I am staring at the ceiling. My chest hurts. The sound the fan makes is suddenly too loud. I can’t breath right.
Why can’t I just die peacefully in my sleep?
Yes, I wouldn’t get to make a suicide note but I don’t have many people I want to say goodbye too.
Its just too much.
I promised myself I would hang on until I was 25, only 5 more years to not break my promise, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.
I wanted to finish uni, secure a job and move out to another place to start again and see if that way, I could be happy, but I don’t think I can hold on much longer.
I miss the people that used to be my friends, I miss uni, I miss looking happy in photos, I miss myself.
I thought that my sister giving birth would give me a purpose, some happiness, but now I only see it as a new opportunity to disappear.
I won’t be a burden to them, and all of my tuition money would go to the baby so my sister can feel more financially secure and my mother could get the operation she needs and start living her retirement the way she should.
I am sure they would move on quickly as I am quite irrelevant to them.
Heck, my mother can’t even remember my birthday, which funnily enough is at the end of the month.
I don’t really want to leave, I want another shot at happiness, as I’ve always said, but the pain is unbearable.
My mother doesn’t let me go on vacation with my father and doesn’t let me leave my house as she wants me to help with all the chores I couldn’t do when I was at uni. I’ll have to wait a little bit since he has the medication I want to end my life.
Oddly enough I am feeling sad because I’ll never see one of my professors again, but I keep reminding myself that him would have already forgotten about me. It’s sucks that he cared more about me than any of my parents during this academic year, but it’s time to move on.
I hope I’ll be able to get my meds soon and say goodbye forever.