One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
Tag:
Parents
My way of goodbyes
written by slowly-leaving
I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.
It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.
I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.
What really is the meaning of life? I cost my parents a bunch of money and feel like a burden on them. I have 2 friends that actually seem to care about me. My work is dropping me. If I end it, i will no longer have to feel this way. People will be sad, but I won’t have to think about it when I’m dead. Therapy doesn’t seem to do anything for me.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
by niki
written by niki
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
by niki
written by niki
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
Bullshit.
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
by niki
written by niki
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
.
.
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
..
.
.
I am 16 and in a week I’ll be 17.
Today my dad spoke with my teachers and talked about how I’m doing in school (grade 11).
The usual stuff they say:
• I’m quiet
• I sit alone (in some classes)
• I don’t participate in classes
those kind of things.
My teachers also said how bad I’m doing. And my parents didn’t react that well.
My dad is pissed at me.
And my mum hates me. She always says that “I’m useless” and that “no one will hire me for a job” and that “I’ll be picking up garbage and living on the streets.” And she’s always adds that “I’ll be dead and I won’t have to see you suffer.”
It hits me hard and usually I wait til she cools down and make her talk about something else when we’re having a conversation.
But lately, she has been ranting about me and how I’m a failure.
And she is right.
That’s why I hate myself. I’m too scared to commit suicide but I always think about killing myself. I almost cut myself once, but that would be bad if people ever found out. So I just cry at night and when I’m mad I clench my fists and take deep breaths until it goes away.
I know my mum secretly hates me. She dislikes me at the very least. But I know she wishes I was more than what I am. I think she wishes I was more like my cousin. My cousin is a good example of what she wants me to be. She is only a few months older than me and we are fairly close. My cousin is doing well in school, has a job, volunteers at Salvos, she is pretty, goes to a youth group, is confident, etc.
But I am completely opposite. I am failing school. I never had a job, and I would get one, but I’m ugly and fat, thus my mother saying, “no one will hire you” and that I’m “fat”. I don’t go out often and I’m shy. I have lost a little weight, but not fat. I was fasting the other week and barely ate anything, but I stopped because I heard I could gain more weight from fasting. I’m shy and quiet but I try to talk to other students but they seem to not pay any attention to me. I have friends but most of them drifted away or barely talk to me. I’m the person who walks behind everyone and gets left behind and doesn’t get invited to hang out.
I know people who have it worse, and I was tempted to go to the school counsellors once, but I never did. No one ever notices me, but when they do, they see nothing or look at me with disgust.
I have to push those suicidal feelings away, but one day, I know I won’t be able to handle it anymore.
Hi. I just wanted to get my thoughts off and just rant. Anyone else think the house is just a prison? Your parents just owners? Granted that depends on who you have as parents, so it begs the question, if they aren’t doing their job properly in raising a child, why even have one? Like why have children only to condemn them and never support or encourage them? I’m not asking much, there’s certain responsibilities they obviously need to fulfill due to the child’s inability to look after themselves, such as picking them up from school when they’re young. Other than that, anything negative that comes from the parents’ existence towards the child such as their opinions or whatever is just completely unnecessary. It’s not like I wanted to be born in the first place. And I’m certainly not blaming my parents cause hey, they’re not perfect, they weren’t raised perfect, but it seriously seems a bit fked up that I have to keep my mouth shut and not defy them in any way or “put them in their place” or I risk getting kicked out of the house, or just splitting one of the two parents just because they can’t take it anymore. And for the most part, I need shelter and food. We already have public education hell bent on killing the kids’ creativity and intelligence, but to come home just to be told & condemned that the thing you like doing is meaningless, is just absolutely absurd. And yes just because they say “we support you in anything you do”, does not necessarily mean it’s true, especially if they do the complete opposite to the kid on a day to day basis. Just wtf do you think the kid will be doing if they’re not doing what they like? Ding ding, you guessed it. Nothing. Eventually thoughts of suicide and feelings of depression come in. Nowadays it’s even more easier to have a career in really anything because of the internet, so who says you can’t be well off pursuing video games, making videos, making comics, etc? Everything I took interest in.. only to be condemned. Now forced to go to college and for what? I don’t know what I want to do in college. I don’t know if I get that slightly-more-thick-than-average paper at the end of 4 years, I’ll get a decent job. Why even put it all in one basket for something ethereal in the air that takes place 4 years in the future, when life is happening right now? I know what I want to do right now, I have my goals and aspirations, and I’m serious about them, but I can’t live on if everyday I’m being condemned and told that thing I’m pursing is useless. I don’t want to be a victim, and I don’t blame anyone for my current situation. I control my own life, but even then, there are times I see everything grim.
