R.I.P. Ryan Diaz

I’m not sure what to say..
Everything feels like a really bad nightmare..
I just want to forget..
Pretend like this never happened..
My friend didn’t kill himself..
I want him to come back..
My friend Ryan Diaz shot himself yesterday.. needless to say.. he’s dead.. I still feel like its a bad dream.. and he’s gonna be back at school, smiling at everyone, and saying “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” They announced his suicide today at school.. I don’t understand how anyone there was functioning.. I don’t understand how anyone could move.. I kept crying.. I couldn’t stop.. they had a room open for anyone who needed to stay. We stayed all day, in a room full of 40+ people.. crying all day.. trying to comfort eachother.. especially the girl that had just gotten out of a relationship with him.. no one could believe he shot himself.. I still can’t.. I feel like its all my fault.. I had a perfect suicide all planned out for Sunday.. I hadn’t even told anyone.. I gave hints to one person.. but he didn’t understand.. and I had promised him that I would do nothing, but only if something big happened to change my mind.. well.. Ryans suicide was just that.. I can’t believe the pain everyone in there was going through.. plus all of his family! I saw it with my own eyes.. what ill be doing to them all.. I don’t think I can go through with it now.. its all my fault this happened.. someone had to DIE just for ME to LIVE! It’s not just coincidence.. there’s no such thing.. I hate myself.. I killed him!!! god.. Ryan looked so happy.. I swear to god, I’ve never seen him without a smile!! God.. Ryan.. I’m so sorry, Ryan!!!