I feel like I have reached a wall where I have done all that I can and I don’t know what else is left….I have not actively pursued death but did almost die; I almost drowned and it was an accident and left me a bit shaken I can’t help wondering if I might have been better off dead.
I had a dog for 12 years and my dad took him away from me and had his friend watch him. They said they would take good care of him…and they did alright…first they claimed he disappeared and the next he was in the river but everything was going to be ok, they said, and when I asked to see him, they told me they already took care of his body by burning it up in a park in Mexico. I just don’t know what is happening or why? That was 7 years ago but there is still a bitter taste left in my mouth, my soul, my whole being…I have felt lifeless since…and like many people here, I don’t feel like I am living, just existing…
I have had a fascination with water and keep thinking about how he might have felt, how does drowning feel…and well I know how it is alright. It is awful, like a thousand knives down your throat…but right when I got used to it and I didn’t feel any pain…someone pulled me out of the water…
my dad said he was just a dog…it was no big deal…so maybe if I drowned and did die…would he say that i was just a kid, it was no big deal too??
I would very much like to write to another members, preferably not someone too suicidal…but someone for support and we could motivate each other to keep on going no matter what travesties life has in store for us.
3 comments
First I would like to say that i am very sorry for your loss.
I love animals so much. I had a cat for most of my life that passed away and left the emptiest feeling ever. I used to call this cat my sister, and we were never without each other.
Anyway, I would like to tell you that getting another cat was the biggest help in the matter. It wasn’t like a “replacement cat” but almost like honoring the first one. I waited and went from shelter to shelter trying to find one that felt like we would bond. Ironically, she showed up on my doorstep, but that doesn’t change the outcome or my intent.
I talk to the current one and tell her stories of the first. I remember the first cat fondly and try to feel the positive energy through the second cat. It’s almost like I am introducing the two to one another.
I loathe religion, but I believe that the first one is there in spirit with us a lot. It might be a coping mechanism, but I truly believe that. I also believe it helps both the new cat and myself acclimate to one another.
It may not fix everything, but that’s the best advice I can offer. You might be dealing with the actual loss of someone you loved a lot, if you haven’t had that happen before. That’s a very traumatic experience to most people and many, many people truly feel they need therapy for help. Most people don’t get to say goodbye.
Good luck.
I’m sorry for your loss to,I know how It feels to loss a doq:/And to thinq after that expiernce (almost drowinq) you’d be scared of water.I love what you said!the “I don’t feel like I’m livine,just existinq”
Hey are you a newbie?
yeah I am new here…though I have been on and off various suicide-support forums…i was in a google group called alt.suicide.holiday about 7 years ago, but there was a lot of trolling going around…and people were pretty serious about completing their suicide plan…I was msging 2 people and then stopped hearing from them…it is kind of an unsettling feeling….this forum seems much better, being carefully moderated.
well I ended up getting a cat a month after the loss of my dog; but she died 2 years later…and I got 2 more cats after that, and it is not the same, but I definitely feel much better; I wouldn’t know what to do with myself otherwise.
I have been to various therapists but none of them help; they don’t offer advice of any kind; they just ask questions, stupid question after stupid question, and I keep thinking they are going to provide a solution or an opinion, but nothing…and I ask what is the point of my coming to therapy and they say that for some people, for them to talk out their feelings can help…but if that is the case, I can get as much benefit speaking to the wall and saving money and time.