So, I have the equipment for my preferred method. I have a backup plan if that method doesn’t work. I have a third backup plan in case the other two don’t work, or if I don’t feel like doing either of the other two. All of my supplies are in the trunk of my car; not just the bus ticket, but the accessories I’ll need to make my my exit as calm, orderly and comfortable as possible.
Last night I found the spot. An absolutely perfect spot. Not too close, not too far. Secluded enough so that I can get enough time alone to properly execute (no pun intended) my plan. I know that when I have to go, it will be under cover of darkness. I’ll have a window of anywhere between 6-8 hours where I can do what I have to. It should take less than an hour.Â
My last hour will be spent finalising emails to a handful of those close to me, with said emails being scheduled to go out approximately 48 hours after I catch the bus. It’s likely that those I leave behind will know of my demise before they get the email.  I may have to leave a note in my car to let certain people know to check their email in a couple of days. I may have a drink, I don’t know yet.Â
Just prior to pushing the button, I will wipe my Gmail account and deactivate my other social media accounts, but not until I’ve moved several very special items to a hidden part of the Cloud where it will live forever … or until the server gets turned off.
Now that the last major piece of the puzzle is in place, I feel surprisingly calm. I’m almost looking forward to checking out.
26 comments
Why?
Why but why?
I know that calm feeling … I actually took that calm serene feeling and carried on for several months now – i know now that everything can work if absolutely needed – but I’ll hold off until certain life event should occur – if they don’t then tada – i stick around the blue marble for a while longer
timeline dawg
It’s funny how you can have every detail planned out perfectly. Method, time, place, final arrangements, etc. The plan is foolproof. But when it comes time to actually “execute” your method, indecisiveness sets in. You’ll second guess yourself and wonder if this really is the best possible course of action.
I doubt that whoever said “suicide is for cowards” has ever teetered on the ledge.
@lucy – I guaran-goddamn-tee they never have … I never thought that suicide was “cowardice” before my seriously considering and planning stages … but I did kind of have an “it’s the easy way out” attitude about it … I have a whole new appreciation and respect for those who are REALLY planning and actually go through with it
but I think it’s the “why” of it that some people can’t respect … not so much the act itself – and there are some who do it for what appear (key word) to be relatively minor issues.
I’ve yet to get to the point of setting up the “rig” so I haven’t experienced the indecisiveness yet
occam’s razor dawg
Udham Singh avenged the jallianwalla Bagh massacre. He knew he was going to his death. But it was his duty. He died a martyr. Those who call it suicide would never have had the will to set an example.
Yeah, the “why”. “His/her life wasn’t that bad”. “Obviously he/she had mental issues”. “If only we knew there was a problem we could’ve fixed him/her”.
It’s a tough subject because suicide usually seems like a really bad idea, except to the person who’s planning on doing it.
@Dawg: It’s interesting you should say that. I wonder if I’ll have a similar experience? That is to say that, somewhat paradoxically, that being physically and mentally prepared to check out at any time has given me some sort of hope..!
@lucy4: Whilst I believe I’m mentally prepared, I do wonder if I’ll have some sort of hesistation when I get to the time where I decide to go. The main reason I’ve built in a couple of safeguards (preservation of particularly special corrspondence and images; 48 hour time delay etc) is just in case my attempt is unsuccessful. Whether it’s because it’s physically unsuccessful (i.e. the method didn’t work as planned) or mentally unsuccessful (i.e. hesitation) remains to be seen.
Either way, one of my last pieces of correspondence will be a post on SP. So, unless you get a post from me that indicates that I’m about to catch the bus, just assume I’m alive and (un)well. 😉
For those wondering ‘why?’, here is the most recent part of my backstory: http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/ive-fallen-and-i-cant-get-up/
There’s a whole bunch of earlier experiences that set me up for this:
http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/the-only-two-basic-human-emotions-are-love-and-fear/ … I may post more about those sometime between now and my departure.
I always love the “jeeze, it’s only money” … yeah … and homelessness and starvation and sickness and nothingness … gee – i can’t wait – ya think it ain’t all that bad? – tell ya what – i move into YOUR house and YOU go live under a bridge!
yipicuya dawg
@Dawg: True. In my case, it’s more a feeling that I put myself (and others close to me) into an untenable situation that appears to have very few resolutions. I’ve failed in my duty as a provider, and the worst part is that I’ve only just realised that – in my heart of hearts – I didn’t really want to be a provider in the first place.
Human nature is to seek the path of least resistance. I’ve done that, and it worked OK up until about 5 years ago, when this path was upwards. Now it’s heading downwards, and it would appear that for me, the path of least resistance is the one marked ‘exit’.
