I’ve been hospitalized, drugged, expelled, and fired. I’ve been manic, psychotic, depressed, and angry. This was all in the past…I’ve been stable for well over a year now. And yet I think about dying everyday, so much that it doesn’t bother me anymore. The things that happened two years ago are still haunting me. It is not like post-traumatic stress disorder. It is nothing mental. It’s the situation that I’m in as a result of what has happened. No job, not in school, not much of anything going for me.
It isn’t that I’m depressed; I’ve been there, and this isn’t it. I have a very understanding and well-to-do family and a comfortable (if dull) home life. I do things that I enjoy: I play in a band, I volunteer, I paint, I try to do good deeds (today I corralled a stray chicken: I live in a big city–go figure), I get to see my friends when they’re around, I wrote an editorial for the newspaper that got published, I go to concerts, I’ve worked on political campaigns…
Still, there’s no ‘there’ there. I absolutely hate mooching off of my parents, though they insist. I’ve talked to them about it, but they are understandably worried about my well-being. I am not materialistic, but I suppose I need some money. That being said, I am not going to take the first crappy job that would hire me (learned my lesson the first time). I just don’t want it that badly. I know that apathy is supposed to be a symptom of depression, but it doesn’t feel like apathy. More like equanimity. I’m starting to get stir-crazy living at home. I want to have my own life, but that seems a little bit more impossible every day.
And that’s where I’m at.
1 comment
i understand how you feel. i’m glad that you have a supportive family and friends that you see once in a while. you seem like a well rounded determined person with a great heart. i really don’t have this wonderful advice for you but i can tell you this you may not have a “there” but who says you can’t find one. maybe you aren’t meant to be in school and you haven’t found the job that fate wishes you would have. it really isn’t the end it’s just that little space in between those moments in life. things will get better for right now don’t feel bad about mooching off you’re parents because really you aren’t. it’s not like you aren’t looking for a job and it isn’t like you’ve never tried to leave. parents feel the best when they are still allowed to take care of their kids. thats what they did when you were younger and nothing has changed. i’m sure they love you just as much and they want the best for you. So just let them know you are thankful. keep looking and you will soon c once one aspect of your life fits in place other parts will start to as well. I wish you the best and hope you find your “there” because once u find it it is pretty great.