Hey, you can call me Mordecai. Mostly cuz I love the name because of Regular Show and Borderlands. and for privacy reasons. I guess I don’t know what to do or say. And that’s the problem in a way.
I used to be suicidal a long time ago, can’t say if I’m not anymore. Growing up I’ve always had a lot of “friends”, more what I’d call friendly aquaintances. You know, those people you meet and like and say hello to but you have no real connection with in almost any way. Well I moved across town in elementary and then in 4th grade there was this new “smart-kid program” of sorts and I had to go to another new elementary and when I went there I was basically shunned by everyone and told they already had to many people playing their game, whatever it was I never really found out. Bullied by defintion I guess. After that I became depressed and went back to my old school where I had a couple close friends. Still things had changed a bit and most of them no longer talked to me and I became aware of things my silly old self hadn’t noticed such as when I talked almost no one paid attention and I often had to repeat myself. One effect of this is that I now often slighly stutter when I speak and am not always good with words. Sometime my now-girlfriend has brought up numerous times.
Anyways after a lot of depression through middle school I met a girl. She’s amazing it every way and is now my girlfriend. She’s beautiful, smart (though she’s kind of blonde a lot), tough (maybe a little too much), independent and most importantly, she’s cared about me more than anyone that I know. Now there’s a lot more to my story but I don’t know if I should ramble on and explain the long long story I have, how I’ve lived and believed.
I never tried to suicide, I felt it was the last solution; never cut, because I thought it would only make people believe I’m a psychopath (even though I am now); but I know what it’s like to “want to die.” I say that with “” because in actually we all know that people like me truly want to live. It’s just hard. I’ve had family problems, tough military dad yada yada. But..
Meeting my gf made things a lot easier as I grew up. She showed me a lot of things that I never saw, she was always so optimistic. To date I’m 16 and I’ve dated her for nearly a year and a half. Known her since 6th grade, nearly 5 years ago. She’s my best and quite frankly only friend. I’m kind of twisted and hateful in a lot of ways but with her feel safe and cared about.
But now, today, I’m questioning myself. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m trying new things; joined the school paper, volunteer, got a job, might join fencing; but I feel like it’s all for nothing. Like though I’m spending all this time doing stuff I’m just filling my time pretending to be “busy” in order to fill the void that is filled in my heard because I don’t feel or find meaning in the things I do. I’m not happy.
And I don’t know why. I’ve got a awesome girlfriend, I’ve gotten “over” most of my depression, I’ve got a lot of cool stuff and reconnected with my once hateful sister. I’ve got a couple friends more now too. But I’m losing it. I feel like the opposite of a vector. I have no magnitude or direction (which is what a vector is defined with if you aren’t a math wiz). I’m lost in what seems to be a time when things should be getting clearer.
And that’s now all. I have a lot of social problems with conveying what I feel and mean, often because not only can I not figure out how to, but also because my views are vastly different from others, because of my past. I think my girlfriend is going to leave me. I love her so much but I feel like she grows tired of me and how I continue to act. I try so hard and I do the best job I can for her and for myself but I feel like I’m always doing my best, but doing the wrong thing.
It always seems that she doesn’t want to talk to me and she smiles a lot less now and I don’t know why. I’ve tried asking her but it only frustrates the both of us. I don’t know what to do. And if she left me, I’d be even more lost. She’s all that I have that I actually believe is important. I don’t mean to be cliche but if I lost her I think I might die. I think I could never get over the fact that the one person throughout my life who has ever given two shits about me might leave me in the dust to die and rot. And i think she wants to talk this friday and break up with me and I don’t know what to do.
Since I started dating her I knew that it would come down to either me staying with her or her leaving me. And I’m so scared all the time even when she doesn’t realize it. She thinks I’m so strong and undaunted and unaffected by other people but she doesn’t realize how scared of the world I can be.
I feel like my life is never in my own hands! Things like this are never under my control and there’s nothing I can do to stop these things from happening. I always feel like try or don’t try shit happens and life’s gonna drag me by the neck and chew me out. This is 1000 words of me saying. I’m lost…
2 comments
Guess I just need to vent if anything.
You seem quite intelligent, so I’m sure that the high level of intelligence, only hinders your attempts to remain oblivious to the fact that society is so F’d up. This in turn, makes communicating and socially functioning with others, seem awkward and void of reason. This level of intelligence also makes you more acutely notice your co-dependency issues.
It’s really a catch 22. Those of us who are bright enough to see how f’d up the world is, also see how f’d up we are. We are often very hard on others as well as ourselves for this reason.
Step 1: Don’t worry if “the world” doesn’t seem to communicate on the same “frequency” as you. You will in time, find others who do. You will experience emotions, altercation and experiences on a deeper level than most. It may cause you to feel disassociated at the moment, but in time you will learn to appreciate it.
Step 2: By better adapting to yourself and your environment, you will be easier to get along with and more pleasant to be around. That can only mean positive results for yourself and your relationship. Don’t forget to let her know how much she really means to you and what a big difference she means in your life.
Step 3: Do something spontaneous with her…something “out of the box”. Show her that you’re learning to evolve and have every intention of taking her with you. The most memorable thing I’ve done with my current girlfriend, is we followed railroad tracks until they bridged over a small stream. The bridge was made of wood and probably a hundred years old. I took her by the hand and led her around the side of the bridge and we ducked just beneath it. I raised my hand and felt the course wood of the bridge’s underside. She asks: “What are we gonna’ do here, make out?” I smiled and shook my head as we heard the train whistle in the distance. She looked at me perplexed, then terrified. “Are you fu(kin’ crazy!?” I held her safe as the train approached. I could feel my heart in my temples, booming over the scraping rhythm of the steel, train wheels on the tracks. As the train passed over us, we could see the undercarriage of each car. Now and then gravel fired downward into the stream, sometimes ricocheting on the bridge’s trembling frame. I held her in one arm and grabbed her wrist with my other. I extended our arms to the underside of the bridge and we touched the swaying wood and for a moment it felt as if we were “one” with the monumental vehicle. It was definitely a time to remember. I thought she would inquire the reason behind doing such an act, but she never did. To her, it seemed the same as it did to me…a delightfully intense time that we shared together.