There are multiple exit doors.
Not to get all preachy on ya, but you can abandon your life without ending it.
@lucy4: I’m doing some work on that, too. It’s just nice that I have at least one Plan B ready to deploy. If I can get one of the other Plans B into order, then I may not need to check out. However, I’ve set a time limit on this and I am not optimistic about my chances of getting another exit strategy in place prior to my time limit expiring.
In all fairness – you didn’t create the GFC that wipe people like you and me out … i don’t “prefer” to play the victim role but in this case there really was a grand scheme and conspiracy that we were less than pawns in.
rooked dawg
@Dawg: That may be the case. We can’t control external influences, but we can control how we react to them. Had I worked harder when I was younger in a field I was good at and interested in, and if I wasn’t in such a hurry to get away from a crappy childhood, then I might have built a more sustainable life for myself.
So, whilst it’s not my fault it happened, it is my fault that I didn’t build my life properly, and that some poor decisions on my behalf made things even worse.
Allright. I wish you both the best. I just got challenged again to a billiard tournament. I won 9 out of 11 games on Sunday and my friend is looking for retribution. Peace out.
I have to go get drunk now & shoot some pool.
@lucy: Have a great time defending your title! 🙂
@lucy – damn you! – I wanna go drinkin and whorin!
@Sans – com on dude – I call shenanigans – yeah – it’s all your fault you aren’t the great Kreskin … we make the best decisions at the time with the information and relatively appropriate foresight – i planned for am insanely unheard of contraction in real estate of 10% … 50% later – ain’t no WAY i’m taking the blame for this shit
just sayin dawg
@Dawg: I’m grateful that we’ve not had that sort of crazy real estate stuff down our way. It’s not so much the real estate market being the problem, it’s more a case of the industry I was in. Then, I moved to an industry which – on paper – looked very safe … until the sector got decimated overnight due to action from the Government that nobody saw coming.
Trying to get back into my old industry has been nigh on impossible; probably because I was – at best – mediocre in my previous role. I can’t find work in a lesser role in my industry because (on paper) i’m overqualified, even though in reality I was underqualified for my last role in that industry. The annoying part is that I kick ass at the lesser role, and would be happy to do my time there and pay my dues.
http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/so-you-want-to-end-your-life-♥-read-this-if-it-doesnt-change-your-perspective-then-email-me-and-talk-to-me-♥/
If wish you had the time to email me certain details of this plan. Well I read some of your other posts, and I have a way of not question anyone too much on there exit plan unless they under 18. I would not have bother reading this post if I didn’t notice the name under it. I wonder if I could leave a comment that would give you 100% reason to live would you want to hear it? that’s a test, if you did then you would still have hope. good luck either way.
I really really hope you’re still reading this website. Please listen to reason. I have an idea that’s totally worth a shot. And it’s also foolproof and airtight. 1) First of all, you write very well. Please don’t go. Write something. Everything. And share your mind with the world. 2) Here’s the idea: Get in the car or take the bus or whatever to where you’re trying to go and just stay there. Get away from your life’s boring routine. Stay out there for a few days or a week – no email, no phone, if you want. Walk around, be free. Lie about your name if you want. You can live and be whoever YOU want to be. You can stay there if you like and get a new email address, or go back to your life when want – no need to answer questions. Just, use your mind. You can be SO much more creative than this – I can tell.
Some of the comments aren’t showing, but I can see them when I click the little speech bubble at the top of my screen. To those that posted comments, I can see your email addresses. I may email some of you in the next day or so. I’m not planning on going anywhere just yet, if only to hear how orangish’s camping trip went. 🙂
Good luck. Whatever the outcome I hope you’re better off.
Sansesperer, you will be sorely missed here if you DO ‘catch the bus’. I too know that calm serene feeling when I have been wrestling with thoughts of suicide and I suddenly stop wrestling and make up my mind to go through with it. It’s like a safety valve. It lets some of the pressure out (a little how cutting works for some people). Knowing the option is there can be all it takes to enable us to keep on keeping on. I really hope, for purely selfish reasons, that you will remain on the ‘blue marble’ for a while yet and continue to post so eloquently and beautifully. Going to read your other posts now. Z x
I’m still here. 🙂
Oddly enough, knowing that I have pretty much everything set to go at any time does continue to give me some sort of comfort.
Yesterday, on my Twitter feed, someone I follow had threatened to check out. She had gone to a well-known suicide spot in my country and was about to jump, however she decided not to. Whilst I can understand that she must be in an immense amount of pain, I was so pleased when she tweeted 2 hours later to explain why she felt the way she did, and then to let us know that she didn’t (although the fact that she’s still seriously considering it … well … that’s not so comforting).