I typed out a million different ways to start off the breaking in of my first post here, the only thing I could think of was “hey so I tried to kill myself this one time” that’s what it came down to.
Kind of sad to think I made all the effort to sign up to this and yet that’s all I can think to say. So let me tell you my story.
It may not be as eccentric or shocking a most people’s here but I’m not looking for a condition. I’m just going to give the honest truth.
I work hard for everything I’m not intelligent but I spend hours working at school and at home to keep a B+ – A- average. I’m one of the best in my school at my sport (which is rugby by the way I’m Australian) I have a loving girlfriend and a brilliant family.
So why post here?
Why did I cut “fuck you” into my leg with a razor blade?
Well because I hate myself. I cant stand the way my brain works. What I think and feel. It kills me inside. I’m way to nice so I’m abused by all my friends who think they can run over me like I’m a peice of shit. I love the ” nah man we arent doing anything this weekend” but next thing you know they just had a party and posted it on facebook. Like seriously? Come on guys.
But that isn’t the big thing. It’s just what pushed e over the edge.
What all this comes down to is the fact that I don’t know where I belong. I’m not meant to be here. I don’t fit in I don’t understand how this place functions and I can’t find a place for myself in this egotistical society. I’m terrified I’ll never belong an I’m terrified I’ll loose the only thing I have ever loved in this world (girlfriend). If I loose her i would deffinately jump infront my my school bus the next morning. I’m worried I’ll loose her because she is so perfect, she fits, she belongs and she knows what she is doing.
But anoints enough, am I the only one who doesn’t feel like they belong? Or is this some common missconception some few people have that makes them dissilusional to their perfect lifestyle. I know mine couldn’t get any better. But why aren’t I happy?
7 comments
I don’t feel as if I belong here as well. I too am a “nice guy” who finishes last all the time. We are easily abused by our care and compassion we feel towards others. So why do I feel anything for others who feel little for me? I don’t know.. it’s odd. I too hate the way my brain works, how I “feel” life more than others it seems. I wish I could be a blind rat running thru this maze of life but I see/feel way too much. I will never go to a therapist for my issues for happy pills are not what I want. I don’t care for the idea that my happiness relies on “big ******” fat cats and their for profit medicine. It helps some and that’s good, fine, good for you. I am only still breathing because I am too afraid not to. Why can’t the random reach of death make it’s way to my door? I have three attempts on my life, last one being 9 years ago and I swore the next time that I won’t fail. I won’t fail next time yet for some reason that tiniest bit of hope for something, anything better keeps me here and I seriously hate that tiny bit of hope…
Fuck you tiny bit of hope!!! I agree with you 100% mate. Nice to see someone compatible with on this.
Dear Josh, if that’s your real name. I just read your story. I don’t know how old are you, how you look or what’s going on with your life. I just know that you are feeling the same way as I do. I live way too far from you, and I am sure you haven’t even heard of my country. Anyway, all my life I felt that the place I live in, is too different from others, and it really is. I thought that my problem was the country. Now, after I read what you have written, I found out that I was wrong. The problem isn’t the country. The problem is THE PEOPLE. The problem is that we don’t fit. We don’t feel good in front of them. I am happy that you have a girlfriend, and I think you should talk to her , and tell her how you are feeling. I wish I could help you, but I don’t know how. I forgot to tell you that my life is a mess too, and even I don’t know what to do. I just really hope you’ll get better, and don’t forget, you are not the only one. Love, a girl.
Being nice, helpful and caring is a good thing … but being those things does NOT mean a person has to sacrifice themselves or their possessions. You can be those things and still e smart about it … loaning someone $5 is being helpful … loaning someone $500 isn’t necessarily smart unless you have a great trusting relationship with that person. Trust is earned, it shouldn’t be taken for granted.
being nice is free … there’s no reason NOT to be nice unless someone purposely does something not nice to you … then simply steer clear of that person .. pretend they no longer exist since the not nice person offers nothing to your life … being mean or looking for “payback” will only reflect back on you no matter how much they deserve it … be above it.
Always look out for yourself first – it may seem selfish, but you can’t help anyone when you’re drowning … first get your “life jacket” on … then help others …. but don’t ever give away your life jacket.
float dawg
This metaphor you speak of. I love it!! Thankyou friend
The dawg is floating up a storm in here. Words to live by and follow. You are number 1…and the lesson actually..(take this on the chin, it’s encouragement) is for you to understand love and appreciation is cultivated from within…your friends behaviour is a reflection on them as they acted without integrity and ignorance. People who put themselves first are selfish…and it needs to be known that selfishness is fantastic and a positive with respect to your health, well being, and freedom for you to be the authentic you! Make take a shift or change in mind…when you practice that, you’ll love yourself.
You have to line up with the real you, not anyone else. Cliche I know, but the cart does not pull the horse…be the horse that pulls and directs you and your life by your choices, not others. You’ll find yourself feeling a whole lot better about you! Again, dawg is a wise dawg…read those words a few times. Cheers!
So, who is the dawg?