Ok I’m not good at sharing my feelings but it comes to a point when you have to I guess. I found this site with a google search on how to disappear and I figured what could it possible make worse for me.
A lot of things have happened to me in my life that, as I see it now, are pretty shitty but they never used to hold me down. My mother killed herself when I was about 4 years old and the image of finding her there on her bed is burned into my memory, A terrible father that pursued his own ventures while I suffered, lots of moving and evictions and still I always stayed happy. It wasn’t until after I joined the U.S. Marine Corps and got hurt that things really started to become hard to deal with. When I got hurt I tore my ankle apart pretty bad and was placed in the MRP ( Medical rehab platoon) on Camp Geiger in Jacksonville, NC. While I was there I went through the worst mental abuse I’ve ever endured. Because I was hurt they told me that I was a burden to my county, that I had failed all of you that I wanted to protect. They would wake us up at 0300 just to remind us that we were useless. I was called a liar about my injury for months and almost thrown in the brig for faking until a dr finally decided to do surgery and then they found the problems and tried to fix them. After I got back from my month home after the surgery things were just as bad as ever. I couldn’t move out of the way face enough for my platoon Sgt so he kicked my crutches out from underneath me so I fell. A fellow injured marine in my platoon fell asleep during the day which, among almost everything else besides sitting on the concrete floor, was NOT allowed. They made us all take our beds and walk up and down the stairs with them as a punishment. Keep in mind these are all injured service men and women that just want to heal and return to duty. After months of that I gave up on being in the military and accepted the discharge.
Things were kind of rough when I got home but I found a really good job and just worked to support myself and help take care of the girl I was with for over a year at that point. Things were finally looking up for me again. I just bought a nice new car, getting a promotion at work, ready to propose and then an old fucking woman hits me in the driver side 2 weeks after I bought my new car and almost totals it. She was perfectly fine but if I didn’t have enough problems being a 20 year old disabled veteran with an ankle problem now I acquired major spinal damage and nerve damage in my legs. With in a few months after that I lost almost everything. Lost my job, lost my apartment, even lost my girl because the money wasn’t rolling in anymore. Everything went to hell and I couldn’t deal with it like I used to. Some how I still picked myself up and returned to college, I was going to be a music teacher. After my second semester my back was hurting soo bad I would end up missing class because I could not get out of bed. The pain was soo bad I just didnt have the will to fight against it so I left school.
Spending the past few years trying to get help for my back has just been hell. Can’t work, almost no income. Somehow about a year ago even with all of that I found another woman to try and make happy. She was going to school to be a physical therapist, i thought to myself GREAT someone that can understand my pain and be here for me, someone I can make happy and love. Now 3 days ago after coming back from a few days camping with her family things went to shit even harder. I came home to find that my uncle borrowed my car and totaled it, awesome I’m stuck with a car loan and now no way to get around. All of the doc appointments I need to go to so I can hopefully get better and piece my life together I can’t get to anymore. I was just dumb struck because my car was my life line to everything I needed specifically my doctors and my girlfriend. When it rains it pours. About an hour after I found out about my car she left me. “Too hard to deal with me and my problems with school” which made me feel like I’m just not worth it. Fuck I have nothing now, almost no friends, useless family, no transportation to try and better myself and another woman that showed me that the only time that I’m worth a god damn is when I’m doing well. I just don’t have it in me to pick myself up again, I just have nothing but the fact that I’m alive to work with and the issue is… I don’t want to. I have no will to even hope that things will ever look up, that I’ll be out of the constant pain I’m in, that someone can love me because I’m me not what I can buy them. I just fucking give up. Why couldn’t I have died an honorable dead fighting for my country instead of wasting away like this until I want to follow my mother and just make it happen? I just hope someone has some advice or some bit of kindness to share before I give up on that too.
12 comments
Wow, thats an incredible story, I hate that you were treated so poorly by the Marines, I guess everbody has a story that we find hard to believe.
I’d take the uncle to court and have a judgement against him, he borrowed your car while you were out of town, (unless you told him he could use it) is unlawful use of a movable. He should be paying you something.
Well I wish I knew the right things to say, yet I drawing a blank.
