what do i do?

Most of my emails to you have been short. Not like the last time you tried to kill yourself. I just feel so powerless. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to change your mind so I just curl into a ball and try not to think too hard about you. But you know what hurt the most? More than anything that’s happened these past few days? You tried to drown yourself… You tried to kill yourself again and YOU DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME! l would wake up day after day checking my emails constantly waiting, hoping to hear from you… But that day would never have came because if you had succeeded, you would have been dead and I would never have known.

I’m scared. Everyday I constantly worry about you. I’m not use to this. I don’t know how to handle this kind of responsibility of trying to save a life. I’ve done it so many times but I’ve never had a friend as close as you are trying to die.

And I started crying again as I wrote this to you. It didn’t help that the song payphone by maroon 5 came on as well. That makes me think of my first girlfriend. But that’s not why I was crying. I was crying because of you. Because you’re my best friend. And because if I lost you, I’d be left with no one. No one talks to me anymore. Not my dad, not Dakota, Annie hardly, my girlfriend; never (why worry her with my stupid problems. I dont tell her anything anymore) but I can always go to you if I’m feeling low. You understand. Maybe not directly, but even when I post on here, you almost always comment.

So if you do end up killing yourself, then I understand why. Just know that you mean so much to me. You’re my best friend always. I gotta go get some tissues but thank you Hanna for always being there for me. Thank you for being the bestest friend I have ever had.