I’m sixty. I’ve had lifelong depression, from early childhood (along with abusive and chaotic treatment). Because of the depression, life has sucked – lost jobs, lost relationships, inability to enjoy life, medication side-effects, etc.
I’m feeling suicidal again. Not sure what I’m going to do about it. I’ve tried suicide before. Some efforts left me badly damaged; most left me scarred or otherwise hurt.
Part of me wants to hang on, to have hope. But a part of me – and it’s getting stronger – says that if I haven’t found the answers after sixty years, there isn’t much hope of ever finding them. And at sixty, the chances of finding love, stability, enjoyment – they’re diminishing. I don’t have that many years left. Even if I started living “happily ever after” this very minute – well, how long would I have? Hardly seems worth the effort.
I’m OK for now – not going to kill myself today. But… come on. At some point you just have to admit defeat and pull the plug, if you can’t make it work. I think I’ve given it more than a fair chance. Sixty fucking years… sounds like a prison sentence.
5 comments
I don’t advocate suicide, but if i may speak candidly, i think when someone’s lived for 60+ years they’re more than entitled to end their lives if they so choose. It’s never to late though, there are people who find love at 60+. It’s not about how long it lasts, but that it’s potent enough to penetrate you deep enough to be with you forever. There still may be something out there that you could enjoy.
You’ve fought for six decades. Fuck if you haven’t earned an easy end I don’t know what officially earns it. I hope you can find a way to solve your depression and that you find something that will make you happy for the rest of your life. However, if you deem that enough is enough, I wish you good luck on your journey and I hope it is a safe and peaceful one.
I hope you can find some happy reason to carry on. Having said that, I’m 55, and thinking much of the same thoughts. I’ve also been depressed for years. Currently facing some health challenges, so far not serious. But pain has ruined any enjoyment of life. With some diagnostic tests coming up, if anything serious is determined, it will be time to check out. I won’t go through any painful treament so I can maybe live a little longer. Anyway, didn’t mean to turn this into me, hope you resolve your issues to your satisfactiion. Good luck!
You’re one tough SOB if I may say so. That’s a long time to hold on and keep up hope. I dont think I’ll make it that far. It’s to hard.
At 60 with depression from having it your whole life wow…just wow. Yeah I think you have given things a fair go, I often say to the emo teens in here at 14 or whatever at least give it some time and see if things don’t get better. I’ll be catching the train soon enough myself anyway.