Have you ever felt as though someone has tied your arms and legs and thrown you in a deep pool? You sink deeper and deeper relying on Hope to fish you out because Hope has a friend called Help and Help knows Healing. But Hope never comes and you continue to struggle as the water drags you deeper into its depths. The worst part is that Death never comes.. instead you are to sink and struggle.
Thats what life seems to feel like for me. 10 years ago at the tender age of 13 , I would never ever suspected or guessed I would feel I would feel this way about the life force inside me. But i do.
Life I suppose has never ever been easy for me. I try my best to remember that i could have easily had it way worse than what i do but its hard at times and for the last two years i feel as though im a shadow of my former self. I experience and witness great things on a daily basis. I see. I know what it is. I understand that not everyone is as lucky. I experience it..but i just cant connect, i cant seem to reap the fruits of the actual experience.
When something good happens, something that makes me smile, when i laugh so hard that my sides hurt..i just dont truely get the amount of ..satisfaction ( for lack of a better word ) out of it.
I dont know whether im coming or going and I dont know where to turn or WHO to turn to. Im lost, completely and utterly.
I think the Life Events or experiences that stick out the most for me is the fact that my father was a alcholic..he was never really physically abuse but rather emotionally abusive ( which is probably worse because emotional scars are harder to heal than physical ones). I guess the second one would be my 1st boyfriend he was of the emotional and physical abusive sort ( extremely possesive ) after my 4th year of being with him I fell pregnant and then aborted the baby because I couldnt see myself having a link to him to the rest of my life. I wish with all my heart that i didnt do it.. but at the same time I find myself think that if i had been given another chance i would make the same decision.
After the baby the depression started and ive never really been the same after that. Ive never been able to forgive myself for making that decision , Ive termed it as the Wrong Descion for the Right Reasons.. but i guess thats the only way I could explain my actions to myself.
The most recent event that i will add to my list is my First True Heartbreak.
Yes everyone goes through heartbreak and gets over it which i probably will do eventually . When i first realized i was inlove with him I honestly believed that he was Hope that i had been patiently waiting for, that he was the ligth to the end of this dark passage i had been walking for the past two years. It lasted a year and then he broke up with me because i was not the “right religion”. After I had fully given my heart and soul to him he left me because of something i couldnt really change about me….
I think it hit me so hard because i had been through alot and i had been waiting for this redeeming light. something that would blow life back into my broken Soul.
Sometimes im so disgusted with myself. I have so much to be grateful for..and so many good memories hiding away like pockets of sunshine on a cloudy day. No one would really say that i feel this way…everyone percieves me as a happy ball of energy. As a strong young woman that has weathered the storm called Life..and thats what i want them to see. I dont enjoy pity ( and no im not posting this for pity or attention…just a way to express myself because im ashamed to admit how weak i really feel).
Suicide…I think about it ( how people will come to my funeral and say ” If only I knew what she was going through”..”if only i hadnt said that…or did that to her”…..if only, if only, if only ) ..but ive never been able to bring myself to do it. and thats my safety net…for now.. perhaps oneday something will happen and it will finally tip the scales. Or maybe ill be stronger . who knows…
Right now it seems as if every little bump in this road is a hill..and it breaks me down to Nothing. Why was I born to this life? I know there is something great there, but i just cant see it. To me the smallest of failures are the hardest.
I wish i had answers. Or maybe i do and im just too blind. I feel so lost…im so flawed so how do i follow my own gut? Or am I just as stubborn as everyone says i am ? am i just ignoring the path out of this because of that harde headness?
Theres just too much going on and I dont know whats right or wrong , whats left or whats right.
And the saddest part of this all is that i dont know who to turn to…
( I Pray For Strength and Enlightenment )
3 comments
I wish I could give you a huge hug. And you express yourself beautifully, by the way. You’ve been through some serious trauma and loss, and these things are never easy. You can’t get through them without help and support. I see SO MUCH strength in you in the words you use, in your seeking of strength, your reaching out, your looking for hope. Keep striving, girl, because I really think you’re going to find your way to happiness. I hope you can find more support. It’s out there.
That was very well written. I’m horrible at saying the right things, bit I’m pretty great at listening. One of my redeeming qualities…probably my only quality. Hah. I have noticed that a majority of people always focus in the bad, what went wrong, all their flaws…I think we’re all guilty of it. There’s always tomorrow, and as long as we haven’t abandoned the elusive hope, we’re still given that possibility of something better. One day at a time. Horrible advice, but it’s keeping me going.
Thank you for the comments. It kinda made me shed a tear. @greylady thank you for your words of encouragement, its really heart warming to have a stranger tell you that they have so much faith in you. I have seeked support from my friends and couple of my close friends know..but at the same time because they havent experienced it they cant really seem to comprehend exactly what it feels like. Yes they do provide words of encouragement but im missing a certain connection. Then again the type of person i am i dont open up easily. Ive considered going to a psychologist but im afraid of them putting me on anti-depressents and also sometimes I feel a psychologist does more harm than healing ( of course this is not always the case). Im not as bad as I was after the baby-where everyday felt like I was attempting to run through water. Now i only hit rock bottom on certain days, which is way better than before.
@juxtaposed you’re right we tend to focus on the bad things rather than the good. I once told someone that sometimes we are so caught up in our own sadness and hurt that it completely blinds us to all the other reasons we should be happy. Your advice isnt horrible. Its basic and the easiest thing to do with probably the best results.
Thanks again for the replies