My brain no longer functions properly

Been battling depression for 5 years.  It keeps getting worse.  I dropped out of college.  My brain refuses to hold any information or be educated anymore.  I would rather die than ever go back.  I never had a job and really cannot picture myself doing a job at all.  I fail at everything I try, odds are I’d mess it up somehow.  My social disorders cause me to not make friends, or have a hard time keeping them.  I no longer wish to talk to anybody.  Any group of people I’ve tried to be accepted into, even those who normally accept people, have rejected me and hurt me worse than anybody ever could.

Due to being hurt so much, my brain no longer functions properly.  I’ve actually gotten various mental disorders.  I constantly think of death and killing people.  I have the desire to kill 5-10 people before I die.  I realize how messed-up I am, but nobody will listen.  There’s really nothing that can be done.  I want to kill myself because I want to prove that it’s not a selfish act.  If I did kill myself, I’d be saving 5-10 lives.  It’s either one useless person goes (me), or a group of loved people do.  Not a hard decision to make.  I just don’t have the bravery or guts to do anything except sit in my room, maybe self harm a little bit (I don’t like too much blood though), and just sulk over what my pathetic excuse of a life has become.

I never, ever would have pictured my life becoming like this.  I wouldn’t wish this onto anybody.  It seems like there’s no way out.  I guess it was good while it lasted.  I have no idea what my future holds, but I know it won’t be good.