when i used to self harm i used to hit my head a lot, i didnt think of it that much back then but now i see the result. probably any type of self harm is better than hitting ur head, i suffer from memory loss, but no one would probably believe me, i dont even remember basic stuff such as what happened the day before, what somebody told me or things that i did, i may sound dramatic but its worse than it sounds. i dont remember how i started it but i did it everytime my mom was bitching about smth that ive done or havent done and continued by doing it when im angry. since ive realized how bad the result is i try not to, i developed anger issues over time and keep hitting myself and biting myself out of anger, its hard to stop. my head hurts so bad everyday and i feel dizzy sometimes no matter what i do, take medicine or even drink a lot of water, i dont know if thats because i hurt my head or something else but it scares me. i wish i wasnt like that, i wish i never did this, i might seem so retarded because of what ive done to myself but i cant help it now, i dont know what can. there are many other bad things including in my bad mental health, i became so mentally unstable that it scares me, so many bad and disturbing thoughts in my mind everyday, im even scared of myself, im scared ill snap one day and do something bad. i hear someone calling my name everyday even when im home alone, i really wanna believe that its not something bad and that im not a schizo. i often find myself having random conversations in my mind, it could be me talking about random things or someone is speaking to me, i dont understand whats happening and after a long time that its happening i try to figure out whats really happening. im kind of trying to express myself in art sometimes but im not too creative to do that, i just draw some shitty gore that is a bit close to what i feel. also im afraid to get help because i dont trust anyone that is not my close and real friend, i cant be open with anyone, even if i did get open and be honest id get to a mental hospital, thats my worst fear but my first worst fear is that my parents finding out about that, i dont want them to know how fucked i am. im slowly losing myself, i feel so lost..
Tag:
Dad
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Being a good and nice person is not enough
by niki
written by niki
You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).
Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.
Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.
Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.
I can’t stop shaking.
I’ve been lying to my parents for 3 years. They think I’m about to graduate from university when in fact I haven’t been going to school. My parents are so proud of me. It’s all a lie. I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I have no friends, I have nobody except for my parents, where do I even begin to pick up my life? The son that they love is a complete lie, he doesn’t exist. i have had really bad social anxiety and depression that i haven’t been able to even get up and go to class.My life has just been a downfall because in 2015 i was in rehab for 3 months (for which i dont regret because i met awesome people in there who drugs really messed their life up) for smoking cigarettes and being “untidy” (my dad almost beat me before i was taken) and my parents looked at me like an outcast. I joined uni in 2016 (different university because i dropped out of my first one which i joined in 2013 because of rehab and had missed alot of classes because of bad anxiety and depression) and they were kind of happy that i was trying to turn my life around. For the first year i was able to go some classes but eventually my anxiety kicked in and from 2017 i started missing classes .In one semester i was even able to attend all my classes but i didn’t take the exam because of my anxiety. I became depressed because of missing classes and not doing shit and havent been able to do anything since. I continued to lie to them and now its the final week to graduation and i dont know what to tell them and how to say it to them. i know im fucked and there is nothing much i can do except the truth but having an abusive father as i have knowing he could kill me, i might as well do it before he does. The only person who could help me is my mom and after this she wont want anything to do with me. My family looks at me weird and both of my sisters hate me. Also my sister is graduating this year and my elder sister has a masters and that even adds more disappointment. I really want to finish school though and purse my other career which i have been focusing on for the past few years in music. But it looks like this is the end of the road for me so if you dont hear any feedback from me in the next few days or at least a week.. it was nice writing this down for someone else to read and i hope no one ever gets in such a shitty situation. I put my final piece of music that i was working on because i dont know of my future. Its an instrumental (im a producer/audio engineer) Thanks and Goodbye.
I hate my life. I’m a minor and that means I obviously have to live with my parents. I’m a girl and have 3 disgusting brothers. The only thing I have for myself is my brains which I got from my mother. She’s mean sometimes but she’s the only one I actually truly love in this nightmare of a household. My dad and I had a fight about 2-3 months ago and he hasn’t talked to me since. He’s a fucking stupid middle aged man and an ego the size of a fucking blue whale. I hate him so much, his standards for me are crazy. The only reason he liked me before was probably because he could brag about me. Both my parents are strict and I can’t wear anything above the knee or show my shoulders. When I’m with my friends wearing jeans, they’re like, arent you hot? ***** no I’m immune to the weather. Not to mention that since I’m with the popular group all my dumbass friends are bitches too. With their dumbass hoe outfits trying to get the guys while they are all over some chick with a boyfriend. It’s sad and pitiful, but I’m sad and pitiful. My family hates me, I hate my friends and they probably talk shit behind my back too. Only things keeping me going is volleyball and my mother. It’s worse when you are the one experiencing it. Wish I wasn’t a ***** so I could say something or just end it all right now.