And I still have this hollow chest.
Right now… blade in one hand & the other religious text… wtf?! Am I crazy?!
written by beautifulmonster
why can’t anyone ever help me? I’m sitting here with a razor googling how to correctly slit my throat. Yes it’s gruesome but I want them, my family, cousins, ex friends to see that I’m not lying. My depression has a hold on me. They all say get over it. Stop faking it. Stop saying your going to kill yourself. So my previous attempts were what?! Bullshit?!?!
I haven’t showered in weeks. I’m 45 kilos. Not to be stuck up but I’m pretty and naturally blessed with my body. Now… I can’t get up and shower.. I stink. My face is hollow. They say shower seriously, If it was that easy wouldn’t I have done it by now I tell them. Why can’t my sister pick me up and help me shower? Why do they knock on my door to get shoes or a handbag. Am I that hard on the outside? Don’t they see or feel my pain? Im their sibling, their daughter. I’m slowly rotting and dying. HELP ME YOU SELFISH PIGS. IVE ALWAYS ALWAYS BEEN THER FOR YOU ALL. why ? I told you all this week I’m suffering depression. You’ve seen my locked in my room for over two months now.
its like I’m split down the middle. I want to fix it all and then the other half I want to die.
How am I this sad? Why? Well I know why (my life that’s truely a long ass woah movie) but honestly like WHHHYYYYY? Apparently God only puts you through what you can handle. But I don’t want this. why can’t I be normal? Fall in love get married have a home and children. Why was this path chosen?
Im so scared to die because what if my religion is bullshit? Or worse it’s true?! 15 years of depression complex ptsd, anxiety and drug addiction. When’s it going to stop?!?! I’m sick of living like this.
The f*cked up thing is I don’t know if I want to be good or to be bad. I keep bouncing between the two. I’ve been doing on off good bad 15 years and now two months ago I did something terrible. I regret it and I don’t. I hate that he’s in pain I want it to go even though he shattered my heart. I’m the type I treat you so good and will help you no matter what but when you screw me over…. I’m ruthless. That’s a whole other story which slipped me into this depression.
Now I sit here ribs crushing from anxiety, my brain hurting trying to decide do I die now?
I know go therapy blah blah blah yes I know. I have. But now. NOW.
My families broken. I’m getting the blame. Always do. Why but? I’m not stupid I know right from wrong and I can admit my faults. Why can’t one of them fix what’s going on with us. I’m sick and tired of being the parent. I can’t take it. Someone help me. Every time I come home I want to use. I just got clean. It’s screwing with me. They are killing meeeee. Its a long story why I can’t leave and live alone.
i can’t see tomorrow, next week or next year. Get me out of this bed, I don’t want to cry no more, I don’t want anyone upset. Zap my brain erase everything back to I was ten. Fake my death run away. Or God take my soul pleasssseeeeee my heart hurts so much. Or do I cut my throat properly were I’ve marked it so I don’t miss this time? Why is this so hard. Why why why can’t I be normal?
I don’t know.. all I know I don’t want to feel like this or live like this. I’m trapped.
– beautiful monster
Fisrt of all I’m not proud of this. I’ve never thought I would be publishing something in a page like this. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
Second, I’m spanish that’s why my grammar sucks, pretty much that.
I have no idea where should I start. I’ve been depressed for a lot of years, I tried to kill myself a couple of times but I didn’t suceed.
