when i used to self harm i used to hit my head a lot, i didnt think of it that much back then but now i see the result. probably any type of self harm is better than hitting ur head, i suffer from memory loss, but no one would probably believe me, i dont even remember basic stuff such as what happened the day before, what somebody told me or things that i did, i may sound dramatic but its worse than it sounds. i dont remember how i started it but i did it everytime my mom was bitching about smth that ive done or havent done and continued by doing it when im angry. since ive realized how bad the result is i try not to, i developed anger issues over time and keep hitting myself and biting myself out of anger, its hard to stop. my head hurts so bad everyday and i feel dizzy sometimes no matter what i do, take medicine or even drink a lot of water, i dont know if thats because i hurt my head or something else but it scares me. i wish i wasnt like that, i wish i never did this, i might seem so retarded because of what ive done to myself but i cant help it now, i dont know what can. there are many other bad things including in my bad mental health, i became so mentally unstable that it scares me, so many bad and disturbing thoughts in my mind everyday, im even scared of myself, im scared ill snap one day and do something bad. i hear someone calling my name everyday even when im home alone, i really wanna believe that its not something bad and that im not a schizo. i often find myself having random conversations in my mind, it could be me talking about random things or someone is speaking to me, i dont understand whats happening and after a long time that its happening i try to figure out whats really happening. im kind of trying to express myself in art sometimes but im not too creative to do that, i just draw some shitty gore that is a bit close to what i feel. also im afraid to get help because i dont trust anyone that is not my close and real friend, i cant be open with anyone, even if i did get open and be honest id get to a mental hospital, thats my worst fear but my first worst fear is that my parents finding out about that, i dont want them to know how fucked i am. im slowly losing myself, i feel so lost..
By: yours truly (a sick in the head teenager)
TW ig idk how to do this lol um sh suicidal thought and questioning everything and also SA
Why? A question I find myself asking quite often. What is the point in anything if its all nothing. In 150 years, everyone who is alive at this moment, will be dead. Including yours truly. Though it is up to us how we spend those years. A sad realization my 13 year old self has come to is, in lets say 500 years, no one will know of my existence and probably yours as well. Unless of course you and I become famous to an extreme extent, or one of us becomes a notorious serial killer(that’s one way of getting your name out there lol). I don’t know why I have taken this sudden dislike of people. I cry a lot, I wish I was dead, I don’t think that makes me suicidal, right? I don’t want to do it myself per say, more like casually have an anvil swing down and crush most if not all bones in my body. I should go get my meds right now.
Wow already one paragraph down only a couple more to go. I have struggled like this since sixth grade. I was extremely bad for a few months and tried to hurt myself to make it all stop. No one noticed. Even when I wore a long sleeved shirt under my jersey in 80 degree weather, no one gave a second glance in my direction. Even when I had to wear my jersey without it , as a cry for help.It did not work. Then fast forward a year, i was at Tori’s house, and had a seizure. Then I went to the doctor, they saw the cuts that were fresh from a few days prior. I was sexually assaulted by my father when I was 7 to about 9. He would come into my room and claim he was giving me a leg massage. Didn’t know my lower private parts were considered my legs. Still have not told many people. To scared to be blamed and carry the weight of being the reason my family was ripped apart. It still makes me sick thinking about it all. Its haunted me alot. I dont know what to do about it, he just makes me so uncomfortable to think he was around my brother too. WHAT IF I’M LETTING A MONSTER GET AWATY WOTH ITY. anyways, next topic death.
The idea of death had always comforted me. The thought in the back of my head saying “dont worry ash none of this will matter one day when we are all inevitably dead. I hate more things then I like. I hate school,my mom, allison, mars, mrsdowner, mrs kurto, mr moulasion, mr grady, my father,my perfect cousin who is just so fucking good at College well i can bearly do 9th grade math. Now the things i love or maybe more like; haley, the best person to ever exist, i would have killed myself by now if I had not met her. She makes me feel safe and loved and not like im some freak monster in the wrong body. Next on the list is books. Reading also makes me feel safe and loved and similar to death like nothing matters because im in their world not mine. Kenneth my brother, hes annoying but I still love him, lastly music, probably the only thing keeping me san, thats all for now on tat topic.
