Hi everyone.
First of, I want to share a little about myself, so that you have a little insight about who I am. I’m a 21 year old guy. No health problems. Great supporting family that has always been there for me. General good looking, tall, slim and dark hair and eyes. Have a job making decent cash. Live for myself, have my own car, doing rather good hence to the general things in life.
But, even in a seemingly good and fine life as mine, even I have my problems. I have very few friends, I can count them on one hand, and even if some of them understands, I really don’t feel like I can lay it all out there to them. They might be understanding and try to support, but I need someone with more experience, to say it like that. Someone who might actually know what I’m on about, and maybe shed some new light upon things. So this is my story:
All the way back to the first day of school, the very first, I’ve been bullied due to my name. And it stuck with me for many, many years. That was how it all started, with my name, but the bullying of me sort of became something “normal” for everyone, even for those not even knowing me or ever have had anything with me to do with. I became known for it and “famous” for it. So it was normal for more or less everyone to bully me. That of course made it hard for me to try to make any friends, due to my famous status.
I feel like pointing out that I suspect that most here might thing about school like the American system of education (with high school, college and such things) But where I live we have a completely different education system. As a child here you start in 1 class at the age of 5-6 years old. And you stay at one form for school education until 7 class. And from 8 class until 10’th class another one. Might be something like high school that. And then we have education specifically for the direction you want to go which can last for as short as 2 years, up to 8 and even more depending on what direction you want to go.
Anyhow, so during the first 8 years of school I was more or less a loner all the time. I was able to hang around other kids during free time, play football or whatever. But none of them ever really wanted to specifically hang out with me. So it eased my pain somewhat, but didn’t help in the long shot. But yeah, during the 8’th class I managed to get attached to a group of people to hang out with and play with, and not only during school too. During the days also, witch was nice. But during the years, up until 10’th class, I felt more and more and understood that they wasn’t really any good friends with me. More like they felt pity for me, but not like they supported me if someone was giving me a hard time. They sometimes would not do anything, might even support them as well from time to time, and on some occasions, they would be the ones to start giving me a hard time.
I soon lost contact with most of them when we were finish with that school and was moving on onto schools for more direct directions for what we wanted to be in life.
And I at first believed that a new school, other people, with an higher age, would give me an fresh start. A possibility for were something good could happen me. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. This school was still in the same city as where I live. (It’s a small city, everybody knows everyone) So of course, me being the famous person I was/am, they knew who I was. So right away, people I’ve never heard of or seen before, starts bullying me and hating me. For no reason at all. During all these years of school and in general, I’ve never done anything to anyone. Never upset someone, never hurt any of them, never done anything wrong against them. And still, without any reason that can be supported by any actual fact or truth, they start bullying me and hating me. And that’s how my life was each day for 11 years. Close to 0 friends, people disliking me for no reason, and a family that didn’t understand the sheer size of the situation.
People have tried during the years to talk to parents, talk to the ones bullying me, the principal at the schools, everything. But nothing helped. Not even slightly. So things just kind of kept on the way they did. As “normal” For my 2’nd year of directional education I had to move away to be able to go to the school. And I thought again, that “yes, this time thing’s will be different, I’m far from home now, here nobody definitely doesn’t know me and thing’s will be better now.” Well I had semi right in that. Wasn’t a soul there who knew me. But it didn’t take many days at the new school before someone started to hate me and disliking me. At that point I really got depressed by it all. Because now the same shit had been going on since 1 class, and all the way upon here, now, 12 years later. Not because of my name thou. Not at this new school. So it got me wondering, what the hell is wrong with me? What kind of signals is it that I’m giving people around me that make them dislike me so much that they start hating me before I’ve even said a word to them?
I’ve always been a little special. Always worn black clothes, kept for myself, since I’ve had such bad experience with people around me. Not that I have any problems trusting others, but I prefer my own company better than with others. So it became normal for me to just keep for myself since I preferred it more and it was more pleasant.
Luckily at this new school, they took thing’s real seriously and took the ones bullying me in for a talk. And thing’s improved after that. Well, at least they didn’t bully me much more, for while. Didn’t make much more friends with anyone for that matter, but at least my daily life got on a little bit easier. But the same question stood. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of “arora” am I emitting to my surroundings to make me able to achieve enemies without even doing anything to them at all?!