Background:
My parents are not together, they divorced when I was eight. My mother started returning really late from work, kids started bullying me at school, but I could handle it, until I was twelve. My father was getting married with a really awful woman. I started getting psychological abuse from both of them and I started failing almost all subjects in my school. My mother got really mad at me because she said that I wasn’t doing my best and that I was the worst person at the family, that I was a failure, and she even mentioned killing herself because she couldn’t stand me, to cut a long story short I started getting psychological abuse from her too. I tried to kill myself but I didn’t succeed. Then, my mother discovered my passion for music and I started taking singing and piano lessons. It was the thing that saved my life. I was still feeling very ill but at least music made me feel better. Then two years later, everything started to get even worse, the psychological abuse was too much to take and my mother started getting drunk each night and tearing the whole house apart. Sometimes I even woke up at night because I heard her breaking down things. I started getting really bad anxiety to the point that sometimes I couldnt even breath and pass out for a couple minutes. Then I decided the best thing would be to move out with my father.
The first year was kinda okay, these last two years has been nightmare for me. Her wife and the son of his wife had been spreading lies about me to the point that only half of my classmates talk to me, and the abuse was even worse. I even started getting physical abuse from my father and her wife.
Current situation:
Even my mother is sick, I really prefer to live with her and I tried to talk with her to let me return to her house but she doesnt want me there, she told me that I have to pass everything to be able to return.
The thing is that, I can’t pass my subjects because Im really depressed and I have really bad anxiety. The worst thing of all is that Im even studying something I dont want to. I really want to pursue music as a career but my mother told me that she wont pay for it; that the only thing she would pay for is my medical career, because otherwise, I would be a failure. The family failure.
Now, music is the only thing that has kept me alive. The only thing why I havent left, because it gives me purpose.
Now I’m in a constant circle of agony and pain. I’m supposed to finish school in a month. I have to pass two subjects I can’t pass because I suck at them. I even go to extra-classes to pass them, but I still can’t. (Btw that teacher is a ***** because she says that I’m the worst and that I’ll never pass, I tried to change my teacher but my parents wont even listen to me)
My sister was the one that used to help me but now she has really afwul problems and she can’t spend her time on me, she said I have to fix it alone.
If I can’t study the thing I want to spend the rest of my live in, Why am I living? Why am I dealing with all the shit that I get from my family?
Im very suicidal and I even considered doing it if this doesnt get better. I thought of doing it on the month of May.
I don’t know what the fuck should I do.
I can’t leave, because I have nowhere to go.
I can’t even sleep anymore.
And the thing is I’m actually scared of attempting music as a career, because of what of my parents said. That I will never succeed and I’ll be homeless (because if don’t study medicine like I said, they won’t pay me anything and the best thing is that they even threatened me to kick me out of the house; both houses)
My friends are starting to get scared of me for my suicidal thoughts so I have no one I can talk.
My classmates fucking hate me because of my father’s wife and his son.
I only talk to one or two people now, and I’m afraid of telling them this, because I don’t want them to get scared like the others did, and I don’t want these rumors spreading around.
Yes, I tried seeking help from my doctor, who said that I was stressed by school and that it’s normal. My father doesn’t want to cope with me because he says I suck.
Music is the only thing that keeps me alive, and if I can’t be the singer I want to be, I might end all of this.
I’ll kill myself in May.
Sorta upset. Sorta not. Mostly disgruntled. Okay, I’m pretty upset.
Its my birthday in a few days.. April 15th. I’m turning 18. Having a dumb party and all that good shit. Which.I’m excited about, yeah. But after that I have to take my fucking GED test that I’ve been studying for for years now on top of regular high school. (Its a weird homeschool situation.) sorta upset I had to drop out. That my high school diploma I would get if I didn’t drop out wouldn’t even count. Really upset that I have to take this dumb fucking test. I just want to pass. I’m so stressed out.
I have to take this test and find a job and a car and go to college for something I don’t even know what and move out in the next few months. Its just so much and I lie awake at night just thinking about it and dreading it. I haven’t done shit with my life. I suddenly have to do all this bullshit and figure out what I’m doing for the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I like! I don’t know what I can do that I would like to do and not starve doing it. I don’t know if that’s even possible. Plus the dept of college…
All my dad can to is still me about what I want to do and tell me about different jobs but I just don’t know! Nothing’s realistic!
