Just keep saying I’m fine

I’ve kept so many journals. I’ve tried so hard to keep it together.

And my mind goes up and down, up and down, just like a roller coaster.

I’m fine, no I’m not.

It’ll get better, no it won’t.

And I think, how can I be so selfish. There are people out there, in hospitals. In third world countries. Dying to live. And here I am living to die.

And then I think, there are other people out there, successful people. Celebrities. Who seem like they just have everything in the world.

Knowing all of this doesn’t help though. I know that I’m better off then some people. Food on the table. A bed to sleep in.

But it doesn’t make me feel any better.

The mental pain I feel doesn’t ease up when I tell myself to suck it up and be grateful.

—

But I try so hard. And I can catch myself when my mask slips off a bit and reveals my true self.

Then I have to think about another way to cover that up.

Oh no, I said something that hinted that my life is far from perfect… how do I cover this one up? This has only happened a handful of times because I don’t want people to judge me. Being the introvert that I am, I just don’t like it when people give me that sad look or give me empty solutions.

Just a couple of weeks ago my college co-workers were trying to give me solutions about getting another job since my current one doesn’t cut the bills.

Things like “family can help” and “just keep trying” always come up.

Hah! That’s funny. But I guess, if you’ve never walked in my shoes you wouldn’t know. I don’t know if you’d be able to fit in my shoes anyway since they’re so small. But hey, that’s one thing I sort of got over. Being so tiny. It bummed me out before, a lot.

I can’t reach the pantry! I’m often confused with elementary students!

Not taken seriously!

But then I was like, alright what the hell. I’m tiny. Big deal. (or small deal, hah)
And then I embraced it. Tried to do things that I liked.

There’s always those eyes though. That follow me. And make me think, uhm okay so am I doing something wrong?

So what, yes I dress up like a little doll. And big deal, you think I’m lost and need my mommy when I’m on the train. Don’t look at me like that, okay?

I’m not a display at the museum. Please, keep your eyes from looking me up and down. And hey! Don’t laugh at me! They really are normal sized shoes! It just looks like they have a huge heel… what, is it so wrong that I want to be able to reach the pantry?

Oh, you judge me so much. Really, if you have something to say, say it already.

I really don’t understand you though. I mean really, is the way I look that important to you? I’m sure you don’t look any better, really, especially when you laugh at me like that. You must be jealous right? That I can pull off the porcelain doll look and you can’t? There goes my ice princess attitude again. Sorry, was that rude? Oh wait, no that was you being rude, wasn’t it?

I can accept myself in some ways. Self-improvement is what I’m best at.
Get beautiful looking skin like all the Korean idols! BB cream! Raw honey mask!

Improve, improve, improve!

Get skinnier! Don’t eat! But I’m kind of hungry… just wait another hour and see if you’re still hungry by then! And then it passes!

I’ve got it covered, I know what to do.

Self-improvement is so much fun.

—

But why is it that I lay down in bed, that thought keeps coming back.

What’s the point?

Really, what is the point.