It’s not like I’m some virgin freak who’s never had a girlfriend even. I’ve been in several relationships. The last one lasting for almost 3 years. And none have ended due to me being some kind of freak who doesn’t function in the daily life in the society. So it is actually possible to live with me on a daily basis.
As far as I see it, people see me as mysterious and become afraid of me in some sort of way, and chose to push me away instead of trying to get to know me and find out what’s what with me.
For those who do know me, and sees me for who I am, they find that I have a heart bigger than any other they have ever known. Many have named me as the kindest person they know about. And it suits me quite well. I’ve always strived to help whoever I can if needed. Which has lead me to have some of the friends I have today, because I helped them when they was at the bottom, ready to commit suicide. But along came I, and I saved them. Dragged them up again from the deep and showed them the light in the end of the tunnel.
And the reason to as why I have managed that is because of how I am. My brain isn’t like everyone else’s. No, I’m not brain damaged or some freak. But it’s connected different, making my cognition much brighter than the normal guy you meet on the street. I see and understand thing’s most people don’t, and maybe never will be able to see and/or understand.
And this of course have put me more off in the social life.
I have for a long time, long before I ever knew about my enhanced cognition, felt that I don’t belong in this world. Like there is no one here that I can relate to. No one, except one. My brother. He has Asperger syndrome, which means that he also have a more enhanced cognition. But besides from him, the everyday people surrounding me, I watch them and feel that they live in another world than me. It’s frustration living with a brain like mine and know that I’m seeing so much around me which no one else around me sees. And to try and make people understand me, what I see, what I understand, now that’s a challenge.
And due to the way I am, I rarely go out to drink. I don’t smoke or use/do any other such kind of thing’s. I’m living a save and sound life in other words. It just simply isn’t me. I can’t find myself going all nuts and party hard, drinking for a whole weekend or such thing’s. But it kind of eliminates me from having any form of social life. Since this is a small place as well there ain’t really much to do in this god forsaken place either. So most days gets spent inside, wondering what to do with my life, how to improve it. I can take a trip out on the city and have a few drinks and just enjoy myself, no problem. But even just the fact to try and talk to someone is more or less hopeless for me. Small talk, chit chat and such isn’t my thing. And I’m usually too shy to even get to small talk in the first place, so that doesn’t improve the situation any better either.
Even thou I enjoy being on my own, enjoying my own company, I of course would love to have someone to spend some time with. To hang out with. Just someone to be with. Loneliness can be a dangerous friend to have to close to you. But I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know how to make friends. Especially any friend that would suit me. It’s hopeless for me to try and make any new friends around here in this small place. I can’t think of anyone I’ve seen and observed to be even slightly smart between their ears. I need someone on the same level as me, but they don’t come in great numbers. They are kind of rare. At least to my findings.
I’d be surprised even if someone is still reading any of this. Didn’t think it would become this much, but, I suppose I’ve more or less covered my whole life here. Soon at least.
Of course, there is more to me, a lot more.
I’ve been to the point of hurting myself in different ways. Thoughts about suicide. Wanting desperately to commit suicide. Just make it all go away, disappear. And I’ve been close a couple of times. But as I’m able to get it all over with, something stops me from doing it. I’m just not able to “take the last step” needed. I just can’t find myself doing it. No matter what. And I can’t figure out why. Except the thought of that there is something bigger waiting for me in this life. Because I believe in destiny. That everything happens for a reason. So for me not being able to take my own life means to me that it’s not the way it suppose to be. This is not how it’s suppose to end. There is still something left in this life that I have to do. Destiny can be frustration sometimes. But everything has it reason.
But still. What it all comes down to at the end for me is still the fact that I don’t feel that I belong here. On this world, in this society, in this life. I’m able to help a lot of people, yes. Giving them a new hope for their life. But I don’t see it as the reason to as why I should keep on living my life. It’s not like I’m suicidal here today. But I sure don’t feel at home in this world. If I die tomorrow because of some natural cause or because of something that I’m not able to control, like getting run over or something, then that’s fine by me. At least then people would not have to remember my death as a suicide. Because I know that some people would miss me, and wish I hadn’t done it and all that. But I’m still lonely. I still don’t really have anyone there for me. I’m still sitting here, inside, day in, day out. So maybe in the long term, yes, people would notice that I’m not among them anymore. But on the general front, they wouldn’t even notice. They would only feel the sorrow and miss me because they would have known. If I were to die here now it would take a few days, weeks even, before anyone would have started to wonder.