Thanks for reading this
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
by niki
written by niki
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
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I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
by niki
written by niki
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
Bullshit.
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
by niki
written by niki
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
.
.
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
..
.
.
I’m her mum I loved her more than anyone
so where were you when you I had been raped as a kid? Why didn’t you be the mum and help me ? Why did I have to lie and hide to protect your feelings? I was the kid. I was the one mean to be crying. Instead you cried and lost your shit so i protected you. I just needed someone to help me, why did you have to be weak?
Why are you so depressed ? Why were you so sad all those years? What why? Your a mother your meant to be strong. You brought children into this world. Guide them not let them wander about doing whatever they want, no matter how hard it gets.
You should never have gave up. I bet your thinking that now right? Good. Now maybe you’ll be strong for yourself and the rest of your children.
I’m her father, I’m the man of the house
All I wanted was for you to hug me. Just once. What happened to you were you couldn’t hug your first born? Why couldn’t you ever tell me You love me, I’m beautiful and I deserve all the happiness and I’m worthwhile? That one day I deserve to be with an amazing man and you’ll make sure of it ? Did you ever even have a conversation with me ? No.
You just sat there drinking, where your problems that bad that you couldn’t even be a father ?!?! It would have been better if you weren’t here physically all these years. Yeah you put a roof over our head but that Dosnt mean it was a home! I don’t know what a father is… your a stranger sitting in the back drinking.
your problems are not my fault. Man up, be a father. Put the bottle down. Get help. What your teaching us to drown ourselves? Yeah .. you are. Stop ignoring your children and life, coz one day they’ll go and then what…
youll cry for me and say oh I wish I held you and asked you what could I have done to stop this? You know what to do, just make sure you don’t let the rest of your children end up like me.
Why did you let me see you both stressing? The screaming and fighting. Money this money that. Was money more important than love ? Is it more important than love? I understand money is important but not more than love. I was a little girl.. all these years, I watched how having no money ripped you two appart turn you into … what? I don’t even know. Zombies. You’re not meant to show your child that crap. I hate you both for putting that fear of being absent of money in my soul. I had an absolute amazing childhood then I heard you two arguing…
Just go sit in the corner and figure out how to love.
I grew up not knowing how to love properly, sold my soul for money, I saw the world for what it is and I can’t handle it. Now I’m here in my grave broken waiting to burn in hell. God please forgive and have mercy on my family and I.
*** if my parents and family ever end up reading this I’m sorry for writing what I wrote. I just had to say it. I know you are good people. You both have amazing hearts. I just have too many deamons inside me. I love you all
Can’t think of a good title..
Anyhow, the consensus is that life is so fucking god awful that I can’t even kill myself to help out.
There’s so much awful shit going on. Where do I begin? Oh. Well, my grandparents both have cancer now.
My parents have been trying to help by sending healthy foods to them when they have been devouring shit food all their lives. But they still sneak around to other family members and let them buy them junk food..( I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.) They’re waiting on a god sent miracle to heal them from cancer. I don’t think it’s coming
If this whole cancer ordeal has taught me anything its that God is either the shittiest, most awful being, with the WORST sense of humor ever, or simply isn’t there..
Whatever the reason, I’m fucking tired. Angry at “god”, angry at my grandparents, parents and myself.
I even had to stay over and help them. I’m not complaining about helping them, but.. I heard my grandad wailing in pain all night. Calling out to Jesus. I’m ready for this to end. I think he is too.
The whole thing has made my mother fucking unbearable( like she wasn’t already. ) I can’t stand her normally. But she’s crazy now. I understand her parents are dying, but.. I don’t know. You think you could not make my life any more of a living hell than it already is? Its not like she knows, anyhow, I learned the hard way that i can’t have any sort of sharing relationship with her. I’ve all but stopped telling her about my life and… She hasn’t noticed. She didn’t listen when I did talk, anyways.
