I am a 30 year old guy who has been sober from drugs and alcohol for 4 years. Back when I was drinking I lost my fiance because I cheated on her and then left her because I thought I could never forgive myself even though she forgave me. While staying sober I got hooked on tattoos, buying cars, and other crazy spending. I put myself in debt and have full sleeve tattoos now. I regret them so much even though they have to do with recovery and my faith in God. I feel like people are judging me because of the tattoos and have gotten several negative comments. I am also finding it difficult to find a job. I decided to laser off at least the ones below my elbows. After many laser treatments the tattoos were still there and showing no signs of completely going away. Just inked up scars. I ended up in 4 crisis centers and tried all kinds of meds and lately ECT. I am told it is just my depression that the tattoos should not be the reason I kill myself. But I feel if I didnt get them I would be fine. My therapist says to use them for good and since I graduated from college to be a drug counselor I thought most jobs wouldnt mind them but in my area they do. I feel like such a failure and am considering my options for suicide but am scared to go to hell and what it will do to my family. I started to feel better a few weeks ago and to keep the tattoos and get them fixed. If i needed to move to an area with a more accepting rehab I would. things were looking up and I even had an artist start to fix my one arm. then a few days ago my insomnia and depression came back so strong I didn’t know what to do. Now I want them off again and feel like I ruined my life. My family is so tired of dealing with this over the past year and I don’t know what else to do other then just end it. I know it sounds silly to kill yourself over sleeve tattoos but I feel like no girl will ever want to marry me, I wont be a good dad, I will never have a good paying job, and so on and so on.. I also have a tattoo on my neck which says sober and free in Irish Gaelic. I just got hooked on getting them and thought I was doing so much better because I wasnt using drugs and alcohol anymore. Please, has anyone wanted to kill themselves so strongly but the pain of their family and fear of the after life is the only thing stopping them. In my case it still might not be enough. Sorry for the long post, I am lost!!!!
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Well, good for you in getting someone to take a look at your tattoos. That’s one thing I could never exactly understand; how people with tattoos are rejected from positions just because they have tattoos. If I walked into a… I don’t know, a big clothing store or something and I saw someone with tattoos, I wouldn’t think anything of it. Just ‘Oh tattoos, cool.’ Or if my accountant had tattoos, I would actually think highly of him and of how he managed his money to afford those tattoos. People are weird. You should keep fighting through this. You need someone to talk to who has had what you’re going through. Rejection due to what seems to be something small. I’ve no tattoos, so I’m not entirely sure what to tell you, but I can tell you that you must keep fighting.
Depression is a nasty enemy and it takes a long time to be able to understand why exactly it keeps coming back. Many factors contribute to it. The unable to find a job, losing someone you love, or just what people say could be behind it. It’s difficult to find a real job in this time, but if you keep going at it and you show people that you work hard, someone will give you a chance. The choice is entirely up to you. Do you want to improve your life? Do you want to be happy with you? What is the most important thing in your life? There are a lot more questions to ask yourself, but you’ll find those out yourself.
Thank you for replying to me. I don’t understand it either, I look at people with tattoos the same as I look at those without. But I should have done more research on how it would effect my job search. I have always been someone that acts on impulse. I have found one guy to talk to at my church. He has a few tattoos on his forearms and got sober, married, kids. He owns his own auto body shop so they don’t effect his work. Everyone keeps telling me it is the depression that is causing me to see myself in such a negative way. He told me he thought about suicide too, but worked through it. My main thing is not sleeping. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night in over a week and it is wearing me down. To answer your questions, yes I want to improve my life. I wish I could be happy with the way I am now, all tatted up. My 4 year old niece is the most important thing in my life, she is the reason I’m still fighting. I love her with all my heart. I guess I do have a lot of questions to answer for myself. I could get a job up in Boston where I interned but want to get mentally healthy first, since I will be helping people with mental illness and substance abuse. I just think I should be more stable so I am looking for other jobs in the meantime. Does your depression come and go? I always drank it away and was doing ok for the first few years of sobriety so I dont know how to handle it coming and going sober now
you will be a good father and husaband eventually, outward apperances dont matter for that
Thank you! That is a fact I have to learn and believe. Hope I realize that before it is too late…
What an interesting post. I shed a silent tear yesterday on the city bus, as I watched a family of five enjoy the day; Mom and dad, brother and sister, and grandma(I assumed). What struck me about these people over any other group I’ve seen in my travels were the tattoos that mom and dad had all over their arms. Mother had a bunch of classic cartoon characters and some modern ones while dads tats were mostly tribal deisgns and fire and other cool, manly stuff.