I don’t know.. Maybe I’m just some fool who’s misplaced in the society and not able to make friends and wounds up sitting here and feeling sorry for myself… Â Either way, I just feel so out of place.
12 comments
Everyone is out of place at first but you still have years to change and live something new find ppl who will make it seem like all those things didnt happen and went throught the same thing you can still find a place where YOU belong where you dont feel misplaced im still young but ive been through a LOT of crap you can talk to me if you want 🙂 caitlinfedelis@yahoo.com
Don’t Give up the easily. I would be your friend you seem like a nice guy. I’m sure the whole world would be looking for you the first day if you something happened to you. You don’t know how much people love and would miss you.
thas awfol man………
well sounds like your’e depressed because you don’t understand why people start hateing on you. well why would you want them to like you anyways they either like you or they don’t . your’e just giving them more power by letting them know that you feel bad because of it. it shouldn’t matter if they like you or not anyways even because they are merely people who don’t even matter. are you gonna spend the rest of your life with them or intending on it? i dont think so . so point is stop over wanting a sense of being wanted. i say you switch your life into being a hipster , a kind of person who doesn’t care about what people think and stuff. you said it yourself anyways that youve always been fond of being by yourself rather than with company. so what is the real problem here?
Hi Nonamenoshame. I did read your long post. I wondered if you yourself had Asperger’s, but it seems not, though you can relate well to your brother who does. I don’t know if your job involves helping people at all, or giving emotional support (I’m guessing not, since it pays well!) but would that maybe be a line to pursue since you’re good at it? Or you could volunteer for the Samaritans or similar suicide helpline.
I do totally ‘get’ the loneliness that you feel, even while enjoying your own company. Being bullied throughout your school life for unknown reasons would not have helped you feel at ease around people that’s for sure.
Have you been in therapy and do you think that would help? It seems to me you may need to talk through the bullying issues you’ve had in your life, and understand how that is affecting the choices you make today (for instance, the difficulties you’re having letting people close).
At least al of this has made you aware of one thing. You think differently from most other people and notice things that they don’t. How can you best turn this into an advantage? How can you best capitalise on these special abilities that you have/
Being ‘different’ always makes us a potential target for bullying Noname. People feel unsettled by anyone who stands out, and often attack them for it. Not nice, but that’s human nature for you. There may also be jealousy at work, since you’re tall, goodlooking and have abilities that they don’t.
Please don’t let these bullies win Noname. Maybe you could actually use your experience of bullying to help others who are in the same boat? If not right now, then at some time in the future? It’s all about looking at your disadvantages and seeing how you can turn them into advantages…
In any case, for what it’s worth, we’re here to listen Noname. All the very best to you, Zoe x
Hi louise50/Zoe x.
Thank you for your reply.
Regarding the Asperger’s syndrome I don’t have it confirmed that I have it, unlike my brother who have had it proven that he has it. But since it is a 50/50% chance that I might actually have it as well, and taking into account how I am as a person, I’d say that I definitely have some strong connections towards the Asperger syndrome. But in a more mild way. I don’t have any problems spending time with larger groups of people over longer time. I don’t get nervous or start to freak out or anything like that. So it’s not that I have problems with spending time with people. And as long as there is a subject to talk about there isn’t any problem for me to keep a long conversation with someone. It’s just that the normal small talk doesn’t interest me at all. Start discussing world problems or any other big related topic and we’re off! But if you want to talk about the weather and such thing’s I’d say be gone. It just doesn’t interest me at all. I have a to great mind to be bothered about such thing’s to delve on.
And no, my job does not involve helping others. At least not in these matters of ways. I’m working as a heavy machinery operator. And for a good reason. I’m “allergic” to be having any kind of job where I spend most time sitting and doing some sort of paper work or something like that. I need to be active in my job, use my body, my hands. So I found being a heavy machinery operator was the best education to suit my needs. You might see before you that I for that reason do just that, spend most time on my ass in a machine, sitting there and operating it. And sometimes, it might be just that. But there is a lot more to it than just that!
