it’s hard to smile

I know the feelings well, just wishing for the end. I go to bed at night and wish I wouldn’t wake up. I have actually prayed for a life ending disease, yet it hasn’t arrived, years of doing this.

I woke up this morning and realized I have to face another day, I have the choice of taking my life yet it always seems to be to difficult to carry out. I am scared of death and scared of living. I scared I will fail any attempt and be worse off than I am now.

I owe a hospital a bill for the 20% from my last stay there, yet want so much to go back. The hospital is a safe place, yet what would I hope would be any different from going ? The fact is nothing will be any different, yes I may have some relief briefly from these feelings, yet as the discharge date would draw near I would return to the same feelings.

What I really want from them is for them to overdose me (wishful thinking), they have the right drugs to do it.

With so many people on this planet committing suicide everday and its been about the same average for may years it seems humans would have evolved to a point where there would be clinics just for those that really want to go.

I hate the thought of the methods I have available, any method is just scary.

I remember having surgery and the anesthieiologist asked me to count backwards from 10, I got half way through 9 and was out like a light. Came too and didn’t remember anything. I wonder if death is anything like that, it wouldn’t matter if it was because there was absolutely nothing. Thats how I would like to go, wishful thinking again theres no way to achieve a passing like that on my own, yet thats what I desire.

Theres a class of drugs that Dr.’s choose for themselves to committ suicide more than any other, and they are seldom prescribed for anything anymore to the public, they are still used in hospitals. Marilyn Monroe died from using them. Too many people were (accidentally, yeah right) overdosing and dying from them so they were replaced with benzoes. I think alot of people realized they were an easy way out and it could always be considered an accident.