I am the only one in my family without an addiction. Drugs? I can put it all down. I’ve experimented, never had a problem setting it down. I was born to meth head parents, my mom has maintained her sobriety for years but my dad falls off and on. My problem is that I think it’s a choice. They all choose to cope with life that way. I dont. I used to play around and smoke snort and pop pills but it was never excessive when I think about it. I’m here because my sister is a serious addict she is working her program and is one month sober. She still has psychotic outbursts that stress me out. Watching her threaten to kill herself and run away is awful. I just dont know what to do. We disagree heavily cause I think she chose that life. I also dont like how my parents just baby her and trust her so quickly. I drank a couple beers on a camping trip with my friends family when I was my sisters age and I was grounded. I dont get how someone who can be doing meth cocaine molly xanax weed you name it she does it and my parents treat her like some god send angel. I’m the black sheep who’s a heartless ***** in the family. Got the label of toxic. Smh. Sometimes I wanna start drinking again and popping pills again just so I can feel the way she does sometimes chase after the rush she felt that I personally haven’t felt in a while. Watching her struggle makes me wanna go down a dark path so I’m not that “sober *****” anymore.
I started my account here in 2012 I have been through a whirlwind of adventure. From countless suicide attempts I discovered a reason to stay alive. I definitely do struggle, I got severe post partum depression but that actually changed my life. It kicked me in the ass to get a job and I learned being a stay at home mom wasnt my thing and that’s okay. My fiance has abusive tendencies but honestly I do too and were working on them together. I have been the sole provider for nearly a year now my fiance can’t hold a job and money is my biggest stressor. His mom moved out of state to arizona and our lease is ending next month and we have nothing but .14 in savings he lost his most recent job. Its beyond frustrating but hes better in other ways and I remind myself that. Things are finally taking a dramatic turn. Come october 14th were packing all our belongings aside from essentials into storage and leaving for Arizona we plan on staying with his mom til were on our feet. I am over the moon. My life is simultaneously falling apart and coming together at the same time. My parents are so toxic it’s best we get away anyways. They relentlessly talk bad about my fiance tell me I’m better off without him and that I should stay home with them forever. I’m finally getting away and hopefully staying away.
My reminder to keep pushing forward things change things get better. I wouldnt get to experience this and all the amazing things that have happened it my attempts worked years ago. Hang in there y’all
Some days i feel like im only attached to my fiance because we have a kid. We have no common interests no common goals or same attitude on life. Its just really shitty. I always come back here even tho I’m in a somewhat better place and i feel bad cause i dont like bragging but other days im drowning. And i just wish i had an emotional attachment to someone i cant even talk to my fiance about anything he has nothing to say never does. Just one word responses..idk I had so many great relationships with people on here…but seems SP has turned a new leaf too. Y’all aint the same. I’m alone
Ah I’m back. Figures. Probably wont be for long but this place has always been a mental home for me since 2012.
From my posts earlier this year I mentioned i was pregnant.
Well heres some updates
I was sick the whole damn time and I have never been more defeated in my life. Theres nothing like wanting to get out of bed but your body being just too damn weak to do so. Trying to do as much as take a shower but stepping over the tub made me scream in pain. Around April when i hit my second trimester i finally found a prescription that allowed me to eat. Wasnt fool proof though some days were still pretty bad but i stopped dropping weight. In total i lost about 30 lbs in just a month but sadly gained 10 lbs a month following that. I have quite the road to a full recovery in that aspect.
I started to become very sick my third trimester. My feet were so swollen i couldnt really walk. I had a headache every single day. My blood pressure was through the roof. Yet all my labs were normal. I kept begging for an induction just to get the damn pregnancy over. Well at 38 weeks my dr deemed my health no longer safe for me or my baby so i had him 2 weeks early Oct 11.
Idk if it was the 20 hours of labor the epidural giving out and the fact that my fiance wasnt there cause he had to work. But ive been miserable. I had to push for 4 hours and I almost fainted. I was put on oxygen and had a whole group of nurses helping me with my muscle strength cause I lost it all.
For several days after I couldnt even hold my poor baby for longer than 5 minutes without my back giving out.
4 days later my fiance and I moved to our own place. The last week and a half of that has been brutal. I have never wanted to die more than i do now. And this should be such a happy time. My fiance and i fight constantly I feel so neglected when hes at work. I cant handle being alone during the day. Watching our son isnt easy. I love him so much I really do. But I have no energy. The fighting the lack of sleep the uncertainty of how to raise an infant. Last Sunday i almost gave in to self harm after 4 years of being clean. I didn’t do it. But it runs through my mind every day.
Anyways. More or less..
I guess il be okay.
Got fired from my new job in less then two weeks that’s a new record for me. All my medication is failing again and it hurts to get out of bed and I’m trying so hard to eat. Back downhill I go…
The anxiety is getting intense the last few days and idk why. I’ve always had anxiety. Several years now but nothing ever this bad. I feel it in my chest and my stomach turns. I start shaking uncontrollably so much my muscles hurt. I’ve started to see things again. Visions. Ive been chased by a mad man threatening to pull the trigger against me. It’s terrifying. I just want all this to end. Idk anymore. Help.