I have considered an education within helping other people in some sort of way. But I don’t know, it’s like I don’t want to do that for a living. I feel that helping other’s when needed is a basic thing to do. I’ll do it whenever it’s needed, to whoever might need it. It’s not something I want to sit and get paid to do. The warmth and the good feeling you get for helping someone is more than enough for me. That’s my reward.
I more or less consider myself to be a little Psychologist. So for me going to one to talk about thing’s sure would have been interesting, but I don’t feel that either one of us would get anything out of it. I’d be a waste of both our time. So no, I don’t think it would help. Me with my mind I would have questioned the poor fellow too much and debated with him on things, making his job suddenly 10 times more complicated and difficult, hehe. So I’m just going to leave it safe and sound, rather that than make the poor fellow wound up resigning his job. And I’m being serious here, I could really see before me that that would happen. And no, it’s not something I would have done to be a jerk or just to simply be a hard one to get at. But it’s just the way I am. Can’t help that.
And I already do know how this has affected the choices I’ve made so far, and the choices I will make in the future.
But I feel that you have misunderstood me a little at some point. Because it’s not that I have problem letting people close to me. Quite the opposite actually. I’m more than willing to open up to people and let them in. I believe that’s mainly because I don’t have many around me, and long for someone to be there for me. But it’s not like I’m shedding my heart to whomever comes along my path. It depends on the person. You have to watch them a little from a distance, see what kind of person they are, what good they will do me in life, if they’re even worth my time. If possible, of course. If someone suddenly comes crashing down where I’m sitting and starts talking with me it’s not like I’m going to ask he or she to move away and leave me alone because I can’t talk to them just yet. So no, it’s not that I have problem being with or around others, I might just kind of keep myself at a distance on my own. Since certain people obviously gets affected being around me in a bad way. So yeah, I suppose I tend to keep myself at an distance from people.
Well, my advantage is the sheer human being that I am. The fact that I have a different view upon life than most people. The choices that I make in my life.
Ah, yes, that’s very true. We humans tend to be afraid of something that’s different. Something that they don’t understand or is able to get a hold on. Some just gets more interested and wants to find out more, but most people tend to turn the other cheek to you and look down at you. It’s a strange behavior, for me at least, but it’s simply a defense strategy that most people perform without it even being aware of it, since it comes naturally for them. But still strange for me, since I tend to look upon thing’s with a more curious eye and wonder what else he/she/it has to it. But of course, no one is alike, and I suppose that’s a good thing when it all comes to it. But still, there is a lot that’s wrong in the human nature in these days.
Urgh, ok, see what you’ve done now? Now I’m debating thing’s here and delving upon things here. Hehe, this is typical me. Always going into the depths of things.
No by all means, they haven’t won anything, and never will.
Well yes, that is what I’ve been doing so far, and what I will be doing for still quite some time.
And of course, it’s not like I’m sitting here just feeling sorry for myself because I’ve had a rough time during my childhood. I’ve learnt so much from all of it, and not going to waste that knowledge by hating it. I can change the past, so I in matter of fact love it. I’m glad that I have it. It gives me a view upon things that others on the outside would never truly understand in the same way as me. So I’m doing the best out of it. I mean, of course I am. I would be a fool not to. It would be a waste of an gift if so.
I would never had traded my mind and the being that I am in with someone else, just to belong. Just to have friends around me. I love myself to much to ever be able to do that. I just wish other’s would love me a little bit more as well for who I am.
So as far as my concerns, that’s just about the only thing that I’m unhappy with. The fact that I don’t anyone around me to go to. Yes, I like being by myself in my own company, but I’m still human. I still need to mingle amongst others. But that’s just it, I don’t have anyone close to me. I can’t just take a trip out and hang out with someone, because that someone isn’t there. It’s just me.
Thank you Zoe x. Sometimes listening can be all it takes. All that’s needed. That there is someone else to question things with you, about you, rather than yourself.
And yet again it’s like I’ve started on a book here… The worst thing is that I don’t do it on purpose even. It just pops out. Keeps on coming. I bet I sure could have written a hell of a long book if I bothered taking my time to it, but it would end up longer than the bible, so not any time soon, that’s for sure…
Thanks for listening anyway 🙂
Hi Caitlinsos.
