And I can’t fucking wait. I borrowed a car for tonight, which is a key part to implementing my plan. Which I’m sticking to this time btw. I’m not risking failure again. For those of you who have stayed up night after night with me, fighting the dark, it truly meant alot to me… I want you to find whatever it is you are looking for. If I haven’t lost everything i loved, I will anyway. I have to shut this shit up my mind is split in half again, fighting itself. I would rather be completely fucking stupid than have an overactive mind that never shuts down. It’s very exhausting. And what do I stay for … go work this shitty job? Keep reaching out to people so they can really see how fucked up i am and then they get tired too? I can’t keep doing this to people either. It’s not right, even I know that…
I don’t think i can stop it this time. I don’t think that I want to. I would rather be obsolete than fighting this mind. Besides, not like I’m not already.
21 comments
I’m right there with you. I’m done fighting. I’m done waiting. Tonight is the night.
please, have hope. right now i wanna die more then ever, but im convincing myself that life for me will eventually get better. just as im sure it will for you. i know its probably hard but try to smile today find something to wake up tomorrow. BREATHE.
I know I should tell you to stay and fight.. really what I feel.. but that makes me a hypocrite on top of everything else, doesn’t it. I just feel like I’m done here.. I’ve burned up every other option. Sick last night, sick today in and out of reality right now b/c of the stupid panic attacks. I’ve really had it with these thoughts. Like usually I get run down but this time I am angry.. furious with these thoughts. Maybe I’ve never been so angry. And that is why I want to suddenly control this situation. I can control it, there is one way.
And so angry that I need people.. makes me so mad at myself. Stop needing and you can’t hurt.
i get it, needing people makes me feel worthless and angry but sometimes all people need is someone to talk to and there is nothing wrong with that. belive me.
I always need someone to talk to because I never want to be alone with these thoughts. That’s why everyone gets tired of me.
i have to talk to someone all the time too not my family cuz well they want nothing to do with me and trust me i will not get tired of u at all.
SAme here. lost all my friends because I kept asking for help. BEcause I always doubted myself. they got sick of me. im done
You are fighting a very real hell. I hope that knowing that people on here understand will keep you fighting.
I keep going back to my family that treats me like shit, like for punishment or something. I wish I could just walk away. Your family is missing out. You’re always here, and you don’t let me run you off.. which I like about you. So, thanks for that.
I think life is my punishment
I got an apt.. with people that specialize in bpd. I don’t know if i can make it …. I mean even say I’m alive.. I can’t even imagine me starting that shit all over. But I have kids. Damn it damn it. No great kids. And if im here they are seeing this and if im gone well then i was a fucked up mother but i cant fuck things up any worse dont you see.
@ determined i wonder the same thing
Right now I’m in such a fucked up mood. Its so bad. I’m NEVER going back to therapy, and I’m NEVER going to see my two best friends again, whether I kill myself tonight or not. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
did they do something wrong? im sorry you are in sucha mood… damn me too.. this time though i am just raging…this is not me. And I see it all … see how crazy I act. See the thoughts taking over. I hate therapy too and therapy hates me. They don’t like it when you get in their head too. Every one of mine has quit on me. So im not thrilled at all but in doing reasearch it seems meds are not going to help me. And from experience, they dont help me.
ahh i see. my family treat me like shit too. at least u have a choice you are a mother enjoy your kids, your husband? im fighting with a long distance relationship at nearly 15 behind my parents back which is all so fucked since im thinkin of moving out for the summer but havent found a place to stay yet im doing whatever to save my money to earn an appartment asap.
No. No husband the kids they are all ive lived for so far. But I’m no good for them. I think it’s fucked that you feel at your age you need to move out.
im moving out too if i live tonight which i wont
and my friends dont understand what im going through and they just want out’
and therapy sucks i hate it there
it is fucked but what am i to do be treated like shit and be beat by my 9 year old sister, i think not. moving out i can have everything the way i want im mature in some ways to live w/out my parents. i want to move in with my neighbor she lives in a huge house with just her husband and dogs, and cuz she cant concieve she said im welcome anytime. sadly my parents wont let me leave haha yet they want nothing to do with me
im not disputing that you should move out believe me but im glad you are going about it the right way
really? i had a long talk with my parents bout me moving out my mom said she didnt wanna lose me???? my dad just stares at me angry and screams “are you fucking stupid! damn girl u should be locked in jail that will get u what u want but also to teach you a lesson about being so freaking stupid!”god he yelled so loud it scared me so much.