I hate that everyone close around doesn’t understand how badly social anxiety affects me. And then doesnt bother to even learn. Smh
This place is my safe haven. I know I make more positive posts lately than negative but now not so much. I have been feeling so guilty lately. The more I’m on here I realize everyone I talk to understands my way of thinking in ba sense since in some way we’re all the same. Depressed. And what have you. For years now I only come back when things are hard. Now I’m on here all the time reading posts and talking in group on discord. I’m so social on here and I always feel like people get me. What I hate lately is that now I start to wish how easy things would be if I wasnt here today. How some days are bad and I don’t care anymore. I have a kid on the way and that feels so selfish that I still sometimes think how great it would be to not be here anymore. So many things have happened and I’m grateful for that the good and the bad but idk lately seems like when I was younger I was more bold to try and die but now I have some sort of fear of killing myself. I don’t fear death Tho and I think that’s still part of my problem..idk
Those 2 pink lines mean the world to me but if I knew how much my life would change I think I would’ve been more careful. I don’t have a job anymore. Bills are just piling on top of each other. I battle with my family again. All because of this lil bean growing in me. Now don’t get me wrong I will have the utmost love for my baby but as I’m only 9 weeks in and have about 31 long more weeks to go I can’t help but wonder when things will get better. I do nothing but sleep and when I am awake I just lay in bed my body is so weak I can hardly stand. And now I’m on medication just to eat what I can. Ive had a very fair share of bad days..but if I knew being pregnant would make me so depressed. Damn. I just feel so useless. So alone.
As happy as I currently am I’d love more people to talk to about life. Anything really. Feel free to text me 208.413.5067 Kik feel.alive000 Snapchat babyletsbeweird I would love to talk to more people and try to brighten their day if they know they have someone <3
Well hello again. I’ve been gone again for a year. I thought I was gonna be back last time for a while but not very long after my last post I was able to escape my girlfriend. We went back home to visit our family and after a few days together out of that week I was finally alone. I was so happy to get away but she was not. She never left me alone. My phone was always going off. My parents wanted me to watch their friends child my last day in town and I told them I wanted to but couldn’t. I explained she would be mad (they didn’t realize we were dating) but when I finally confessed they saw how broken I became again. I left town a day early to pack my things and move with a friend for my last 2 months away from home. The entire experience made not go back to University. A week or two into living with my friend we were high and kinda flirting she wanted me to sleep in bed with her that night and I was like meh okay I woke up to hands where they didn’t belong. I felt so betrayed. Not to mention I started talking and kinda dating a guy I met on here years ago so I felt like I cheated. I wonder if he knew it was him if he read this. I’m sorry. I told her to get off me. I told her that’s rape. Not to mention. I’m already 4 rape experiences down what’s one more right? She left the room and I heard her crying the whole night. The shity part is I forgave her later the next day. And we started having a thing for that guy I just mentioned. I know I messed up. She eventually cut things off before her and I moved back to our hometown when she realized cheating on her bf wasn’t okay cause she was falling in love with me. Fast forward a week and we moved back to our parents houses. I started fighting with my mom as I was used to being on my own. I wasnt happy feeling tied down again. That guy I was seeing from on here I left him. I couldn’t do it. He wasn’t always that nice and when he wasn’t he broke me. I went through a lot of mini relationships over the summer. A lot of people who played me. I had a job I didn’t really like but what I was doing was entertaining and challenging enough I kept going. Toward the end of 2017 I met a guy online. He was different but after being broken so many times I was skeptical. We spent everyday we could together. I spent all night at his house til they Dawn of morning and I traveled back the 25 miles to my mom’s house to get ready for work and go back to his after. For the first time I felt secure with someone. I felt happy. We ended up both getting fired from our jobs 3 days apart. So we spent every day together I spent the night every night his mom thought I moved in. Him his friend and I all went to my mom’s for a night since his house at the time was chaotic. My sister and I had a huge fight the next morning and mom told me I can just leave. His mom said I can just move in at this point since im there anyways. That was a day before Thanksgiving. Fast forward to the last month and I found the best reason for life. We’re expecting a child in October and I honestly could say this entire chaos of a year since I last posted has been nothing but pain and growth I found my happiness I found who I’m supposed to be with. Im so happy I’m finally going to be a mommy. I first signed up here when I was 14 years old. Now I’m going to be 21 this year and so much has changed I’m doing so much better now. Life is good. Not sure how much I will be on here but I know that for anyone struggling keep fighting. At some point the fight is worth it. Stay strong everyone <3
Does anyone else get nauseated at the idea of waking up around 6 or 7 am? I can’t handle a productive day lasting longer than 8 hours after that i have to rest. I just lose interest in everything so if I wake up at 6 my day has to be over by 2 and I need peace and quiet. I don’t know why this is. I also always want to nap. However I can never just go to bed early, early to me is like 1030. If I go to bed around 11 there’s no way I’m waking up at 6 though. An idea time is 10-noon.