Yeah I long and strive after a place where I can feel at home. Among others where I can belong. But due to the whole situation I have with my head and advanced cognition than other people, finding that spot where I could be at home just seem so far out of reach for someone like me. Nothings impossible, by all means, but still, there’s a long way there I’m afraid.
I’m beginning to see what you mean about your advanced cognition, Noname. You seem to have already thought about the things I’ve suggested! You’re a very deep and wide-ranging thinker. This is obviously helping you enormously (in some ways) to keep yourself balanced in life, and I also somehow ‘get’ what you’re saying about, you would run rings around the psychologist and leave him wanting to resign his job!!
It’s the sense of apartness that is, I suppose, the more negative side to the abilities that you have…and I can see that as you say, you are gifted. The difficulty being accepted and understood by people. The way most people come across so superficial that you probably wouldn’t want to get to know them…then again with your people-reading abilities, you might notice things that others don’t. You can see qualities in an individual that others wouldn’t, conventional beings that we tend to be.
So you’re lonely and when you look around for someone to share with, they’re just not there. You don’t sound suicidal, though I might have missed something. Maybe the loneliness tips your thoughts that way sometimes. But you sound positive, motivated, aware of your worth, you ‘love’ yourself (that’s a great ability to have and one which many of us on this site struggle with), you’re looking forward, you have great awareness of where you are in life, and are able to use your ‘bad’ experiences to grow as a person.
How someone like you winds up operating heavy machinery is a slightly surreal outcome, but i hear what you’re saying about not wanting to push papers around a desk, and needing to work manually and so on. It’s just that you seem too intellectual for that kind of work.
The impression I get of you is that you’re quite psychologically astute and that you have a lot of insight into yourself and potentially others as well. This should make you a very rewarding person to be around. I wonder if people find your manner superficially off putting, or whether you seem stand-offish, and that annoys them. As you say, if would be great if more people would stick around you a bit longer and get to know the real you. It’s good though that you don’t feel ill at ease with people. So many on here have social anxiety to some degree, myself included.
Talking of writing a book…I wonder if that might ever be an ambition of yours? I only say that because it is probably my number one ambition, but you sound like you’ve got other stuff claiming your time at the moment, and maybe your first ambition needs to be finding friends who value what you can give. The internet might be a possible means to meet people of course.
Well thanks you for sharing your interesting personality here Nonamenoshame. I can’t help feeling curious as to what could have been the name that caused people to bully you at school! Do you know the Johnny Cash song ‘The boy named Sue’? But I know you’re not going to tell me, and that’s just fine!
Before I start writing a book myself I will just say, all the very best to you and I hope you continue posting.
Zoe x
nonamenoshame,
it seems you’re a deep thinker and aren’t a slave to your ego (what can I gain from doing this ?) .. because of that, I’m afraid you’ll struggle with the feeling of alienation until you’re six feet under
as you’ve noticed, the problem with modern society is it goes out of its way to convince you that if you haven’t achieved certain things by a certain age, if you have no interest in appearing normal, if you stand out instead of trying to fit in then you really don’t belong on this planet
“do this, think that, buy this etc or you’ll suffer the feeling of being out of place”
but: whether you’ll give society the power to define you as a misfit or not is your choice
Aye, that I have, and probably a lot more than what you or others would have come to think about. Hence the reason to seek help from a psychologist would be to little use for me.
Oh yes indeed, it not for my mind I would probably have committed suicide a long time ago I fear. Or at the contrary, I sure wouldn’t be where, or who, I am today. So my mind is my blessing, but also my cruse. It’s a gift, but not a gift at the same time. It has its advantages, obviously. But also its disadvantages. There’s always 2 sides of a coin.
Yes, exactly. Most people I see around me tend to be so short minded and foolish that they would just suck a lot of energy from me than any good they would do me in the long shot.
And even if I see that that person there really does have a wonderful personality underneath it all, that I would love to know better, they will usually not see it them self and are to occupied by being part of some mainstream that doesn’t belong together with me.
So even if I can sense the kindest person on the world they are likely to never show it to me, because they don’t let it out there. They might not even know it’s there.
