I want to die, but I honestly don’t know why. I have an average life, I guess. My father left our family when I was just a baby, and I never got to know him. Since then, my mom has been through a long trail of boyfriends.
One of her first boyfriends did something horrible to me. I don’t remember exactly how old I was. I went to counseling when it happened, and now, at age 14, i’m in counseling again. When I was 11 or 12, I went through this big phase where I never wanted to go to school. I hated school, and I still do. But I simply forced myself through junior high, and i’ll do the same through high school. I’m not particularly looking forward to college, but my family would probably hate me if I didn’t go. People tell me all the time that I have potential, I just don’t use it. And so, i’ll go to college. I just don’t know what for. I want some kind of job in filmmaking. But I know i’ll have lots of competition and I don’t know if i’ll be able to make any money at it. And also, i’d have to get over my horrible case of laziness. I’m trying to. I just don’t know if i’ll be able to survive adulthood. I’ve looked on this website about depression, and it says that it’s normal to still not know what you’re after in life at the age 17, but i’m just 14 and my family says I need to worry about adulthood NOW. What am I supposed to believe? I know that I need some kind of idea of what I want to do. I like to draw, but my family thinks that makes me some sort of professional artist. I’m not! I’m not the best at what I do! And they think that I should have some kind of job in art, but i just don’t think so.
And I don’t have much of a social life either. I have a friend who I thought was my soulmate, I thought she was my BEST friend. But here lately, she’s just been annoying me. She likes to get up and do things, I’m happy with just a computer, TV, or ipad. She’s energetic, i’m not. So, i’m obsessed with anime and manga. But I won’t get into that. She finds that kind of stuff boring. My mom says that I could give up anime to be with a friend. But am I supposed to give up ALL of my interests just to have friends? I actually try to do that, but I can’t. There’s this other girl that i say is my friend, and people think she’s my best friend. But I don’t really consider her a friend to me. She expects me to agree with EVERY SINGLE THING she wants to do, and it’s always supposed to go her way or not at all. And she lies to me. She doesnt want me to have any other friends whatsoever, she doesnt want me to have any social connections. I have to hide my other friends from her, and there aren’t many other friends that i have. The first girl I mentioned, her name is Cici. My relationship with her is like sisters. And my lying friend has a little sister as well, and I accept her little sister. But she doesnt get that Cici is like a sister to me. She absolutely hates her. She sends her emails like, (H=me) ‘H hates you, she doesnt want to be your friend anymore.’ I don’t know why. How would she feel if I sent her friends mail like that?
I just feel lonely all the time. I desperately wish i had a sibling, someone there for me when everyone else is gone. I wish i had someone there to actually acknowledge me when everyone else is avoiding me. I hate being an only child. I just wish I could turn back time, and make my mom have more than one kid. People say I need to go outside more often, but what am I supposed to do outside? I don’t have anyone to play games with, nobody to do stuff with. Because I truly believe I don’t have any true friends.
I don’t know if I can put up with life for the rest of my life. And I’m just a teenager. I have a lot of time ahead of me, and I don’t look forward to my future. I just want to die.
4 comments
wo wo wo, calm down. no you do not have to think about careers and adult hood. no way.
do your art, for enjoyment and a way of expressing yourself. nothing else.
the future is fantasy, unknown, don’t spend your days and energy thinking and worrying about it. easier said than done, but try be in the moment.
You are 14, most 14 year olds have the condition called laziness :] that’s just fine.
As for friends, at 14 I also didn’t have meaningful relationships, but I had so called friends. It will come in time, and when you find a friend or two, a real friend, it’s gold. And rare.
Don’t listen to people. I mean, listen, with a pinch of salt ;] if you feel going outside would help, then go for a walk, take a sketch book and draw your surroundings, or a camera, and take pictures, one of the things I used to love doing, is to watch people. It’s more interesting then a film. It is good to get some fresh air and be outdoors.
Life is very hard at times, and can feel so unbearable. You are not alone in feeling this way.
You seem to be very articulate and self aware, I don’t think I was at your age. I was really quite stupid, and was always just escaping feelings and situations.
try just be, be in the moment. Stick around people who are worth your time – some of the people you mentioned don’t sound very nice, do your art, watch tv, maybe take up a new hobby – like swimming or something. Some healthy distractions are always good.
Is your counsellor helping you?
If you feel like medication might help relieve a bit of what you are feeling, can you go to a doctor and explain how you feel?
rooting for you
Thanks, that really helps me feel better. I do take a depressant, but it hasn’t been as effective lately. I’m no doctor, but I might need a larger dose to take each night. I started having thoughts of suicide about a year ago, and I told my mom about it. I still think about suicide, but nobody knows about it. I keep it to myself, because they would just ask me ‘why do you feel so depressed?’ and I wouldn’t have an answer to it. I would just say that I don’t know. But thanks again.
Talk to your doctor, answer ‘I don’t know’ if you don’t know. Maybe a higher dose, or different med can help you get by for now..
Good luck lonewolf
Thanks.