And, on top of this I’ve had so many people and pets die. I’ve had two grandparents become diagnosed with late stage 4 terminal cancer, my grandad die, my grandmother grieve and is in the hospital now, and, of all things, my other grandmother get a stage 2 breast cancer.
My dog and cat even died. My pets i had for 14 years.. My grandad..
If that’s not enough my Mother has been making me fuckin insane! She’s been a lunatic! I understand her dad died and she has to grieve but she doesn’t have to go batshir crazy and make me suffer.
She’s been drinking every night she’s off work, and drinking herself to oblivion then acts like a manic. She will scream at my sister, dad and myself and wail and ***** and slam shit. She’s in the living room now, without two days of sleep, drunk out of her mind.
I just.. I have so much going on and I ***** to my friends too much as is. dont want to be a burden. But I don’t know what to do. I wish this was easier. I can’t even pay for college let alone enroll in it. I just want out of this whole fucking mess! I’m sick and tired of everything.
Why do I only think about all this at night, anyhow?
A few days ago, a classmate noticed the cuts on my wrist.
Today, a friend of mine saw the cuts too.
I told them it was nothing, that I only got them for being mean to cats (Don’t get me wrong, I love cats.). I know what I said was such an awful thing to say especially when even you can see the truth beyond your own lie. It’s just that I couldn’t quite think of anything to use as an alibi anymore.
I’m afraid sooner, more people would start to notice the slashes on my wrist and think I’m a weirdo, or worse they might think I’m someone trying to get the crowd’s attention. What I’m even more afraid of is if my parents ever find out about it.
Cutting makes the pain easier but if it will only lead to more of them, shall I stop?
I should. I know more than anything that I should stop. But even so, I know I can’t. It’s like oxygen. Essential. Refreshing. Life-sustaining. Addicting.
Now, I do not know what else to do.
I couldn’t blame the cuts on my wrist for being so noticeable.
I couldn’t blame my friends if they ever find out about the cuts someday and overreact.
I couldn’t blame anyone else for being the reason why I cut.
I could only blame myself.
What shall I do to hide the wounds?
What shall I do to keep people from knowing how vulnerable I am?
I used to post on here quite regularly when I was younger, I think when I was about 15 or 16? Around then. Those years are strangely hazy now, probably because I was living in such a haze of sadness and wanting to die. Anyway, I am now 21 and I’m back under a new name because I feel like a whole new person. A few parts of old me survived, and unfortunately one of those parts is the slightly suicidal one.
I say ‘slightly suicidal’ because even as I type this on this website that I know is about suicide, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t actually do it. It’s just a thought, like it’s there. It’s that option that comes into my mind regularly whether I want it to or not. I don’t want it to be an option, I really don’t. And I kind of know that it isn’t really, like the main thing is I know I can’t do that to my parents. I don’t care how egotistical or whatever that sounds, I just know that they’d be in so much pain if I died and even more if I’d killed myself. I can’t do that to them. And I can’t do that to some of my friends either.
It’s the friends thing too though, kind of. Like I am in a really not ideal house share with friends who aren’t really my friends any more for various reasons, and when they make me feel really bad about myself, when they make me really unhappy, I think maybe if I killed myself at least then they’d feel bad. And that’s fucked up, like I don’t want to be that kind of person. And I really hate that I have those those thoughts.
It’s strange, because the suicidal thoughts only seem to arise when I’m feeling particularly sad or angry. When I was here before it was a constant, like I remember sometimes muttering ‘i want to die’ under my breath repeatedly.
I’d just love to know what it is that’s wrong with me, like why is it that relatively small things can make me spiral into this kind of pit of despair? Why is death becoming an appealing option again? What is wrong with me, and how can I stop it?
I don’t want to die but I’m a very impulsive person at times and I worry that maybe one of these days the urge will be stronger than usual and I’ll actually do it without thinking properly through all my very good reasons why I shouldn’t.
It’s hanging this time… not sure why. I just keep thinking about hanging myself, whether I’m feeling down that day or not. Before, I don’t think I had any specific method in mind. Think I vaguely considered pills, but it wasn’t something I imagined much. It’s strange comparing the two versions of myself on this site as in so many ways I am so different, and in so many ways that are quite specific to suicide itself. I think back then it was something I kind of wanted, but now it’s something I really want to go away.