The way you write thing’s and speak of thing I can sense that you’re a woman up in her age. I can tell that you’re grownup. You have a few years behind you with experience. You see and understand things witch others on my same age can only dream of and still have to live 10+ years to be able to finally see.
I’ve always sought to older people, grownups who is at least of 30+ age. They are all past the childish state and have a more developed mind and is actually able to understand things. Never felt at home around my same age group. They are all so little intellectual and… well, dumb.
I suppose I’m not really suicidal. I have been. But not anymore. There is something stopping me from going trou with it. As I said, if I am to die today, then fine. I wouldn’t be bothered about it. But it’s not going to happen by my hand. It’s not up to me. But yes, I think we definitely can say that my thoughts sometimes can get a little too heavy, and too many at the same time, to make me wish I could just die and make it all disappear.
I must say I feel that you have “found” me quite well. Seems you get the idea of me as an being. Not often I get to say that about some, heh. Well, we are barely scratching the surface here, but still, more than most people ever get to do. Or even tries to do.
Heh, yes, my job for a living. I agree with what you say. I do feel that I’m too intellectual for this job, and do want to be of more use of me. Be a part of something more important. Something bigger. More meaningful. But I comfort myself by thinking like so, that the really big things that we are able to achieve in this life was only possible due to the construction of the first bricks to make the foundation to it all to be possible. If not for people being able to operate heavy machinery and such thing’s, things around the world would be next to impossible to achieve. So even if I’m not right at the top where all the action is happening, I at least know that I’m a part of what made it possible in the first place.
And, my job includes so much more than just operating a machine. You spend a lot of time in the ditch, working with power cables, drainage, plumbing, you name it. So during one day at work I might operate a machine, I’m in the ditch being a plumber, an electrician, plugging cables for TV, phone, internet, etc etc. And in my company we do work with asphalt as well. So yeah, a lot of different things in under the same occupation. And I love it. I never does the same thing day in day out all year around. There is always something new. And ALWAYS something going wrong, breaking, getting fucked up, something, somehow, always. Which mean I get good use of my mind on a daily basis. How to fix that with limited things and tools. How to manage, how to get things working. I’m like a Macgyver! Give me a challenge with limited items to use and you’ll be dammed I’ll bloody fix it, no problem! That’s what I love the most about my job and what I do. I get to be so creative from time to time, solve things in the most peculiar ways, but it works! And I love it. So that’s why my career ended up being a heavy machinery operator. Because I can’t think of any other job where I’m able to achieve the same things from on a daily basis. Even thou I would love to be part of something more important. But this is where I feel I belong. This is what I’m able to be the best at and make the most out of me. As far as I know at least.
Can’t say that I have any burning desire to ever write a book, no. Never even been a big reader even, so books ain’t in my category from before. I don’t mind reading, I can read comics and such just fine for hours. But a general book, to read one, it just… Blerk, no.. Not appealing to my senses at all. I have read some during my life, obviously, and have found myself catched by some books. Like when you’re reading and don’t feel like putting it down, just one more chapter, than kind of feeling. But still, books just doesn’t tingle my senses enough or something. I’ve got other thing’s to keep my mind occupied on if I’m bored.
Yes, by all means, the internet might hold my biggest key to finding someone more like me, who I can relate too and feel at the same level as. But it’s just the sheer fact of finding someone like that close to me, whom I might actually be able to spend time with. To go out with and do stuff with. That’s what I really want, and need. So even thou if I was to find a sea of people like me to feel at home with, it still wouldn’t really help me.
No, thank you for bothering to take your time to read it all and care. Means a lot.
And Timmi is my name by the way. And they would bully me because of it due to Pinocchio and the other character there named…. Timmy grasshopper. Hence the bullying of my name. So there you have it.
Thank you again Zoe x. All the best to you as well.
Wow Timmi! Have only just read your NEW long post (I’m detecting a pattern here). I’m just on my way out here but will try to get back to you a bit later…I’d like to reply to some of your points. Zx
To NonameNoshame: I read your initial post and most the comments you wrote, and…I’d really like to talk with you. Oh…umm…what exactly do mean by “enhanced cognition”? Because I definitely have Asperger’s Syndrome and, well…I just don’t feel enhanced at all… 🙁
Also, while you probably didn’t mean for it to, the “virgin freak” comment…actually really hurt 🙁