Hi,
I dont really know why I am on here, writing this? I guess, I would just like some advice. I am 18 and still living at home, although I have been accepted to a uni course which will start in September. I have just got to complete my last alevel exams. The results dont matter as my offer is unconditional. On the outside my life is perfect. I am 18, I am going to uni to study equine science, a course that I want to do. I have recently brought myself a horse, my parents have enough money to have sent me to private school.
Reality? All the above is true. I have been waiting for the day I can leave home for years. It often seems to far away, even know. My mum works hard, to enable the life we have. I see her on weekends at the moment. Their was a time when I was younger when I only saw her in the holidays. My dad doesnt work. He claims he looks after us. He cooks and cleans. He hates it though and can get aggressive and angry. He often shouts at me when he is angry, and claims that I have done somthing wrong. Sometimes I have, sometimes I havent. It scares me, but I refuse to show that I am weak. I never cry when he shouts. Sometimes I argue back. It just makes it worse though. He makes me so angry, I dont know what to do. If I argue back, he walks away, slams a door and then starts shouting at my mum, about money, work and me. Then he comes back and shouts at me again when she cries. I imagine I am with my horse, playing with her, one arm around her neck. I can just about stop myself crying.
I get so angry though, and then when I am alone in my room I throw things at the wall and break them, bang my head against the wall and cut occasionaly. Then I feel as though I am like him though. I am just like him. I make life hell for everyone else by being like him and arguing back. Then he shouts at my mum. If it werent for me, my mum would be happy. He wouldnt shout at her.
I dont want to be like him. I dont want to cause problems between my mum and dad. I dont want to be the reason my brother is always at his mates. I know I am. My parents and brother get along. I am the only problem. I have tried to commit suicide a couple of times over the last 2 years, none succesfully, and I see a counsilor now, but I dont really talk to her. I dont know how to explain why I do what I do, why I cant see another way out bar dying. Even if I get to uni, he is in me. I will be like him. I know I will. I cant do that. I dont know what to do anymore.
4 comments
im sorry sounds like u go through a lot in a way im sorta like u my dad blames me for everything and says im so stupid and clueless, i hardly talk to him cuz he works 140 hours a week but when we do its all arguing my parents get along with my sister not me i feel the same as for advice be lucky u can go to uni in the fall im only starting my freshman year in highschool. have hope and we are all here to help.
fakingit: I meant schools out for me for the summer. I start high school next year too. That’ll be great- my parents already fight with me about everything, grades especially. High school = more work = worse grades = yelled at. They’re one of the main reasons I feel like this, I think. I tried to run away once last year, but a ‘friend’ got suspicious and ratted me out to my parents. Needless to say, that didn’t result in a calm, comforting talk about why I was running away, it resulted in a long yelling speech about how I was ungrateful and didn’t appreciate what they had done for me, and if I wanted to leave I should just go right then, they wouldnt come for me. A lot of times I think if I had different parents, or we’re living with a friend things would all. E different right now.
I’m sorry you go through so much. I can’t say i empathise but i understand what you’re going through. The thing is you have so potential in you life please don’t let your Dad hold you back. Whatever your Dad says don’t take it to heart and just fight your way through university. You can get an excellent job, with good money and they you can do what you like as you’re not relying on anyone else.
When parents argue it’s normally not to do with children. If you weren’t there they’d argue even more. They normally tone it down when you are.
You’re not your like your father. You have a concious, you have logic, you have understanding. You know that you don’t want to be like your father and because of that you don’t have to be. You have that decision in your hands. You are the one that decides right from wrong.
We are here if you need us
Take Care of yourself and if you need some coping tips do ask.
John Bradshaw pioneered Family Systems Theory. You may want to check out all his clips on youtube titled ‘Homecoming’…you’ll understand why the dysfunction that exists is taking its toll on you. Truly, you are an amazing person but the conditioning of your family life has exposed you and kept you busy with a life that need not be, and is in no way a true reflection of your potential to feel good within yourself. There is nothing that understanding can not resolve for you. You’ll thank yourself when you dismantle your family scenario and see it for what it truly is, and by doing this, you will see some light and allow freedom for and within yourself. It’s your birthright. Good luck!