I’ve often thought that my own hobbies and habits are alienating me from the type of happiness I want in the future (wife and kids) but seeing them made me remember that it takes all sorts of people to make this world go round.
My point is that yes, it’s stupid to want to kill yourself over sleeve tattoos. You said it yourself that they’re a token of your sobriety, that they helped a great deal in your sobering up. Why would you want to be with people that weren’t tolerant of that? Beating those demons is not an easy feat and you are to be commended for it. Anyone that brings you down for all that you’ve accomplished isn’t someone that you need in your life.
As for getting a job with those tattoos, what about long sleeves while you work? I got into the habit of wearing collared shirts and ties to any and all interviews just to give off a good impresson. True that it is harder to get a job with lots of tattoos, but not impossible, and it’s not every industry that discriminates. Plus, most of the civilized world is being run by socialists so you can complain about human rights being violated and you’ll most likely win!
You’re still really young and it sounds like you’ve only just climbed out of the hole of despair that drugs and alcohol helped to keep you in; don’t give up now because it seems you’re ready for the next stage of your life. You’ve worked so hard and for so long just to get yourself to this point, back on solid ground. Don’t stop now; keep pushing and make something out of yourself. Don’t let your skin hold you back.
Thanks for the reply! When reading about your experience on bus and seeing the family all having fun with tattoos, I am reminded of how I often google tattooed fathers. It helps to see guys who are heavily tattooed smiling holding their kids. It brings me out of my depression sometimes. Long sleeves are a good idea. I guess I get into feeling sorry for myself that I cant where a polo shirt to work, but it is still no reason to off myself. I have my substitute teaching cert and will be subbing in a few weeks. Maybe some schools will be ok with them and I can get some self worth from working a few days a week. I also have been applying for driving positions at night for extra money but no call backs yet. Your post made me smile and I appreciate it. I need to get over it and find a way to make a living and use them for good. I have never done anything like a site like this before but am glad I did. Hope you get a wife and kids someday too!!
Yes I understand this feeling tattoo regret COMPLETELY. I wish I never went near a tattoo shop myself. not for the same reasons as you. but I tattooed the words stupid ****** on my arm to shock people when I used to crossdress. and never really thought I would regret it until lately. but I guess I meant to have struggles otherwise I would not learn how to appreciate life after I get mine removed. and I have 3 other tattoos that are normal tattoos of girls . that I also regret too. but the funny thing is that im NOT actually gay. but I used to think that if I had girl tattoos and a ****** tattoo that it would make me accept my self more better. but all it did was alienate my self from other and my own self. so yes I know whats its like to have the TERRIBLE SUICIDAL TATTOO REGRET man. its really a fucking nightmare 24/7. and I recently started doing tattoo vanish treatment to pull the ink out of my fag tat. so I hope I can continue to learn to accept myself for who I am. and not for what my tattoos are and I hope you can too in your own way of course. also you should know that laser tattoo removal is very dangerous from what I have read stories about it. and that its possible that the removed ink from the laser could end up stuck in your lymphnodes or even your brain which is painful. so that’s why i’m just pulling my ink out using tattoo vanish. which takes about a year or more to do. but its FAR safer than laser from what I understand. but it does not pull out as much ink as laser either. Feel better and take care.