Rant

I have always wondered what exactly it was about my life that made me so depressed. I can never pinpoint what is so terrible that i want to erase myself from human-kinds memory.

I am currently studying at University and alot of things have fallen into place for me. They still don’t explain everything but the information i am learning has highlighted some very important things.

My mother has an anxiety disorder, looking back on my life, childhood was harder than it seemed at the time.
My brother also has a learning difficulty so although i am the ‘baby’ of the family, i have always had to look after him, and in turn feel like his older sibling.

These two features in my life have made living at home harder and harder.  I talk to my dad but it has never worried me that we didn’t get along and that he wasn’t in my life. I got used to his absence.

I have another older brother, he is 11 years older than me and pretty much brought me up with my mum. He was more of a dad than anyone.
I find it interesting that my family acknowledges my older brother had a hard up bringing and had to grow up fast, having so much responsibility but when i deem to have had to grow up faster. They all laugh. I wonder why he gets the recognition and i do not. I wonder why i care so much in the first place? Ha.  It’s a silly thing to get annoyed over but i feel as though my older brother gets leverage to say anything he wants, and no one is allowed to defy him.

This angers me the most. Why does he get to have superiority over me, mum and my other brother?
I’m not a child/teenager anymore, so why does he think he can push me around? I don’t let him of course but the disobedience seems to anger him more.

I guess from an early age i have had to independently do things for myself. From the start i have been alone. Which doesn’t bother me, but why does no one recognise this? I find it so odd. And in a way heart breaking to think i am feeling this way and no one can understand why, no one cares why and critisises  me instead.

This is a total rant, but i hope someone reads through my drivel.
If anyone gets this far, i hope you understand where i am coming from. Thanks for reading 🙂