Why bother…

I can’t do it. I can’t.

I’m in so much pain, all the time… not physically. Emotionally and mentally.

I haven’t been on this site in a while… Not really, since (he)… left. God… I wish I’d gone with him. So much. Then I wouldn’t be forced to endure. I hate enduring. It feels like waiting, waiting for even more terrible shit to happen. But I have too many people I would hurt if I went, hurt like I was hurt when (he) left forever, to a place where I could never speak with him again.

I miss him… I really do. He was my lifeline. I didn’t know him as well as I wanted to, but I’d like to say I did know him at least a little. I always wanted to meet him in person. He kept me going…

But he’s gone now, and I have no one.

Even my boyfriend… I love him like I’ve never loved anyone. But he just doesn’t understand certain things. Maybe it’s because I can’t express it. But it hurts. He doesn’t believe in my other personalities, he doesn’t understand my need for cutting–or at least pain–and he doesn’t know how much I hurt inside. He doesn’t know how much the things he says hurt me. Maybe I’m oversensitive. I don’t know.

I just don’t know anymore.

I want to die so badly… but I think about others, and their feelings, way too much. If I hurt my boyfriend the way (he) hurt me… I can’t imagine what he would do. And I can’t let that happen. I can’t hurt him like that. I can’t hurt my friends… or the people I really want to think are my friends.

They don’t know, they don’t know… They don’t want to know. I say things that should worry them, but they brush it off. I try to show how much I’m hurting, that I need help… nothing. I once tried to hide everything. Now I could care less. Let them see. They obviously don’t care.

No one cares but me.