Being bi and trans sucks, makes me want to kill myslef. I wish I was dead, ive decided to post this somewhere sooo hello wherever i post this. Anyways I am bi and quite honestly i dont get the big deal like fuck off you ***** i didnt ask if its a sin i just hate people some times. Also i am a trans male sooo cool ig I WISH MY SCHOOL HAD HUMAN DECENCY AND DIDNT CONSTANTLY USE MY FUCKING DEADNAME, lol. Sorry for this. I have a therapist, don’t rust her though. She gonna go off to my mom and then im gonna end up back at the hospital, WHERE SOME LADY ISNT GONNA TRUST ME TO TAKE A PISS BY MYSELF SO SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND WATCHES, WTF AM I GONNA DO DROWN MYSELF IN THE TOLIET WATER FUCK OFF. anyways have lovely rest fo your weekend.
lately, a few memories have been flooding my mind, not sure why. it’s been a rough few months, honestly. and flashbacks haven’t made them any easier.
classes and homework are taking up a lot of my time, but still, feels like i’m spreading myself thin. friend of mine started to talk more regularly with me this year and they think it’s great and all but half the time i don’t know what to say. every time we talk, i feel so drained; i just physically can’t keep talking for the whole day.
kinda hard to explain, but it just constantly feels like i’m being talked down to, though i might just be overthinking it. also i’m just stupid because i end up… sending things i know i don’t want to send, just because i know the other person expects it.
started typing because i wanted to empty out my brain, but really all my thoughts are so messy that it feels like i can’t do it.
lately i’ve been getting so upset about small things. actually, to me they don’t feel small, but they probably are. it just kinda hurts to see your mom treat someone who’s not family the way you wish you were treated, you know? it’d be nice to be taken into consideration sometimes, instead of having to remind people who are supposed to be close to you of your existence.
i’ve been thinking a bit about my thoughts on certain adult topics and how i feel about them, for some reason. stumbling across it is fine, i don’t really care. but being sent suggestive or straight up explicit things makes me so uncomfortable. i wonder why. it just feels disgusting. actually, i probably know why.
really, i don’t know what i think about lately. not sure about what i want, what i crave or what i need. feels like my brain is fighting itself. guess that having one person that genuinely, actually cares wouldn’t hurt.
Metamorphosis
As the wind turns and picks up a leaf to take it on its own journey, the same are our lives and mine. It al begun when i was child: My dad and my mom broke up before my birth. His present for my mom as I was born: a cactus. I love him, very dearly. My stepdad took his place. well not really place, he merely existed in my life as a puzzle piece that doesn’t really fit in, but was good enough to give the false image of an complete picture. He argued a lot with my mother, more than once it woke me up and let me experience fear, i didnt wanted to see them fight. He had problems, alcohol, gambling and other drugs. His chase for small pleasures ended one night in an accident where he bleed on the kitchen, the Ofen, the floor, cleaned with the red liquid of life and death. I cant remember much about that night. One time they argued, he told me and me and my brother at that time :” I’m going to take you on a journey” The destination was intended to be a tree, a lake, whatever thing you have in mind when you think about an intended death. Luckily, it just ended passing out on the floor, drunk. My life turned around again as my dad, when I visited every weekend, never visited me again. At the age of 6, the devil or maybe just the reasons of desperation unfolded. He never came back. I never saw him ever again. He left shortly after I moved to another city, left my friends behind, i was too young, no phones or numbers. After he left, I only remembered bits and pieces. The school sucked, only had 2 friends, and i didnt do much with them. There was one incident I remember, dont ask me how I got into this but, some people knocked on our door one day and demanded to know where my aunt was. My mom obviously didn’t know, didn’t stopped them from choking her while she was pregnant right in front of me. Things luckily ended well again. After that I don’t remember much anymore. Loud arguing, but that was it so far. Until we moved again. The baby needed room. The new environment didn’t helped me, it all continued, only worse. No friends, only two people I sometimes visited. My introversion grew and grew, my grades only went down. The loud arguing continued, as the drinking too. One day I never forget Was, where he went into the kitchen, talking with himself about how it was his child and no one should take it. It is ironic how he was the one who took it from himself. After he went out of the kitchen, he had a knive in his hand. Went up to the room where my mom slept, my mom and my brother and me where in it. Knocking on the door, hammering on it, with a knive and without. He managed to get it in somehow. I only remember bits and pieces. I remember that I cried and told him that he was scaring me. I think i was 11 or 12 honestly im not sure. He eventually went down again with my mom, i think she could calm him. My brother and I where still upstairs. Eventually he up again. He said that me and my brother should go down too or he stabs us both. So we did. It ended with my mom calling his mother to pick us up. We flew out of the house. He didn’t followed us luckily. We stayed at my grandmas house for a day, we came back to the house the next day. Plants broken and on the floor, glass on the table. Sometimes the wind puts the leaf in water and it drowns or not. He apologized to us, said we don’t have to fear him. Said it would never happen again. It did happen again. Luckily without anything sharp. Just kicked in drawers, thrown coffe makers and so on. From this time forward it got atleast lighter, police came more than once to our house in my life. After that, it was just mindless drinking, gambling, and loud arguing. Drunken nights and so on. One day, where it happened again, he seemed to make the decision to leave us. He looked for another apartment and moved out. