I’ve been going through severe depression for several years, causing me to lose everything I had ever worked for – my marriage, my profession, and many of my friends. I’ve been in treatment, which doesn’t help. When I was at a particularly low point, right after I lost my job and my marriage collapsed, I reached out to my best friend of almost 20 years. We’d been very close since we were teenagers. I told him how horrible I was feeling and that I was scared I was going to die. I asked him to come see me. I wanted help. I was thinking of going to the hospital, but scared. I couldn’t get out of bed, even for a drink of water.
His response was to send me an email with a bunch of suicide resources – that also broke off contact, temporarily, he said. He said he cared about me but I was bad for his own mental health. He said he wasn’t ending the friendship. That was over 3 years ago. I haven’t heard from him since or ever tried to contact him.
I miss him every day. At the same time he broke off contact with a suicidal person who lived alone, over email. I couldn’t do that to a stranger (I’ve had jobs where I’ve worked with suicidal people as well as suicidal friends) let alone someone I claimed to love. It’s hard not to see that as one of the most important people in my life not caring whether I lived or died. I’m plagued with that thought, that I’m so worthless that the people who knew me best, my spouse and my best friend, wrote me off. I feel like I died then and I’ve just been a walking ghost since.
I have family and friends who have been supportive, but I will never tell any of them how I really feel because they will leave.
2 comments
Somtimes people/friends remove themselves because they are scarred and don’t know how to cope with someone that is suicidal. Fear drives them away, everyone reacts to helplessness in different ways some are really strong yet most of us are just downright scarred to feel responsible if the person actually does committ suicide.
Sometimes suicide is the most right choice for us, if after years of depression and treatments that didn’t work we are left with the only way out of the nighmare which is to end our life here.
None of us here at TSP know your exact situation so you have to make a choice to get busy living or get busy dying, its your choice. Whatever you choose its okay, you will just transend into another plane of existence ( at least thats the way I think of physical death ).
Gonealready I really hope you are not gone already! I agree with caucajun, everyone reacts differently mostly the wrong way since they don’t really understand and don’t know how to help. My boyfriend gets mad and frustrated. I’m really sorry your friend left you, but you shouldn’t have this bottled up.