I’ve threatened suicide so many times, it’s ridiculous. I have not made a single valid attempt, however. But this time it’s going to be different.
My boyfriend no longer trusts me when I am sad, so I haven’t told him ANYTHING this time around. My mother thinks I’m totally fine, and so does the rest of my family. I’ve been careful in deleting all of my history in my phone, kindle fire, and laptop. No one knows that I’ve again been researching suicide and death in general. I WILL succeed this time.
Before you all go bitching at me how I’m “making a selfish decision” or that “there is hope still,” I’ll have you know that I have been through EVERYTHING and NOTHING has worked for me. I’ve been in multiple different kinds of therapy, with many different therapists, NONE of which helped. They did their best, but there is simply nothing that will cheer me up, no matter how hard they try. And maybe I don’t want to cheer up. Maybe I need this more. Also, with medication, I’ve been on 4 different kinds of anti-depressants. All of which have done absolutely NOTHING or actually made things WORSE. I’ve been so hopeful that maybe things will get better, but no. It’s time to face facts.
Again, I really don’t want to be told of how selfish this is. I KNOW it’s incredibly selfish. But don’t we all deserve to indulge in our selfish desires every once in a while? This will be the last time I’ll get to be selfish, and I love it.
My only problem at the current moment is deciding how and when this will be done. I’m looking into purchasing some lye, as it is still legal for soap making, but I am unsure as to how to get it. I’ve also been thinking of looking for someone in my area that will help me on my journey, but I have made no solid progress yet.
Hopefully I will be gone soon, though, and I won’t have to deal with the constant torment my mind puts me through any longer.
I love you all, and I do hope that anyone that may be reading this has better luck in their life than I ever have.
3 comments
If you go through it, you go through with it. But damn, I hope you do not. My reasoning, well, if you die, you die. simple. but that sucks. and if you leave in this state, what will permeate? I feel like if you have been through everything, than you are strong. If you are strong than maybe, just maybe, you can keep going. Maybe you’ll find a moment where it’s worth being alive. I was on a lot of medicine. I was dealing with my own shit, but i was on A LOT of meds. I even got ect. (they shocked my brain, which i don’t reccommend.) anyway, I feel good today. I feel alive at different moments, Feeling alive feels like the best drug there is. I can breathe, I feel loved, I see beauty, I feel present in the moment. It’s great. But shit still happens in all honesty. Recently my sister’s boyfriend committed suicide. It was selfish as you sad suicide is. But worst of all, it hurts so bad. I’m so worried about my sis. will she be okay? if i have anything worth while to say, it would be I love you enough to write this, you might be a stranger but I’m hoping that who ever you are, You will find hope and some strength to hold on. And as you live, my hope is that you feel love. Go within yourself, there is a whole other realm that you are a part of. Maybe your answers are in there? i hope so. much love.
from: just another character
StarDust, I understand what your sister is going through, but my problem is, I’ve just stopped caring. If I’m dead, I won’t have to deal with it. It won’t matter to me. I really don’t even give much of a shit about what will happen to my boyfriend after I die. In fact, I hope he hurts just as bad as he’s made me feel. Worse, even. I hope he kills himself, too. And I just can’t live with these thoughts anymore. I can’t talk about with them with anyone anymore, either. Everyone will be better off not worrying about me, I promise you that.
the thing is they’ll still worry, Well, let me speak for myself, I would still worry. I would wonder, Are you okay where you are? Are you happy? Did find peace? Do you regret it? But I don’t have the answers, all i know is that people that you might not want to hurt, will hurt, and for time (whatever time consists of). I hope you keep living especially since you still have a chance to feel alive. What if you die and you still feel unable to express yourself? Just saying. That feels scary to me. And I don’t want you to make a decision that leaves you feeling even more alone. But i do not know what it will be like for you. so i am not intending to push you either way in all honesty. but i do send you sparkling energy 😉 purple sparkles to be exact.