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best day in my life. Shortly after, my mom met another guy, stubborn hot-headed guy, but still. He had the heart at the right spot. I like him. He helped my mom really much, for which I am grateful. My introversion grew into social anxiety or social phobia as I like to call it. Now it is myself who ruins my own plans, which makes me doubt myself, hate myself, isolate myself and so on. And now I’m still living in the same house, you can still see some dents and holes in the door from the knive. I can see it everyday. I feel like im just moving in circles, finding a job seems impossible, i keep sabotaging myself. Jobs with a lot of people are hard to do for me. I’m scared. When someone looks at me while I do something, I can feel the eyes drilling through me, their assumptions about me feel true. I’m dumb, lazy, can’t do anything right, without skill, without anything remarkable. To wrap this up, I’m scared of every move I do, scared of every step into the unknown and known. This feels like a hell that has been made for me, and I was the one who entered it by myself. Thank you to all of those who’ve read it this far. I appreciate the time you invested in reading this far. Hope i didn’t wasted your time. Have a good day, may your loved ones never forget your name. Thank you.
What do I do when my mother tells me to go live with my father, but my father has been absent for 5 years? What am I supposed to do when non of my parents want to be fucking responsible for the human being they brought to this fucking world? Where do I go?
Hello, I see that this is a site where people share how sad they are and there are some helpful people out there. I hope I can get some nice feedback from others. I want to start off by saying that I am 21 years old. My grandma had passed away and it took a big toll on me. My family too of course, but for me I wanted to die. Ive attempted to kill myself and this sweet genuine old lady passed away and in my eyes it wasn’t her time to go. It honestly should’ve been me. Recently I’ve been kicked out of my house by my parents due to a big fight that went on. To sum that up, it was built up sadness and anger that took over me and I just blew it all at them which ended up me getting kicked out. Most of it was towards my mom..So now, I live with my grandpa. I don’t like living here very much but I got to bring along my dog who I see as my literal life line. He’s honestly my best friend. I never had a good relationship with my mom, I really feel like we always were together so much and it kind of bothered me? Because we never actually got to have a good time, we just always fought even over the littlest things. I was also diagnosed with depression a longtime ago. I overdosed in the summer of 2018 on Benadryl because I was ready to die. It feels like nobody cares about me. That feeling has never left. Not one time.When I overdosed all I got was my family yelling at me. Nothing but them telling me how dumb I am and how selfish I was for trying to kill myself. It made me feel worse and to this day I think about what they said and it makes me feel bad still. I developed a disorder called TTM, also known as Trichotillomania. This developed when I was around 7 years old. Its a hair pulling disorder which causes you go to bald depending how severe your disorder is. Its went away for around middle school and my high school years but unfortunately, it has gotten worse for me AGAIN. When im sad I seem to do it and I only pull the hair from my head so I have such bad scaring and a sensitive scalp because of it. I feel ugly, and seeing my bald spots make me feel uglier. You’d think I’d want to stop but I can’t. Sometimes I don’t even know im pulling until its too late and I have such a big clump of hair next to me. It hurts to see it but I just feel helpless. I get told to take my medicine which I am now taking Fluoxetine, and I feel it doesn’t do much. I get told to up my dosage but that doesn’t seem to do anything for me either, I really have no hope in doing anything. My mom has repeatedly told me that I “wouldn’t be so sad” had I taken my medicine every singled. I PROMISE you, I have and It has not helped me. Ive switched to many different anti depressants and the one that was super effective but in a negative was was Duloxetine. It made me feel no emotion and I was just tired all of the time. Now im back on Fluoxetine and it doesn’t help me either. I’m just so sad and I don’t know what to do anymore. I get yelled at for going out to walk my dog, get yelled at if I go get food for just my dog or just myself, and the people I live with just always want me to bring them stuff when im not able to buy 3 other people things all the time in the household. Ive been saving my money up to get a new place but it always gets depleted because they find a way to make me feel so bad about not spending money on them and its making me even more sad because I feel like just stuck. I started to cut myself again and I want to hurt myself so damn badly and I can feel myself everyday wanting to hurt myself again. I need help but im afraid to be sent away. I’m honestly really at my wits end. I’m about to overdose again. And the only person that I know will care is my dog. It hurts that I don’t want to leave him but I feel like I’m not going to get anywhere with how im feeling. I’m sorry that what I wrote was a lot
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.