For a while I lived as someone who isn’t suicidal and I would really love to be in that position again. I just don’t know how.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
by niki
written by niki
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Movie / movies is better than reality / real life / real world
Video game / games is better than reality / real world / real life
Novel /novels is better than reality / real-life / real-world /
Sci-fi / Science-fiction is better than reality / reallife / realworld
Fantasy is better than reality / real world / real life
Anime / manga is better than reality / realworld / reallife
Dream / dreams is better than reality / real-world / real-life
I hate reality !!!!
Reality it’s all about MONEY !!!!!!
Reality is BORING !!!!
Real world is boring ! real-world is boring ! realworld is boring !
Real life is boring ! real-life is boring ! reallife is boring !
and people are stupid , ignorant , shallow , superficial !!
I wish I could live in Imagination
I wish I could live in movie / movies
I wish I could live in video game / video games
I wish I could live in novel / novels
I wish I could live in fantasy
I wish I could live in sci-fi /science fiction
I wish I could live in anime / manga
I wish I could live in dream / dreams
I wish I have superpower
I wish I could be a superhero / superheroes
I wish I could have MAGIC
I wish MAGIC exist / exists
because this REALITY is boring !! REALITY is just TOO FUCKING BORING !!
people who can’t see this are usually just stupid , unimaginative, dull / boring themselves , lacking / lack in imagination !
this real world / this real life / this reality is very LIMITED / LIMITING in what I can do / what we can do !!!!
it’s all about MONEY !!!
‘Success’ , everything is measured by MONEY !!! I hate Money !!!
We live in a very LIMITED / LIMITING real world / real life / reality EVERYDAY !!!!
Imagination is better than reality !!
Imagination is much better than reality !!! . . .
maybe I should just commit suicide , than living in this reality / real-world / real-life
I am a loser in this real world / I am a failure in this real-world
I am a loser in this real life / I am a failure in this real-life
I am a loser in this reality / I am a failure in this reality
.
This is my first post. Honestly, never in my life did I think I’d be on a website like this but here I am. Not that there’s anything wrong with sites like this, I’m just usually too shy to do anything like this.
But I guess this is my story?
Since elementary school, I’d been struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence, depressive feelings, anorexic tendencies, and suicidal thoughts.
As time went by, it all only got worse and worse. And now, here I am, in high school and wondering which way I should kill myself. I recently moved in with my dad after more than ten years of not living with him. I tried to tell him I had a problem. I tried to tell him I needed professional help and about the thoughts that run through my head. At first, he believed me. He assured me we would find a professional to help me. But after a few months, he stopped believing me. He doesn’t think anything is wrong with me and doesn’t want to get me professional help. I’ve tried to be blunt with him and tell him I want to kill myself. I’ve tried to get him to understand that I’m not okay but nothing ever works. He thinks I’m fine and that he should just blame the people who raised me for being like this.
Last night, we were talking and he asked what I wanted to be. I said six feet under. And he basically told me, “If you want to kill yourself, just do it.”
I think I should.
Hello there. I’ve been around this site for a few months now. I see people are quite nice around here, so i guess i’ll be telling a few tales regarding how i got to the point i am at now. Perhaps what i say will fall in non-deaf ears for once.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
i wish harry potter was real , i wish fantastic beasts were real , i wish magic was real , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
by niki
written by niki
i wish harry potter was real really exist , i wish fantastic beasts were real really exist , i wish magic was real really exist , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
because reality is boring , mundane , and limiting limited
because real world is boring , mundane , and limited limiting
because real life is boring , mundane , & limited limiting !
reality is all about MONEY !
real-life is all about Money !
real-world is all about Money !
Life is boring , mundane ,
movies is better than reality real life real world !
novels is better than reality real-life real-world !
comics is better than real world real life reality !
video games is better than real-world real-life reality !
MMORPG is better than real life real world reality !
manga is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime is better than reality reallife realworld !