My dad.. Is.. Better. Close minded with some subjects, though. Set in his ways? I don’t know. I’ve never been close to him. I grew away from him when I was young. He was mean, and drank. But they both did- still do- and that’s another story. He’s better now, no doubt
(hell of Christian parents, aren’t they?)
I’ve gotten off track now.
I would like to personally thank myself for getting high as fuck last night and feeling like Shit for stealing my parents’ weed. Yeah. (Way to go. I’m a peice of shit) I would also love to thank my dad for reminding me that I have 2 months until I have to take my ged! Fucking horray. That I have to have to be in college or have a job by then. When I can’t even get a job because I’m not fucking old enough to work normal hours. Lets not even mention the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life in the slightest.
I’ve came to the conclusion that if I fail my ged I’m probably just going to kill myself- but let’s hope not. It sounds pathetic. Really is. I really hate myself because I have no love for anything in this world besides art and videogames and you can’t make a living drawing without starving.
I’m so stressed out I just want to cut or fucking die but it would cause so many more problems for my family. But what’s the point? Suicide is the biggest “fuck you,” right? Say goodbye to my mentally abusive parents with a bang. Fuck you guys!
But what about my pets? My sister? Grandparents are dragging her down pretty far with a shiny new eating disorder. Excellent. Just excellent- and I’m so emotionally unavailable I can’t even begin to help her. I can’t say something to my parents. They’d make it worse.
I feel like the easy way out is the worst. But is it the best? I can’t decide. Pros and cons, I guess. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m ready to pass beyond that great curtain of flesh when I can’t even decide for myself what’s there.
Did you know the bible tells you to straight up deny scientific fact and rely solely on faith alone? Crazy, right?
Oh yeah. I almost forgot that I love my best friend (of the same gender no less) and she doesn’t even notice… God must really like me, huh. My whole family would.. Geez. I don’t know- they’re southern Christians so take your pick of awful things that could happen.
Thanks for reading my absolute sarcastic mess of a rant. Ciao for now.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
by niki
written by niki
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Movie / movies is better than reality / real life / real world
Video game / games is better than reality / real world / real life
Novel /novels is better than reality / real-life / real-world /
Sci-fi / Science-fiction is better than reality / reallife / realworld
Fantasy is better than reality / real world / real life
Anime / manga is better than reality / realworld / reallife
Dream / dreams is better than reality / real-world / real-life
I hate reality !!!!
Reality it’s all about MONEY !!!!!!
Reality is BORING !!!!
Real world is boring ! real-world is boring ! realworld is boring !
Real life is boring ! real-life is boring ! reallife is boring !
and people are stupid , ignorant , shallow , superficial !!
I wish I could live in Imagination
I wish I could live in movie / movies
I wish I could live in video game / video games
I wish I could live in novel / novels
I wish I could live in fantasy
I wish I could live in sci-fi /science fiction
I wish I could live in anime / manga
I wish I could live in dream / dreams
I wish I have superpower
I wish I could be a superhero / superheroes
I wish I could have MAGIC
I wish MAGIC exist / exists
because this REALITY is boring !! REALITY is just TOO FUCKING BORING !!
people who can’t see this are usually just stupid , unimaginative, dull / boring themselves , lacking / lack in imagination !
this real world / this real life / this reality is very LIMITED / LIMITING in what I can do / what we can do !!!!
it’s all about MONEY !!!
‘Success’ , everything is measured by MONEY !!! I hate Money !!!
We live in a very LIMITED / LIMITING real world / real life / reality EVERYDAY !!!!
Imagination is better than reality !!
Imagination is much better than reality !!! . . .
maybe I should just commit suicide , than living in this reality / real-world / real-life
I am a loser in this real world / I am a failure in this real-world
I am a loser in this real life / I am a failure in this real-life
I am a loser in this reality / I am a failure in this reality
.
Hi
I’m new here. But that’s not important.
I don’t know where to start so…
Yeah
My whole life is fucked up
I was 6 when i tried to kill myself for the first time. Why?
Cause my abusive father was accused of murdering my brother
And they were interrogating me and my siblings.
Cause my father wasted all the money that were supposed to go for his coffin just to get drunk
Cause i was bullied
Cause i was sexually abused
Cause i had to act like my brother when i was with my mom to keep her sane.
It wasn’t the last time that i tried to off myself
Why?