It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.
I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.
What really is the meaning of life? I cost my parents a bunch of money and feel like a burden on them. I have 2 friends that actually seem to care about me. My work is dropping me. If I end it, i will no longer have to feel this way. People will be sad, but I won’t have to think about it when I’m dead. Therapy doesn’t seem to do anything for me.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
Bullshit.
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
.
.
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
..
.
.
I am 16 and in a week I’ll be 17.
Today my dad spoke with my teachers and talked about how I’m doing in school (grade 11).
The usual stuff they say:
• I’m quiet
• I sit alone (in some classes)
• I don’t participate in classes
those kind of things.
My teachers also said how bad I’m doing. And my parents didn’t react that well.
My dad is pissed at me.
And my mum hates me. She always says that “I’m useless” and that “no one will hire me for a job” and that “I’ll be picking up garbage and living on the streets.” And she’s always adds that “I’ll be dead and I won’t have to see you suffer.”
It hits me hard and usually I wait til she cools down and make her talk about something else when we’re having a conversation.
But lately, she has been ranting about me and how I’m a failure.
And she is right.
That’s why I hate myself. I’m too scared to commit suicide but I always think about killing myself. I almost cut myself once, but that would be bad if people ever found out. So I just cry at night and when I’m mad I clench my fists and take deep breaths until it goes away.
I know my mum secretly hates me. She dislikes me at the very least. But I know she wishes I was more than what I am. I think she wishes I was more like my cousin. My cousin is a good example of what she wants me to be. She is only a few months older than me and we are fairly close. My cousin is doing well in school, has a job, volunteers at Salvos, she is pretty, goes to a youth group, is confident, etc.
But I am completely opposite. I am failing school. I never had a job, and I would get one, but I’m ugly and fat, thus my mother saying, “no one will hire you” and that I’m “fat”. I don’t go out often and I’m shy. I have lost a little weight, but not fat. I was fasting the other week and barely ate anything, but I stopped because I heard I could gain more weight from fasting. I’m shy and quiet but I try to talk to other students but they seem to not pay any attention to me. I have friends but most of them drifted away or barely talk to me. I’m the person who walks behind everyone and gets left behind and doesn’t get invited to hang out.
I know people who have it worse, and I was tempted to go to the school counsellors once, but I never did. No one ever notices me, but when they do, they see nothing or look at me with disgust.
I have to push those suicidal feelings away, but one day, I know I won’t be able to handle it anymore.
Hi. I just wanted to get my thoughts off and just rant. Anyone else think the house is just a prison? Your parents just owners? Granted that depends on who you have as parents, so it begs the question, if they aren’t doing their job properly in raising a child, why even have one? Like why have children only to condemn them and never support or encourage them? I’m not asking much, there’s certain responsibilities they obviously need to fulfill due to the child’s inability to look after themselves, such as picking them up from school when they’re young. Other than that, anything negative that comes from the parents’ existence towards the child such as their opinions or whatever is just completely unnecessary. It’s not like I wanted to be born in the first place. And I’m certainly not blaming my parents cause hey, they’re not perfect, they weren’t raised perfect, but it seriously seems a bit fked up that I have to keep my mouth shut and not defy them in any way or “put them in their place” or I risk getting kicked out of the house, or just splitting one of the two parents just because they can’t take it anymore. And for the most part, I need shelter and food. We already have public education hell bent on killing the kids’ creativity and intelligence, but to come home just to be told & condemned that the thing you like doing is meaningless, is just absolutely absurd. And yes just because they say “we support you in anything you do”, does not necessarily mean it’s true, especially if they do the complete opposite to the kid on a day to day basis. Just wtf do you think the kid will be doing if they’re not doing what they like? Ding ding, you guessed it. Nothing. Eventually thoughts of suicide and feelings of depression come in. Nowadays it’s even more easier to have a career in really anything because of the internet, so who says you can’t be well off pursuing video games, making videos, making comics, etc? Everything I took interest in.. only to be condemned. Now forced to go to college and for what? I don’t know what I want to do in college. I don’t know if I get that slightly-more-thick-than-average paper at the end of 4 years, I’ll get a decent job. Why even put it all in one basket for something ethereal in the air that takes place 4 years in the future, when life is happening right now? I know what I want to do right now, I have my goals and aspirations, and I’m serious about them, but I can’t live on if everyday I’m being condemned and told that thing I’m pursing is useless. I don’t want to be a victim, and I don’t blame anyone for my current situation. I control my own life, but even then, there are times I see everything grim.