Idk if it stems from depression and lack of motivation or if I just can’t ever wake up early. Is anyone else like this?
Its february 26 2017 @ 4:08 pm. I am stuck.
I was doing well for three years everyone, to the old timers and to the noobs. hello. Im now back again checking this site every 20 minutes desperate for interaction. 2012 I was chaotic. i was a mess. I just wanted to die ive tried many times and after January 17th 2015 i realized im stuck here for a reason. I shouldve died that night and i didnt. That ended all suicide attempts for me. I have had many moments where my life has gotten so much better. Ever since I moved out and go to university, my life has been a trap. I immediately wrapped myself in an abusive relationship. Was free a month and a half later when he had to move out of his house and go back to his parents. I then started binge drinking alcohol. itt was excessive. i have nearly died twice from alcohol poisoning and would you look at that. im still stuck here. met a girl who i harassed out of my personal self hatred. we became best friends ironically. moved in together not many weeks passed and we started dating. we broke up 3 times today being the third in just one month. I love her but the way she acts has me throwing up everyday cause she stresses me out. I have no escape from her til after this semester ends. I am now drowning in thoughts everyday crying in the shower or whenever im alone. Im so tired. Instead of writing this paper for a class im writing on here begging you guys to listen cause im so alone. Im breaking and ive lost myself. im back again guys. expect me to be here for a while again.
Yup…..all I wanna do is sleep and I really wish I can just never wake up….
When part of me feels like I keep coming on here every hour now for the last couple days because I might be getting bad again….SP has always been my safe haven
Curious as to who’s still here and who’s new. If youre still here from like 4 years back. Hiiiiii, I occasionally come back here to view my posts and remind myself of my shitty life when I think my life gets hard currently. Anyways it’s been a while SP to those who don’t know me, stay strong and I’m happy you’re here despite what you’re going through <3
Hey guys I haven’t been on here since like 2014 but not really active since 2012
Things are okay
I graduate this year
Start college in the fall
My family is okay ish i wish it was better but oh well
Congrats to everyone who’s made it another year
May we still push forward
Anyone need someone feel free to text me
(208)446-2439 I will reply generally quickly
^^texting app not real # to anyone who wants to blast me
okay, still i dont see the big fucking deal with me posting a pic on here when i see others doing it too. but il try to explain myself in much better detail so you can fuckin understand.
lets see, i was bullied all my life about how i look. i was always told to kill myself. told i was to fat to ugly. not good enough. i was verbally abused by my parents for years. telling me i couldnt eat. id just get fatter. this drove me insane. by 7th grade i stopped eating, my parents were pissed that i chose not so i took away their power of harassment and forced me to eat instead, by 8th grade, i started starving again i worked out every day. i lost A LOT of weight quickly i started to somewhat like myself. but to anyone else it wasnt good enough which pushed me down. more thats when i found sp, and i was encouraged to post a picture of me. during the time i was my most suicidal. i stayed off of here for a long time. cause my life was starting to get better. im slowing accepting the way i look and i still dont like what i look like, but not as bad as how it used to be. everyone has insecurities. i posted a picture early showing people that i had overcome a good portion of my battles and im still here today. the title “everyone is strong” i thought went well with the post cause i believe everyone is stronger than they think and if you feel bad today you should always look ahead.
and again. NOT SEEKING ATTENTION, tbh im curious yes of what people think of me but do i care? not that much i bully myself now way more so if someone attacks me its not that bad. but point being. i posted a pic and yes i have self image issues. doesnt make looking for attention or compliments. i have self image issues within myself. if you think im ugly or beautiful thats just fine, the picture just goes with my life. not this website or anything others. it fit what i felt at the time and the post and message i meant to get across
so please stop saying its for attention. cause its truly not.
and for those saying i shouldnt post my # online. yeah i know. the number i use is a textin app. i wouldnt give out my actual number. but kay rant over.
OMG, i joined this site 2 years ago, and at first everyone was so supportive and caring and month by month everyone is becoming judgmental the amount of judgment ive gotten in two days from people on here is insane. i post a picture of myself. i give out my number for people to contact me. WHY IS IT THAT BIG OF A DEAL!? i see others on here do it to. so why are we attacking me?!? what is so special about me that i dont have the right to post what others do. SORRY. im going to post what i damn well please you guys can gladly get the fuck over it. k.
this is me. ive changed so much learned so much. been through so much. ive tried more suicide attempts than i can actually count. everyone goes through shit. everyone feels like theres nothing left in life. but thats okay. everyone is stronger than they think. and thats why ive been on this site for 2 years, come so close to death a few times. but maybe im still here for a reason? were still here for a reason. sadly, life’s complications push you down, i go day by day, feeling not good enough. feeling incredibly ugly, and im sure im not alone on this feeling. everyday is a new day. face forward not backward be strong. ive gone on, not fully, but im better than i was, strength, love, courage, and will, gets you through.
now this seems like a pointless ramble and shifted from different topics, no, in a way im hoping i give words of encouragement. everyone is strong, just keep reaching on. (: it will get better.