2006-2016
I was sexually abused 5 times
I was bullied
My brother tried to kill me and my mom was on his side
My father stole mafia’s boss money. Ran away with them. Told my mom he was going to kill himself. But no. He just got fucking wasted. He stole his money just to get fucking drunk.
I’m a lesbian. And my parents are really homophobic
I have EDS and i can’t dance (something that i fucking love)
And many more things
I just
2017 is going to be my last year
I’m going to tell my parents that i have a girlfriend
And hope that they’ll kill me
If they won’t
I’ll off myself on my birthday or 10 days later
This is my first post. Honestly, never in my life did I think I’d be on a website like this but here I am. Not that there’s anything wrong with sites like this, I’m just usually too shy to do anything like this.
But I guess this is my story?
Since elementary school, I’d been struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence, depressive feelings, anorexic tendencies, and suicidal thoughts.
As time went by, it all only got worse and worse. And now, here I am, in high school and wondering which way I should kill myself. I recently moved in with my dad after more than ten years of not living with him. I tried to tell him I had a problem. I tried to tell him I needed professional help and about the thoughts that run through my head. At first, he believed me. He assured me we would find a professional to help me. But after a few months, he stopped believing me. He doesn’t think anything is wrong with me and doesn’t want to get me professional help. I’ve tried to be blunt with him and tell him I want to kill myself. I’ve tried to get him to understand that I’m not okay but nothing ever works. He thinks I’m fine and that he should just blame the people who raised me for being like this.
Last night, we were talking and he asked what I wanted to be. I said six feet under. And he basically told me, “If you want to kill yourself, just do it.”
I think I should.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
i wish harry potter was real , i wish fantastic beasts were real , i wish magic was real , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
by niki
written by niki
i wish harry potter was real really exist , i wish fantastic beasts were real really exist , i wish magic was real really exist , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
because reality is boring , mundane , and limiting limited
because real world is boring , mundane , and limited limiting
because real life is boring , mundane , & limited limiting !
reality is all about MONEY !
real-life is all about Money !
real-world is all about Money !
Life is boring , mundane ,
movies is better than reality real life real world !
novels is better than reality real-life real-world !
comics is better than real world real life reality !
video games is better than real-world real-life reality !
MMORPG is better than real life real world reality !
manga is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime is better than reality reallife realworld !
Why human’s IMAGINATION is better than reality ??? …
here in our everyday ‘s reality , Life is all about MONEY !
and people are stupid , shallow , superficial , people are lacking imaginations , people are boring , dull , mundane !
(PS : i wish lucid dream is real lucid dreaming is real , astral projection is real astral travel is real , Virtual Reality like Sword Art Online is real , i wish dreams were real … because i hate reality , i hate real life , i hate real world ! it’s so boring , only for people who lack imagination & stupid )
does anyone agree ?
can anybody relate ?
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I hate reality ! reality is boring ! Doctor Strange , Marvel MCU , Avengers , Sword Art Online , Virtual Reality , games , movies , novels , anime manga , comics is better than reality !
by niki
written by niki
I hate reality ! reality is boring !
Doctor Strange is better than reality !
Marvel MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) is better than reality !
Avengers is better than real world !
Sword Art Online is better than real life !
Virtual Reality is better than boring reality !
video games is better than reality real life real world !
movies is better than real-world real-life reality !
novels is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime manga is better than boring real life real world reality !
comics is better than boring real world real life reality !
Why Human’s Imagination is much better than reality ??
movies , games , MMORPG , novels , anime / manga , comics is better than reality real life real world ??
if God exist , then God is boring god !!! to create such a boring reality / boring real-life / boring real-world !!
In reality , it’s all only about MONEY MONEY MONEY !!!
or people / Humans are stupid , shallow , superficial , ignorant , that MOST / Majority of people only care about shallow & superficial mundane things like celebrities gossip , talking about other people , status / image / fame / popularity / how to be popular / famous , how to get girlfriend / boyfriend , have kids , talk about job career business profits Money blah blah blah !!
I’ve found that people who said that “No, reality is not boring , YOU are boring ! ” are usually people who lack imaginations & intelligence ( *real* intelligence) to be able to comprehend how *truly* boring REALITY is !