And I still have this hollow chest.
why can’t anyone ever help me? I’m sitting here with a razor googling how to correctly slit my throat. Yes it’s gruesome but I want them, my family, cousins, ex friends to see that I’m not lying. My depression has a hold on me. They all say get over it. Stop faking it. Stop saying your going to kill yourself. So my previous attempts were what?! Bullshit?!?!
I haven’t showered in weeks. I’m 45 kilos. Not to be stuck up but I’m pretty and naturally blessed with my body. Now… I can’t get up and shower.. I stink. My face is hollow. They say shower seriously, If it was that easy wouldn’t I have done it by now I tell them. Why can’t my sister pick me up and help me shower? Why do they knock on my door to get shoes or a handbag. Am I that hard on the outside? Don’t they see or feel my pain? Im their sibling, their daughter. I’m slowly rotting and dying. HELP ME YOU SELFISH PIGS. IVE ALWAYS ALWAYS BEEN THER FOR YOU ALL. why ? I told you all this week I’m suffering depression. You’ve seen my locked in my room for over two months now.
its like I’m split down the middle. I want to fix it all and then the other half I want to die.
How am I this sad? Why? Well I know why (my life that’s truely a long ass woah movie) but honestly like WHHHYYYYY? Apparently God only puts you through what you can handle. But I don’t want this. why can’t I be normal? Fall in love get married have a home and children. Why was this path chosen?
Im so scared to die because what if my religion is bullshit? Or worse it’s true?! 15 years of depression complex ptsd, anxiety and drug addiction. When’s it going to stop?!?! I’m sick of living like this.
The f*cked up thing is I don’t know if I want to be good or to be bad. I keep bouncing between the two. I’ve been doing on off good bad 15 years and now two months ago I did something terrible. I regret it and I don’t. I hate that he’s in pain I want it to go even though he shattered my heart. I’m the type I treat you so good and will help you no matter what but when you screw me over…. I’m ruthless. That’s a whole other story which slipped me into this depression.
Now I sit here ribs crushing from anxiety, my brain hurting trying to decide do I die now?
I know go therapy blah blah blah yes I know. I have. But now. NOW.
My families broken. I’m getting the blame. Always do. Why but? I’m not stupid I know right from wrong and I can admit my faults. Why can’t one of them fix what’s going on with us. I’m sick and tired of being the parent. I can’t take it. Someone help me. Every time I come home I want to use. I just got clean. It’s screwing with me. They are killing meeeee. Its a long story why I can’t leave and live alone.
i can’t see tomorrow, next week or next year. Get me out of this bed, I don’t want to cry no more, I don’t want anyone upset. Zap my brain erase everything back to I was ten. Fake my death run away. Or God take my soul pleasssseeeeee my heart hurts so much. Or do I cut my throat properly were I’ve marked it so I don’t miss this time? Why is this so hard. Why why why can’t I be normal?
I don’t know.. all I know I don’t want to feel like this or live like this. I’m trapped.
– beautiful monster
Fisrt of all I’m not proud of this. I’ve never thought I would be publishing something in a page like this. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
Second, I’m spanish that’s why my grammar sucks, pretty much that.
I have no idea where should I start. I’ve been depressed for a lot of years, I tried to kill myself a couple of times but I didn’t suceed.
