Me

This is me i  seem like a normal girl wright wrong ive had a life of hell started self harming when i was 7 by sticking pins in my skin then it got mad when i was 10 i started cuting with a saving razor then a pencial razor by 12 by the age of 13 i was cutting with a real razor and still am i some times wanna use a knife but aint got the guts i have been told i have bipolar depression and sucidal thoughts and still do i dont go to a doctor everyone thinks i have stopped wrong again i still do i did stop for a while up ontil march 23 when martin got kill me and martin was a couple basically he got stabbed in the heart over 10 dollars he went to get back from a bully for his little brother then he pilled a knife and martin was unarmored the day i found out he was stabbed he was only 17 me 14 at the time bout to be 15 i am 15 now and get to thinking about him so i cut to relive my thought i cant sleep some nights at all i currenlty am trying to date again but dont want to my grand ma is pressuring me to but where more like friends i cant forget martin noone knows i am cutting again but three people my bff my current some what boyfriend and me the reson my bff knows is because she cuts to but i dont wanna be without martin i wanna be with him the only thing that kept me going till now is i thought i was preg with his baby i took to pregancy test and they came back postive but i went to the health deparnmet today my bff took me and they done an ultrasound and there was  nothing so now i really have nothing to live fore i need help and bad i can go on like this i havent sleep in 3 days now and im not going to take any meds