Do you ever get that overwhelming need to destroy everything? And I mean everything, the things you love included. It’s just that right now I want to destroy everything in my life. I’m sort of angry and I don’t know why. I just feel this rage deep inside me that wants to break everything, throw things across the room, tear pages out of books I adore, scream ugly things at people I love, slam doors really loudly and destroy my relationship with my friends and family.
But more than anything I want to destroy myself. Not as a coping method or as the permanent sleep and peaceful moment I once dreamed of. The destruction I am looking for isn’t sad cuts crisscrossed all over my flesh, or a painless overdose of pills, or even a noose around my neck. Right now I want to kill myself in every sense of the word. I want violence and brutality and so much pain and blood and fury. Â And I want to do it all to myself.
And I really don’t know why I feel like this, because up until now I’ve wanted to either reconcile myself with life and teach myself to love it again, or to end my life peacefully and painlessly leaving next to no mark or destruction. But obviously, that has changed within the hour, leaving me with a desperation to do unthinkable things to myself with immeasurable levels of pain. And I don’t know what’s happened or why I feel like this.
All I know is that I must fight it because I know that if I did the tiny thing and picked up a blade now and dragged it across my skin, it may well be the start of something horrible. And I don’t want or need that because it all hurts enough as it is. So I have to resist and hope that this sudden desire for destruction will pass. I have to fight this.
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6 comments
You do, have to fight it. I’ve picked up a pair of scissors in a blind drunk rage and I went to town on myself. I regret it now, and wish I wasn’t so stupid. Self control is something very admirable; it was something I thought I had. Be strong though, and don’t give in. Try and remember the reasons you still want to live.
Has anything seriously happened to make you so destructive? Or is it bottled up feelings?
You have the right idea, fight against it. I used to get that feeling a lot to; wanting to destroy everything around me. That feeling is a very potent form of despair. Everyone gets that feeling some time emotions are like a fire when they’re trapped in an enclosed space they become a bomb and explode in fits of fury and rage. That’s why we have to find ways to diffuse that bomb and let the fires wane gradually. Maybe you should find something that isn’t to destructive to release this anger? Go outside with a hammer and smash some rocks lol or scream into a pillow.
Please don’t do anything you’ll regret after you’ve calmed down. I’ve had so many nights like that losing myself in the serinity of unbridled rage and letting myself lash out at everything around me, but in the end you just wind up feeling worse then before. Stay strong fight it, be calm laugh : )
Welll @stabby: I just spent my night attempting to read a book I was set for school, then giving up and reading something easy and comforting, then I got comfortable in bed and started getting beyond annoyed at this banging noise that I think is an open door and the wind in my house and it is making my blood boil just hearing it now. If this much anger can be brought on my one sound, I am pretty worried about what could happen if the catalyst was stronger! So yeah, bottled up feelings is all I can put it down to. I hope you can find the self control next time- I am off to shut that door before I give into my demons!
You might be snapping at the wrong things. I also find I get pissed off when I haven’t had my coffee yet, or I haven’t eaten. An open door and some wind is definitely an easy fix though. I hope your reading carries on more pleasantly.
Psychological break. Your mind is giving up on trying to handle stress rationally. I would suggest a good beer and a good cry.
“Put one in the chamber whenever I’m feeling this anger”
2Pac