Background:
My parents are not together, they divorced when I was eight. My mother started returning really late from work, kids started bullying me at school, but I could handle it, until I was twelve. My father was getting married with a really awful woman. I started getting psychological abuse from both of them and I started failing almost all subjects in my school. My mother got really mad at me because she said that I wasn’t doing my best and that I was the worst person at the family, that I was a failure, and she even mentioned killing herself because she couldn’t stand me, to cut a long story short I started getting psychological abuse from her too. I tried to kill myself but I didn’t succeed. Then, my mother discovered my passion for music and I started taking singing and piano lessons. It was the thing that saved my life. I was still feeling very ill but at least music made me feel better. Then two years later, everything started to get even worse, the psychological abuse was too much to take and my mother started getting drunk each night and tearing the whole house apart. Sometimes I even woke up at night because I heard her breaking down things. I started getting really bad anxiety to the point that sometimes I couldnt even breath and pass out for a couple minutes. Then I decided the best thing would be to move out with my father.
The first year was kinda okay, these last two years has been nightmare for me. Her wife and the son of his wife had been spreading lies about me to the point that only half of my classmates talk to me, and the abuse was even worse. I even started getting physical abuse from my father and her wife.
Current situation:
Even my mother is sick, I really prefer to live with her and I tried to talk with her to let me return to her house but she doesnt want me there, she told me that I have to pass everything to be able to return.
The thing is that, I can’t pass my subjects because Im really depressed and I have really bad anxiety. The worst thing of all is that Im even studying something I dont want to. I really want to pursue music as a career but my mother told me that she wont pay for it; that the only thing she would pay for is my medical career, because otherwise, I would be a failure. The family failure.
Now, music is the only thing that has kept me alive. The only thing why I havent left, because it gives me purpose.
Now I’m in a constant circle of agony and pain. I’m supposed to finish school in a month. I have to pass two subjects I can’t pass because I suck at them. I even go to extra-classes to pass them, but I still can’t. (Btw that teacher is a ***** because she says that I’m the worst and that I’ll never pass, I tried to change my teacher but my parents wont even listen to me)
My sister was the one that used to help me but now she has really afwul problems and she can’t spend her time on me, she said I have to fix it alone.
If I can’t study the thing I want to spend the rest of my live in, Why am I living? Why am I dealing with all the shit that I get from my family?
Im very suicidal and I even considered doing it if this doesnt get better. I thought of doing it on the month of May.
I don’t know what the fuck should I do.
I can’t leave, because I have nowhere to go.
I can’t even sleep anymore.
And the thing is I’m actually scared of attempting music as a career, because of what of my parents said. That I will never succeed and I’ll be homeless (because if don’t study medicine like I said, they won’t pay me anything and the best thing is that they even threatened me to kick me out of the house; both houses)
My friends are starting to get scared of me for my suicidal thoughts so I have no one I can talk.
My classmates fucking hate me because of my father’s wife and his son.
I only talk to one or two people now, and I’m afraid of telling them this, because I don’t want them to get scared like the others did, and I don’t want these rumors spreading around.
Yes, I tried seeking help from my doctor, who said that I was stressed by school and that it’s normal. My father doesn’t want to cope with me because he says I suck.
Music is the only thing that keeps me alive, and if I can’t be the singer I want to be, I might end all of this.
I’ll kill myself in May.
Sorta upset. Sorta not. Mostly disgruntled. Okay, I’m pretty upset.
Its my birthday in a few days.. April 15th. I’m turning 18. Having a dumb party and all that good shit. Which.I’m excited about, yeah. But after that I have to take my fucking GED test that I’ve been studying for for years now on top of regular high school. (Its a weird homeschool situation.) sorta upset I had to drop out. That my high school diploma I would get if I didn’t drop out wouldn’t even count. Really upset that I have to take this dumb fucking test. I just want to pass. I’m so stressed out.
I have to take this test and find a job and a car and go to college for something I don’t even know what and move out in the next few months. Its just so much and I lie awake at night just thinking about it and dreading it. I haven’t done shit with my life. I suddenly have to do all this bullshit and figure out what I’m doing for the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I like! I don’t know what I can do that I would like to do and not starve doing it. I don’t know if that’s even possible. Plus the dept of college…
All my dad can to is still me about what I want to do and tell me about different jobs but I just don’t know! Nothing’s realistic!
