I don’t think I’ve been this bad in a while. Thankfully I have more self control than previous years. I can mentally fight myself to stay clean. I just wanna see blood. I wanna slice my skin everywhere. I’ve been clean for 5.5 years from cutting. I really don’t want to back pedal. I know I wouldn’t be able to explain it to my fiancé if he saw it. I’m just so trapped in my head. I miss the support I used to have with people and a lot of people here. I feel alone. On top of the desire again to cut, I want to start pill popping again. I wanna feel that pain again. I wanna feel anything honestly. I don’t even wanna tell anyone in real life I’m not okay. I’m on overdrive I’m staying up 19-20 hours a day lately. I just spend so many hours tossing and turning thinking about how it would be to just feel a blade cut into my skin, how it would be to take a pill cocktail again. I don’t want pity though. It’s odd. Years ago I craved the need to talk to people about how I feel. But now I just pretend I’m okay or I make subtle comments that indicate otherwise but I leave it there. I know I’ll push through, but I’m becoming so very close to relapsing. It’s scaring me cause I haven’t been this bad in so long.
But it’s fine.