The Hardest Goodbye So Far

What is my greatest gift? What can I give you? What could I possibly say that would be comforting at this time? I don’t have anything left to give, nothing left to offer really. Clearly I can’t answer all of the questions you must have by now. And it’s sad, after all I’ve done to you in this short period of time, that I can’t do anything to make up for it. Just yesterday, you were probably going about your business, not even a thought towards me (I am not offended by this). But, perhaps it now feels like you won’t be able to do anything without me. I promise that is not the case.

Life will continue without me, and it should continue as though I was never there to begin with. I am sorry that I have made your life so difficult. You loved so passionately someone who could never return the favor, no matter how hard she tried. I have been so horrible, I have stirred up so much negativity in you, and I’m sorry that my death will not bring an end to that. Your feelings will diminish over the years, but they will always be there and I am so sorry for that. I would hate to put anyone through anything close to what I’ve been through, and I’m doing exactly that.

I never stopped loving you, as I promised to you many times I never would. I tried to replace you with other guys, but none of them could love me properly, none of them could make me feel as alive as you did. I’ve fallen in love with rich people, artists, and sadists, but the only thing I ever loved about them was the small piece of you that they gave me. Some of them could make me laugh, some of them knew how to hurt me, and some of them fell so deeply and rapidly in love that they scared themselves away from me. None of them could give me what you gave me.

Maybe you over-appreciated me, probably you did. Now, I don’t have anything. I’m usually appreciated for my body, once in a while for my brains, and sometimes for my wit. Nobody loves me all of the time, nobody is there making sure I know that I will be loved at the very end of all things. This is not your fault, I chose this. I chose control over emotion, and ever since I have suppressed every hint of it. I left you, think I’m supposed to say that I hate you, I hate what you did to me, I’ll never look at you the same way, but I can’t. At the end of all things, I just want you to know that everything you felt/feel is justified. The last time I saw you, knowing that it would be the last time I saw you, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Loss and hardship are the reason for our existence. Without these, we would not know what greatness there can be without them. And without greatness peeking out at us from the other side of our hardships, we would have no reason to overcome adversity. I can hardly lecture anyone on how important it is that we take the bad with the good, and assume that everything will work out in the end. This is the ultimate exercise in control for me. You know how much I hate it when I don’t know what is going to happen, or when my will has no impact on a situation. Well now I have exercised my right to determine my own outcome. It was only a matter of time.

Ask for help when you need it, or you’ll end up like I’m about to end up.