And, on top of this I’ve had so many people and pets die. I’ve had two grandparents become diagnosed with late stage 4 terminal cancer, my grandad die, my grandmother grieve and is in the hospital now, and, of all things, my other grandmother get a stage 2 breast cancer.
My dog and cat even died. My pets i had for 14 years.. My grandad..
If that’s not enough my Mother has been making me fuckin insane! She’s been a lunatic! I understand her dad died and she has to grieve but she doesn’t have to go batshir crazy and make me suffer.
She’s been drinking every night she’s off work, and drinking herself to oblivion then acts like a manic. She will scream at my sister, dad and myself and wail and ***** and slam shit. She’s in the living room now, without two days of sleep, drunk out of her mind.
I just.. I have so much going on and I ***** to my friends too much as is. dont want to be a burden. But I don’t know what to do. I wish this was easier. I can’t even pay for college let alone enroll in it. I just want out of this whole fucking mess! I’m sick and tired of everything.
Why do I only think about all this at night, anyhow?
A few days ago, a classmate noticed the cuts on my wrist.
Today, a friend of mine saw the cuts too.
I told them it was nothing, that I only got them for being mean to cats (Don’t get me wrong, I love cats.). I know what I said was such an awful thing to say especially when even you can see the truth beyond your own lie. It’s just that I couldn’t quite think of anything to use as an alibi anymore.
I’m afraid sooner, more people would start to notice the slashes on my wrist and think I’m a weirdo, or worse they might think I’m someone trying to get the crowd’s attention. What I’m even more afraid of is if my parents ever find out about it.
Cutting makes the pain easier but if it will only lead to more of them, shall I stop?
I should. I know more than anything that I should stop. But even so, I know I can’t. It’s like oxygen. Essential. Refreshing. Life-sustaining. Addicting.
Now, I do not know what else to do.
I couldn’t blame the cuts on my wrist for being so noticeable.
I couldn’t blame my friends if they ever find out about the cuts someday and overreact.
I couldn’t blame anyone else for being the reason why I cut.
I could only blame myself.
What shall I do to hide the wounds?
What shall I do to keep people from knowing how vulnerable I am?
I used to post on here quite regularly when I was younger, I think when I was about 15 or 16? Around then. Those years are strangely hazy now, probably because I was living in such a haze of sadness and wanting to die. Anyway, I am now 21 and I’m back under a new name because I feel like a whole new person. A few parts of old me survived, and unfortunately one of those parts is the slightly suicidal one.
I say ‘slightly suicidal’ because even as I type this on this website that I know is about suicide, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t actually do it. It’s just a thought, like it’s there. It’s that option that comes into my mind regularly whether I want it to or not. I don’t want it to be an option, I really don’t. And I kind of know that it isn’t really, like the main thing is I know I can’t do that to my parents. I don’t care how egotistical or whatever that sounds, I just know that they’d be in so much pain if I died and even more if I’d killed myself. I can’t do that to them. And I can’t do that to some of my friends either.
It’s the friends thing too though, kind of. Like I am in a really not ideal house share with friends who aren’t really my friends any more for various reasons, and when they make me feel really bad about myself, when they make me really unhappy, I think maybe if I killed myself at least then they’d feel bad. And that’s fucked up, like I don’t want to be that kind of person. And I really hate that I have those those thoughts.
It’s strange, because the suicidal thoughts only seem to arise when I’m feeling particularly sad or angry. When I was here before it was a constant, like I remember sometimes muttering ‘i want to die’ under my breath repeatedly.
I’d just love to know what it is that’s wrong with me, like why is it that relatively small things can make me spiral into this kind of pit of despair? Why is death becoming an appealing option again? What is wrong with me, and how can I stop it?
I don’t want to die but I’m a very impulsive person at times and I worry that maybe one of these days the urge will be stronger than usual and I’ll actually do it without thinking properly through all my very good reasons why I shouldn’t.
It’s hanging this time… not sure why. I just keep thinking about hanging myself, whether I’m feeling down that day or not. Before, I don’t think I had any specific method in mind. Think I vaguely considered pills, but it wasn’t something I imagined much. It’s strange comparing the two versions of myself on this site as in so many ways I am so different, and in so many ways that are quite specific to suicide itself. I think back then it was something I kind of wanted, but now it’s something I really want to go away.
For a while I lived as someone who isn’t suicidal and I would really love to be in that position again. I just don’t know how.
Newer Posts