My way on how to move on…

It may be sad, but its my only way…

They told me to move on. It took me awhile… but I finally put the puzzle together. It was so frustrating… I was so clueless. I tried so hard to fight through it all. I tried to save friendships. I tried. But I really got tired. I didn’t want to surrender. I thought there would be at least a little faith, a little hope a little miracle… a little light. I thought we were best friends… I thought… we were still… at least… friends. But instead, I embarrassed myself again. I lost control on who I was. This was why I turned into a bitter, isolated person in the first place. Now that the puzzle has been put together… I really understand now. I was the fool at the end. Even though I hurt person in the first place. But now, hard to say that I don’t regret what I did it. When I came back, thought I actually had one good friend here. but I was wrong. Yes I know have forgiven myself and everyone’s mistakes. But it was so difficult to let this one go. For once, I was right. Never Trust anyone. Never care. And Never put faith on Love. Mostly here. Deadwood is what I call this place now. Nothing but dead memories; Lies. It has always been full of lies. Fairy Tales never meant for me. Yes there are proof, but proof and memories are nothing… At least to me. Yea maybe there were before, but now. Nope. People made me into this. This is the second time this has happened to me. This was why I never trusted anyone in the first place. This is why I never opened up to ANYONE. So many doubts… they all say they were different. But nope. They will always be the same. I will never apologize to anyone anymore.

Well anyways done with explaining myself. This is how I move on.

First of all

Forgive your own mistakes and Forgive everyones mistakes

Take a week or month off from social activities, hang out with family again. Just do something by yourself without friends near you. Ignore the world and just write everything down, break down, cry, scream, shout, punch a wall. Just at the end forgive yourself.

Now after you forgive

Forget everything, I know they may hurt but just forget everything by distracting yourself with other things. Stop worrying about everyone else, and just enjoy life by yourself and/or with family. Write a story, read a long book, sleep, if you ever remember, tell yourself you DO NOT CARE about it. Smile; fake smiles works as well. Think about something that used to make you happy when you were a child. Mine were stargazing with my father, going out to the beach with family; watching the waves, cloud watching and hiking with my father.

If haven’t done so, and you still have gifts or stuff, reminding yourself of someone you used to know and you trusted them with your life, return everything or if you don’t contact with them anymore, burn everything, sell everything, throw away everything that was from them. To me, since I know other people still contact with them, I’ll give them the stuff and return it back to them through them.

If you see person actually now stranger outside near you, on your path, just ignore them. If they say hi first, don’t panic, say hi back but be on your guard. If not, just copy what they do and ignore them back. Just pretend you guys are strangers, It may be difficult at first, all your old feelings and memories come back… here’s the thing don’t get too excited. **Remember** It never happened.

It may be a long time to heal but it also depends on how long you knew that person. How much you trusted, cared about and loved that person.

And now, putting the puzzle together.

For me, it took about a year and a month. I was way too excited to move back to my hometown. Thought I still had friends. Been wanting to come back to my “second family” aka “friends.”  I thought I actually had at least one true friend who was different. but nope. not here at least. People change for the good and for the bad. Person that I cared, trusted and loved the most, changed a lot. I barely recognized that person. But I really do understand and get it now. I finally let go. and started to put the puzzle together yesterday night. After reread messages, I realized that for awhile now, it was just like what had happened 7 years ago. But that time, no reason, but this time there is a reason. Since I was far away. There wasn’t a problem.  but now that I came back. It would have been a huge problem to hang out again. It would have been weird. Difficult. I don’t know its hard to explain. Like everyone agrees to, Ex’s should never be friends. Ever. If your bff with your ex like I am with a few, then that’s good. Treat them as a big brother or a big sister. Then treat them as real friends. Don’t whine, vent too much.

It may be heart breakening, but at the end, when you’re not friends with an ex, Forgetting is all that you could do to stop the pain. Move forward.