I just don’t know what to do anymore

I’m 19. I normally bottle everything up and hide it but like i said, i just don’t know what to do anymore.

when i was about 5 or so my mom got in trouble with the government because her and my fathers medical machines were threatening drug companies. My dad agreed to serve her term teaching the air force because she had cancer… she died when i was seven and my dad didn’t even get to be there, neither did i. my grandma pulled the plug and wouldn’t let me say goodbye. Later my grandma sued my dad for custody of me, but when the judge ruled against her she quickly changed to wanting the money and cars (my grandma smuggled money from my personal account for “therapy sessions” that’s the only reason she wanted custody). once she lost i never heard from her again.

later my dad got remarried. i swear to you its like being cinderella but with step brothers. i was ignored, belittle, bullied, and eventually my mentally handicapped brother started threatening me and hitting me… and every time i was told by my step mom that it was my fault. i was so afraid id come home to a dead family. eventually the government came back saying we had put a sentence in a brochure in the wrong spot and tried to give my dad 10 years. but he only got 15 months because the judge said those allegations were outrageous. i lost my dad for 15 months when i was turning 15. he didnt see me learn to drive, have a date, go to dances all the things you do right at that age. at this point im still being hit, bullied, and belittled. my step moms not a monster but i know that she doesnt see me as her own… skimming a few years and im headed to college Fall 2011.

I started out ok, i was majoring in something i didnt want to be in order to make my family proud but it wasnt enough. Eventually i started skipping class and failing… then my boyfriend moved here. shortly after that all the sadness i felt multiplied to the point that i tried to get out of going to work. i decided to see a therapist on campus and it was going ok. eventually i was diagnosed with Dysthimia and a case of double depression, and when i first felt comfortable enough to talk about my previous suicidal thoughts and attempts i was medicatted.

now i no longer am enrolled in college, and because of that ive been kicked out of the campus clinic and therapist (i dont have insurance either). My boyfriend isnt very supportive and my sisters spread lies about me and stds to my parents, my sister told me in the middle of all of my problems shes not really my sister, and my father the only person i ever truly cared about doesnt want to talk to me anymore. ive been struggling with money for almost a year, im trying to do three different jobs to make up for it, am no longer medicated for asthma, depression, or BC because i cant afford it, and all i want is someone to talk to that actually cares.

im trying so hard to not let this get the best of me but i cry all the time and it almost really hurts my heart. its to the point where i dont even want to try anymore. and i cant tell anybody close to me because everytime i try its just a big joke or they all get mad at me. i just want to give up. and the sad thing is i want to die, im not afraid to die, but im afraid to do it myself.  i mean theres really no one left, for the first time im not just feeling completely alone, i am.