I wish that Virtual Reality (VR, eg: Oculus Rift) develop quickly ,
I wish Astral Projection , Astral Travel , Out of Body Experiences (OBE) , Lucid Dream / Lucid Dreaming is real ,
I wish Science develop quickly & much faster , I wish teleport / teleportation , time machine / time travel is real ,
I wish Artificial Reality is real ,
I wish AI (Artificial Intelligence) is real like in science fiction (sci-fi) movies novels comics games anime manga,
I wish parallel universe , multiverse , another dimension , another universe is real ,
I wish science fiction sci-fi is real ,
I wish Transhumanism / Transhumanist is real ,
… so I can leave this boring everyday reality / everyday boring real life / everyday boring real world !!!!
… if all those things are not real (aren’t soon becoming real) ,.. then I think it’s much better to commit suicide / die than live in this boring reality , LIMITED / LIMITING reality , mundane reality , dull reality , stupid reality , ridiculous reality , absurd reality , harsh reality , cruel reality , cold reality !!!
can anyone / anybody relate ?
m so tired.like seriously tired. I have the worst family,friends,luck,everything. Ive been through physical and emotional abuse from my dad. My dad is one pain in the ass,hes an alcoholic,he yells at everyone,he doesnt respect my mom and me. Etc etc etc the list could go on and on. I hate him i hate seeing him i hate hearing him i hate everything about him and i know some people would scold me for this because no matter what hes my dad but Ive done everything to be patient and understand him but i just fucking cant. I hate how he makes my mom suffer. My mom cant even leave him and I will mever understand why the fuck shes still staying with him. I love my mom but i just hate the fact that she doesnt think about what im feeling,what does she even think about me like Im a freaking robot or something. All she does is nag,dictate me in what I do and compare me to my freaking dad. She doesnt even encourage me and shes all I have,like shes all im trusting cause shes my mom.Ive been through a lot,ive been diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer and i just got a operation and i feel like shit. My whole body feels like shit and everything in this house is making me feel worse. My dad even scolded me for getting cancer on my thryoid,he said its karma for all the talking back i did to him. I dont even know what to think i just wish i was dead. What did i even do to deserve going through all of these. I cant even recall a happy memory that I can treasure since i was young. All i have is anger,fear etc etc. I grew up in a catholic family and All i could think about is i just wish god would stop torturing me. Like i wish he would give me a break.I wanna ask him what the hell he wants from me. I honestly dont even know anymore. Im just so fed up and im so fucking tired of everything.
Ever since I was a little girl, living was an issue. I’ve wanted to die since I was 8 yrs old. My mother was/is evil and doesn’t have feelings like most people do. Common traits of a Sociopath; she would have a lot of sex with a lot of people just so she could feel something… Or at least I tell myself that’s the reason why. She married my dad while she was still married and had 2 sons with someone else. My dad didn’t know, but her first husband soon found out and divorced her. My dad in turn raised my two older brothers ever since they were toddlers. They still consider him more their dad than their birth dad. My mom was abusive to them as well as my dad and I. Unfortunately my dad never divorced her until September of 2013. That also just so happened to be the last time I saw my older brother Jordan alive. He was 20…
They said it was murder but then the military said it was a suicide. But what they told us just didn’t add up. They said there was a note but we weren’t allowed to see it. And they kept being extremely vague about what he actually did to commit suicide. He was gay and in the army… Doesn’t surprise me that the military would try to cover it up if it was one of their people who killed him. I miss him a lot. We were the middle children. And best friends. My eldest brother was always so mean to me. We never got along. Him and my youngest brother always were so close while Jordan and I were attached at the hip. I wouldn’t want to be close with someone who violated my innocence when I 5 yrs old anyways. Jordan always protected me. When he could anyways. Like when my mom would keep me in my room with no food, he would sneak food to me, like peanut butter crackers. When my 2 older brothers got older though, they would always be in California with their real dad. I wish I would’ve been that far away from Mom.
She would come and go though.. Like the seasons. She would come back to us in the autumn/winter when it got cold and convince my dad she’s changed, then she would leave when it got warm. During her stay with us, she always reaped havoc on the family. She would “lend me out” to her “friends” if she wanted some money or something. She would let them do whatever they wanted to me. Started when I was 4yrs old. She would do stuff to me, telling me it was okay… That was probably the nicest thing she’s ever done for me. Because she did it so that I wouldn’t be shocked when other people did it to me. Or at least that’s what I tell myself anyways…
I remember looking out my car window at 8yrs old, thinking about how I wanted to die & how dying doesn’t scare me.. Then I told myself, “What about all those new movies and songs you’re gonna miss out on?” Haha
I moved 2000 miles away from my mom and dad and most of my family in 2014. I live with my aunt and uncle now.. I attempted suicide and it freaked my dad out making him send me away and telling me to never call him dad again. He drank a lot and so I don’t blame his actions. I blame the alcohol.
