one to remember, yes, it makes you clench your fist
And then the veins stand out like highways, all along your wrist
And yes, it’s come to this… It’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
–
You can still find a job, go out and talk to a friend
On the back of every magazine, there are those coupons you can send
Why don’t you join the Rosicrucians? They will give you back your hope…
You can find your love with diagrams on a plain brown envelope
But you’ve used up all your coupons, except the one that seems
To be written on your wrist, along with several thousand dreams
Now Santa Claus comes forward, that’s a razor in his mitt
And he puts on his dark glasses and he shows you where to hit
And then the cameras pan, the stand-in stuntman
Dress rehearsal rag… It’s just the dress rehearsal rag…
You know, this dress rehearsal rag… It’s just a dress rehearsal rag…
Vincent Willem van Gogh – July 29, 1890
https://www.vincentvangogh.org
http://www.vggallery.com/painting/p_0612.htm
http://www.vggallery.com/painting/p_0779.htm
I sometimes drift
Back and forth
Thinking that it’s alright
Then plummeting again
While a glance
Tells of hope
Glimmering,
A daily friend
Sees your sorrow
But dismissed it
All the same
On the edge
I found reasons
To jump
But they’re not enough
So I am begging
Bully me
Kill my loved ones
So I can finally die
Xnoir, I saw your comment.Here’s my e-mail: TafTafAttica@gmail.com . And if anyone who wants to send something to me or have a talk,mail me [please,don’t send me any viruses 🙂 ].
Also,if you want to chat,I have a Telegram account (for those who don’t know,Telegram is an app that you can install on your PC or your phone).My address is: @Taf_T .
Mind you,I live in Greece,so if you want us to have a chat,you should consider the time zone difference that we might have.
To flutterby: I saw your mail and thank you for sending it.I’ve been very busy lately,that’s why I haven’t answered to you.But,thanks again for communicating with me.
And to Agnostos x: an thes na miliseis me kapoion,steile re sy ena mynhma.Ksero pws einai na thes na peis osa thes se kapoion kai (xvris na thelw na evloghsw ta genia mou) pistevw pws eimai kalos akroatis.An thes voitheia se kati,mhn ntrepesai,pes to mou kai an mporw na se voithisw,tha to kanw.
I’m very new to this, suicidal forum.. straight to the point.. It’s not that I am going to or really have the urge to commit suicide. It’s the constant thought popping into my head. I will catch myself fantisizing of the idea. But these questions always rush to mind. Should I end it? What will happen to my boyfriend, family and friends? Who would show up at my viewing or funeral? How can I make the death fast and 100% effective? I’m not sure why I take the time to give deep thought if I’m contemplating to die.. can someone help me understand where I stand, what I should do? Extra information: 22 yr old female, rough past, burned every bridge possible, no desire to become someone or something.
Why has it gotten to this point? I have waited so long but the last one is broken.
The last one has spoken words to me that verify my twisted thoughts.
My presence causes pain and suffering. It has caused this one even more than it has myself.
Why has it gotten to this point?
Is it my fault? I believe it is, but the voice within says it could be my doing and that of my existence as well.
I wish I could bring good news, I truly do, but I hold only sorrow.
Perhaps one day there will be good news.
I have not hoped for this to occur but it can’t be help. What can I do to change this? Nothing? Really?
One day, I say to myself, one day it will all be over.
One day I shall close my eyes in death and it will all be over.
I shall shut my eyes and I shall feed the earth.
Flowers and trees shall grow from my ashes.
That day, I shall finally be doing good to the earth.
This I promise you.
Do not worry for me but know this, in you I see hope and much more to give to the world.
Carry on, life may not be fair but you can survive. You have definitely survived this much
Empty is how I feel. Not empty in the sense of nothingness. I wish it was nothingness. It’s that empty that hurts. Like a flesh eating worm, it hurts.
It’s hard to put in words this feeling of mine.
I struggle to comprehend many feeling this way.
This terrible feeling goes beyond my gut. It crawls through my every being, like maggots on an open wound.
For over 12 years I have known this feeling. Sometimes this feeling reseeds into the background. Loo it is always there. Feeding, growing, waiting.
It waits for me to see hope, the swiftly drags me down again.
It knows my name, it knows my shame, it closes me off to a world without which I continue to survive.
I cannot describe it as you would a physical pain without it actually causing me physical pain.
The best way to describe it truly is EMPTY.
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