It isn’t his fault, a lady hit my car in the back when he was stopped, she has no insurance. I appreciate that you took the time to read what I had to say. I’m just looking for a reason to try and start over again, I know others have it worse in their own way but I’ve lost the motivation to try
Wow, I must say that is terrible, especially by the Marines. Just bad thing after bad thing, it’s like life’s giving you false hope for you to cling on then just crushes it.
Your story hits a nerve in me for a reason even i can not determine right now. But i have the strongest feeling tht i need to comment on your story. i wish i had this great bit of advice to tell you that would inspire you to keep moving and you would never feel the way you do right now. the truth is i don’t. life sucks and it tries to bring down every damn person in this world who tries to get through relatively unscathed. but did you ever think it’s the people that do make it through without scars are the ones who are being delt the shitty hand? i think your life has set u up with the perfect scenario to say i give up but that is what is expected. if u r as far down as u can b there is no where for u to go but up. certain situations turn out bad so that when it comes around again you can make it good. as for the girl she’s wrong in her choice. NO ONE is worth nothing especially you. that person who knocked you down in every situation u have described figuratively or literally has had the same done to them at one point and they couldn’t deal. but u can. Be strong and focus on one thing to really work on at this point it should be your medical issues (try searching for doctors that offer transportation to their offices or even a program that u can sign up for there has to be something there always is i also suggest you look into organizing a law suit against your uncle. what he did IS illegal and u should not settle.) Once you start trying to fix one thing the list gets a little bit shorter and at this point thats all you can hope for. TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND because if u don’t even attempt to try when there is an opportunity then u can’t expect anything out of your current situation but more bad that will knock u down. i wish u the best of luck and hope at least one thing turns around for u!
I’m here for you if you want to talk about it some more. I feel really sorry for what you had to go through. The marines are terrible for what they did to you. Being able to pick yourself up again after so many trails is something a lot of people lack and I admire that in you. If you find it so hard to go to college then live in the dorms (if there are any at where you are). Go to physical therapy until your back heals and continue college then. But please don’t give up on your life. And another thing, screw what the marines say. You ARE a true soldier. The US should be proud of you. Hang in there buddy <3
Wow man all that is so rough, Thats so much to have to deal with not only the mental anguish but all those physical issues as well, and everytime you pick yourself up it seems like something comes along to knock you back down even harder. I don’t even know what to say man, it just shows how unfair life can really be.
Yeah, I tried putting some inspiring words but I just didn’t know what I could say..
Thank you all for taking the time to read what I had to say. I decided to call the VA hospital hotline for veterans. I have an appointment tomorrow to talk to a professional about things so I don’t do anything stupid. I can’t fix anything if I’m dead and I remember how bad it was for my dad after mom killed herself, I don’t know if I could do that to him. If you all want I can update this tomorrow and let you know how the appointment goes. I really appreciate your time and I hope I can get through this and not let you guys down..
Yes, please do. I’m glad to hear that you plan on doing this. Let us know how it goes.
Hi badluckornoluck, just to let you know I read the story too. Sometimes when things all fall apart we have to give ourselves time to heal, then start setting ourselves small goals which can eventually become bigger goals. I’m glad to hear that you’ve already arranged to see a professional.
You’ve had a horrible time but you sound like a decent guy. There is a life ahead of you where you work within your limitations toward fulfilling your potential, badluck. I hope you fel able to hang in there, ‘keeping it in the day’.
Maybe one day you can use these terrible experiences you’ve suffered to help others who face hard times, depression etc.
We care, badluck, and we’re here to listen. Zx
you are probabaly one of the strongest people i have met and i dont even know you i with all my body soul and mind thank you for serving my country, i myself am going into the army next year i have the highest respect possible for veterans and i am so angered that we cant take care of our own we they have taken care of us i dont know you but i will pray for you you deserve the best i would like to have an update too 😀 on how you are doing if you were able to keep fight there is no way in hell i cant you have given me hope you are selfless and young and the defenition of strength to the fullest extent
lots of love
I would like to join the army, only to be shot to death on the front lines.
Thank you for your courageous service, without people like you there would be no freedom… Well, there is no actual true freedom, but what we have is good enough to thank for.