For years i was deeply depressed, I cut myself badly and couldn’t physically get up in the morning.
I got better, i would be depressed for a week then happy then depressed again and so on.
Now i’m slowly seeping back to being deeply depressed enough to find it hard to breathe every second. I’m starting to think every one hates me again, and that if i died no one would care.
I had my first ‘happy day’ about a week ago, i got so much done and was laughing and didn’t feel lonely. Didn’t repeat in my head “I want to die” like usual.
It was fantastic, however before that day i didn’t have a happy day for about a month. And now i have forgotten what being happy feels like again.
I feel like my heart is going to explode.
“I want to die” Does anyone else mutter that in their heads over and over all day? I can’t stop from saying it. It makes me feel worse.
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Yes. Every day.
I’ve gone to so many doctors. So many therapists.
I’m losing hope too.
yea i do.. 🙁
Not all day. Just as soon as I wake up every morning, a few times at work and before I fall asleep each night. Maybe if I told myself to do it more often I’d actually get up the stones to go through with it.
Yeah I say that in my head fairly often along with other gems like “You’re a piece of sh!t” and “you’re already dead anyway” among others lol.
I’ve been waking every day to hear myself say:
“Another day of emptiness this life is wearing me down”
One of the issues with this cursed wretched depression is that it screws your memory.
Suddenly things that you did in the past and that were joyful seem so distant, so unreal. Over time you start to think more and more that you were never happy. Nothing was ever great. Nothing was ever special.
That’s why writing about good moments is often good for depression. Write to yourself whenever you feel a little bit better, whenever you feel the noose around your neck being lifted, even for just a moment, write it down so you remember that it can happen. Things can be different, things can change.
And yes, I keep saying to myself things like ” I just want to die…” , “Please just let me wither away” , “Please just leave me alone” during the day. I say it ever minute every second and ever mili-second, it’s this voice inside of me that refuses to live, that refuses to have hope.
I’ve said that before and it can happen during odd times. Seeing others happy makes it worse especially when I do things to put myself in a better position. “What’s the point if it won’t matter?” another gem that is said more often than I should be dead.