February 27, 2015 I overdosed on Acetaminophen (Tylenol) and almost died. My kidneys and liver shut down and I was in so much pain.
( If you’re reading this, please PLEASE do not overdose. I know you want to rid yourself of pain, but overdosing just puts you into more excruciating physical pain. )
I remember my therapist at school didn’t even try to stop me when I told her my plan to OD. She just simply said “I’d miss you if you died.” Then she sent me home when school was out. I didn’t go to a single class that day and as I was walking home, all I could think about is how much of a burden i must be on people. When I got home my mom called and was complaining about her life idk I wasn’t paying attention, until she said, “Why did Jordan have to die? He was a blessing to this Earth. You should be under the ground, not him!” That caught my attention. I OD’d immediately after that.
Sometimes I’m happy that my attempts failed, but that’s rare. I mostly feel like I’m being held against my will. No one can control my body and yet for some reason, they think they can just keep me alive because they said so? Sometimes I understand why being alive is so important… But other times I’m so apathetic that I honestly could care less who cares about whether or not I’m breathing. Last year in October I was raped 5 times by the same guy and today some guy thought it was okay to just poke my boob. I already self harmed pretty bad today, and last night I had really bad full body muscle spasms, but I am honestly feeling so suicidal.
.
.
.
I’m not afraid to die.
I’m afraid to keep on living.
Hope is one of the cruelest feelings on earth. It tricks you into thinking that everything will get better, that the present isn’t as bad as it seems, and that those who made you feel like garbage have some redemption.
I really, really hate hope.
I thought my parents were beginning to understand me. I was more wrong about that than I have been about anything in my entire life.
My father wants the addresses of every single friend that I go see. He checks the mileage on my car to see how much I’ve been traveling and if it matches up with what I tell him. He comes to my workplace to make sure I’m there and not lying about being at work. He tries to come and pick me up from my friend’s houses if he thinks I’m not really there. He tells me he’s going to call my gym to see if I’ve really been going in at all. He’s also given me a curfew on 12am. Not really 12am. More like I have to be home before 12am, or else I get lectured. I’m 20. If this is what my parents think is going to cure my depression and suicidal tendencies, I have nothing to say to them.
My parents also say that they can’t sleep when I’m not home. So if I’m home later, they say that they need to stay up and wait for me, because “any normal parent wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with their child out of the house”. My mother also told me that she feels sick every day and dizzy because she doesn’t get enough sleep because of me. She says that she’s going to die younger than she should because of how much she worries about me. She says that she has “gone through the same thing as me” but that she was strong and “powered through it”, and didn’t have to see any doctors or be in a hospital or on medication.
They also told me that I should stop taking my medication unless I absolutely need it, because they don’t want me to depend on pills to be alright; they also claim they’re probably making me worse.
My mom insists I don’t need to see my therapist or psychiatrist unless my prescription runs out. I haven’t seen my therapist in almost 3 months; half of that is because I work so often, the other half is that every time I go to the therapist my parents will want the details of our conversation, while also berating me for going.
To add on to more ridiculous things my parents say and do, they also claim that I hate my family, and care about my friends more than them because I like to spend time with my friend after or before work a few days out of the week. It’s not like it’s summer and I’m slaving away at two jobs the entire time. Apparently, I’m not allowed to enjoy myself while I can. They’ve claimed that I have “too many friends” and that they believe I’m hanging out with dangerous people, even though my friends are the sort who could barely hurt a fly. The other night they wouldn’t even let me walk back to my car down the street alone.
My parents also told me I shouldn’t trust anybody. Except them, of course. Because they’re family. And family comes first. And education. Everything comes first before friends, to my parents.
I know your advice for me is probably along the lines of “move out”, “tell your parents how you really feel”, “just do what you want, you’re 20”, “you’re an adult, they can’t tell you what to do”, but the household and culture I live in is really complicated. I still do love my family, and my parents. But they make it so, so hard. I can never go to bed without thinking about killing myself. On my drives back home I constantly think about crashing my car. I’m always stuck between the feeling of immense guilt or justified rage.