Why human’s IMAGINATION is better than reality ??? …
here in our everyday ‘s reality , Life is all about MONEY !
and people are stupid , shallow , superficial , people are lacking imaginations , people are boring , dull , mundane !
(PS : i wish lucid dream is real lucid dreaming is real , astral projection is real astral travel is real , Virtual Reality like Sword Art Online is real , i wish dreams were real … because i hate reality , i hate real life , i hate real world ! it’s so boring , only for people who lack imagination & stupid )
does anyone agree ?
can anybody relate ?
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I hate reality ! reality is boring ! Doctor Strange , Marvel MCU , Avengers , Sword Art Online , Virtual Reality , games , movies , novels , anime manga , comics is better than reality !
by niki
written by niki
I hate reality ! reality is boring !
Doctor Strange is better than reality !
Marvel MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) is better than reality !
Avengers is better than real world !
Sword Art Online is better than real life !
Virtual Reality is better than boring reality !
video games is better than reality real life real world !
movies is better than real-world real-life reality !
novels is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime manga is better than boring real life real world reality !
comics is better than boring real world real life reality !
Why Human’s Imagination is much better than reality ??
movies , games , MMORPG , novels , anime / manga , comics is better than reality real life real world ??
if God exist , then God is boring god !!! to create such a boring reality / boring real-life / boring real-world !!
In reality , it’s all only about MONEY MONEY MONEY !!!
or people / Humans are stupid , shallow , superficial , ignorant , that MOST / Majority of people only care about shallow & superficial mundane things like celebrities gossip , talking about other people , status / image / fame / popularity / how to be popular / famous , how to get girlfriend / boyfriend , have kids , talk about job career business profits Money blah blah blah !!
I’ve found that people who said that “No, reality is not boring , YOU are boring ! ” are usually people who lack imaginations & intelligence ( *real* intelligence) to be able to comprehend how *truly* boring REALITY is !
I wish that Virtual Reality (VR, eg: Oculus Rift) develop quickly ,
I wish Astral Projection , Astral Travel , Out of Body Experiences (OBE) , Lucid Dream / Lucid Dreaming is real ,
I wish Science develop quickly & much faster , I wish teleport / teleportation , time machine / time travel is real ,
I wish Artificial Reality is real ,
I wish AI (Artificial Intelligence) is real like in science fiction (sci-fi) movies novels comics games anime manga,
I wish parallel universe , multiverse , another dimension , another universe is real ,
I wish science fiction sci-fi is real ,
I wish Transhumanism / Transhumanist is real ,
… so I can leave this boring everyday reality / everyday boring real life / everyday boring real world !!!!
… if all those things are not real (aren’t soon becoming real) ,.. then I think it’s much better to commit suicide / die than live in this boring reality , LIMITED / LIMITING reality , mundane reality , dull reality , stupid reality , ridiculous reality , absurd reality , harsh reality , cruel reality , cold reality !!!
can anyone / anybody relate ?
Letter to my mom.
Dear Mother,
I try to defend you to EVERYONE who said you were a terrible person.
I defended you even after you beat me and forced me to walk across town
to my grandparents neighborhood at 10 at night
i was in shorts and it was snowing out.
I am choosing to go get help for myself
and you tell me im “running from my problems”
I tell you that you can just lose me for 6 months to a year
or you can lose me for the rest of your life
and you call me a ***** and say
“suicide is stupid.”
i fucking hate you so much.
I will never defend you EVER AGAIN.
I wouldn’t defend you in court
i wouldn’t defend you to anyone
i dont care who the fuck it is.
I can live without you
i have done it before
you are no one special all you did was birth me.
You didn’t raise me
you were to busy getting drunk all the time
I hope you get alcohol posing
I DONT CARE HOW BAD THAT SOUNDS!
Every time this family gets better or moves on
you come back and ruin it
You have children that are half black
and can call our father a “******”
in front of us
I have never hated someone as much as i hate you
I don’t even hate my rapist as much as you.
Fuck you.
So I just got a 90 on a quiz. My parents were mad because I didn’t get a 100. My parents starting yelling at me “HOW DUMB ARE YOU??”. I don’t think I’m dumb. I hate them. I have no self-esteem because of them.
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