Its coming back. I was fine for a few days, actually looking at the positives and I didn’t even cut which was an achievement.
But of course i have to get sucked back in. I blame people. people close to me. I used to know this guy that treated me like a princess, always made me feel beautiful and was the nicest to me. He actually made me feel human unlike all the other people around me. he accepted me.
I was always nice to him because he was always nice to me. And I’ve never said anything to make  him get upset or wateva. So recently i’ve been making the effort to talk to him and be nice to him, but of course people have to change and become bitches. He’s become a completely different person to me and he’s started treating me like shit.  Calling me incompetent and irresponsible because I’m still in high school and he’s finished. he believes he is the alpha male, and he can treat me like shit, and say anything and everything to hurt my feelings, because he believes he is better than me. But its not like he was always like this. he used to call me beautiful and if I ever struggled, he was always willing to help. Now, I dont even dare ask him for help because he’s completely blunt and tells me that my i have no logic. like ***** why? Why must you treat me like shit when you used to be the nicest person that I was almost in love with, because you accepted and cared for me?
I guess people change, and those who you thought were your friends, turn out to be completely fucked. but the saddest thing about losing someone, not in the physically sense but more personality wise,is that it impacts the way i think about myself. i was going so strong thinking about the positives in life, smiling and laughing again but thats all gone to shit, and i’m back in the same position I was before. Â why must i be sucked back in? Â I told myself, FUCK HIM. YOU DONT NEED HIM. yet then again, he’s always there. I can’t open my mouth and say something, tell him how I feel about his superior attitude because he’ll just shut me down and call me stupid again. 🙁
I feel worthless.
2 comments
i understand a little of how you are feeling.
the love of my life for the last 10+ years, my best and only friend in the world, has decided that i am no longer worthy of her time, attention or kindness. i won’t claim innocence in that i did some pretty stupid things in our past, but i never once called her anything but beautiful, even when i was angry with her.
losing someone is a terrible thing. having someone decide to leave you is worse. and having someone you still care for so much decide they care so little for you is hell.
i don’t feel worthless. i feel hopeless because the only thing i am worth is the apparent pain and anger i cause her now.
anyway, i am sorry for your pain. i understand it, a little…
i kinda understand how that feels, caring for 1 person that much and he/she doesn’t give a single f*ck about you and it doesn’t even considerate how you feel about them, its really painfull, similar happened to me, i felt and i still feel terrible, worthless, im angry at myself for being this way, i feel sad that i cant forget that person and i cant even picture a future without her without crying…
anyway, im sry that you are going through this, dont think any1 deserves this kind of pain, i just hope you can move on and find some happiness elsewhere.