It’s honestly tearing me apart and I’m at such a loss right now. A couple nights ago I was looking up ways to kill myself because I had been so upset that I felt convinced I should end my life that night. I ended up calling one of my friends (I was going to call the Suicide Hotline but didn’t want them to call an ambulance) and luckily they calmed me down. I still didn’t want to kill myself any less, but I knew it wasn’t worth it that night. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
im a female, will be 17 in august, maybe. My family just got a hold of some pictures of me smoking weed and that sparked them to search my room and found soooo much weed and bongs and bowls and lighters and stuff. They are furious and ashamed and they just found out all this other stuff about me to that you wouldnt want your parents to know. I know it doesnt sound like a big deal but my parents HATE me now. my parents arent speaking to each other, they are probably going to get divorced because they are blaming each other for my behavior. My brother hates me because my parents are also blaming him for knowing about some stuff i did and not coming to them. Its not going to get better. My dad has a temper usually but NEVER has screamed at me the way he did and said the things he said before. He told me that i am no longer his daughter, that he doesnt want me associated with the family anymore because all i do is bring shame to us. He said that he hates me and he cant believe that im such a fuck up. My mom and dad both havent talked to me in days. They took my phone, my computer, they are selling my car, im not allowed to be friends with my only two friends, im grounded for the entire summer and probably more. the only way im even writing this is through an old ipod they forgot i have in my room. i am so depressed and i havent stopped crying for three days straight. i have completely torn apart my whole family and cant stop thinking that if i wasnt here anymore all of their problems would go away. i dont know what to do.
I’m not quite sure if becoming a user of this forum is a means of an end or a coping method. At this point, it really couldn’t matter less.
One day, perhaps, I will fully disclose the ‘origin story’ (this phrase is funny to me, as if comparing the origins of my condition to the origins of a superhero’s powers); the entire tale of my descent into severe depression, my incessant and quite honestly obsessive thoughts of suicide that had lasted every day for a year, and my journey through psychiatric hospitalization. At one point, I had felt that these points in my life were important and shaped who I was. Now, they’re nothing but spaces in time where I can hardly differentiate each singular day, due to the chronic and burdensome haze that depression had draped over my mind.
All that aside, the real reason I had looked up this website, registered for this forum, and am now typing my very first in-depth post about how I ‘feel’ is simple, to the point of seeming contrived: I thought I was getting better. And as time will tell, and will always tell, I wasn’t.
Seventeen months. Seventeen months of not being able to go a day without desiring immediate death, imagining the ways it could happen, and hoping so strongly that it would occur soon. I have some good days of feeling suicidal, where such thoughts don’t occur as frequently and only at night; I also have the worse days, where I am unable to even drive to work without letting go of my steering wheel, albeit just for a moment, just to trick myself into thinking that if I really, really needed to, I could crash my car and end my life.
On the really horrible days, I find myself looking up ways to die on the internet. There had been moments of desperation where I even attempted to see if I could kill myself via Advil overdose (that was in the past, though, before I had been prescribed medication that I could actually overdose on. The first thing I did once I received my prescriptions was research how I could overdose on them).
The difference between the past and present, however, was that I could at some point, during my sulking and wishing for death, feel remorse for my thoughts and actions. “How could I put my family through this?” “Am I really thinking about ending my life?” Now, it’s more so that I’ve gone through months of desensitization. It’s not that I am no longer able to enjoy myself or that I can’t feel pain. If anything, it’s that I used to cry until my entire body hurt after having a serious talk or argument with my family about my depression. Now, I feel close to nothing.
My father told me that he didn’t believe I was truly ill today. Rather, he believed I was a liar, who finally got caught and just needed an ever bigger lie to cover everything up. Before, I would have been raging and angry, sobbing as I would try to argue with him. Today, I sat there in silence and stared at a wall until he was finished talking. I felt no yearning to argue with him; I knew I was always going to be the one who was wrong and there would be no fixing that. It’s as if years of attempting to argue with my father had finally dawned on me today and I had just suddenly gone mute. There was nothing left in me to say anything back to him.
Usually, I would be angry, argue, and then I would think about suicide and the ways to do it. Instead, I had immediately skipped the anger and retorts, and just thought about dying. I’m now considering what would be the perfect day to have before killing myself, which I’ll make another post about since I decided that if and when I do end my life, I won’t do it until I’ve had the perfect day beforehand.
I’m too tired to write much more. Hopefully whoever reads this may have some ounce of empathy.
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