I have this rising urge to kill myself. I have a BA in English, I have a job, I’m in good health, I have friends, I come from money, and I have a loving family, so why do I want to kill myself? Good question. Lately when I let my mind wander my thoughts often turn to the concept of impressions. We all come across a certain way to people which means we all have unique character traits. It seems to me that my only character trait is that I am unlikeable. No matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try, people always seem to act as if I had two heads or something. Without the ability to be like the world is a very alien place.
I want some direct kindness! If I don’t get some direct kindness I might kill myself! I don’t know what to do anymore, I keep trying and trying and trying, but no one is ever nice to me! Even my friends are only in my life because they just want someone to massage their egos all day, they don’t actually want to be my friend. I’m lost, I’m stuck, I’m out of control. What do I do!?
3 comments
Hi, KC. I’m HC, and I belong to the Good Guys Club, too. At first glance you seem successful at home, work, and leisure. What is it about your relationships that’s not feeling right? Or is your work ethic affecting your private life? You dont have to do a thing you dont want, Im just putting questions out there. Or maybe you just need a solo vacation? Those are fun.
KC, although our life circumstances on the surface are different, at the root I have the same problem you do. I’m extremely unlikable. I’m probably a lot older than you. In college I was the guy who stayed in the dorms during Thanksgiving and Christmas break (in freezing Boston, with no heat in the dorms). Later in my career I was the guy people felt comfortable yelling at in the work-place. I’m also the one people (only a few) date because they need someplace to crash, and then the relationship dissolves in the most spectacularly absurd way–because I can’t hold the other person’s attention. I’m also the guy who’s super friendly to the check out clerks or any worker where I shop, and I get attitude back from them–even though I had just witnessed them being nice to the customers in front of me. I’ve spent a small fortune of my measly earnings on therapists, doctors, counsellors–only to hear advice that’s utterly vacuous (go out there and enjoy doing the things you like, and soon people will flock to you; or… stop giving a damn, tell people when they’re crossing the line! or… be more sensitive–don’t make other uncomfortable by telling them what they did wrong, instead tell them how you feel; or… don’t tell people how you feel…). And I’m not even an introvert–I try to go out there and have fun. It’s really hard when it’s always just you.
I read on another site today that advice is almost alway useless. I agree. Unless it’s advice about how to fix a physical problem (like a broken sink disposal), how the heck can someone else fix a complex human being? If it were a probable endeavor, depression and suicidal ideation would be drastically diminished. What I’m trying to say (thanks for your patience) is I agree with you wholeheartedly. We’re social animals, and despite being told we’re spoiled because we expect kindness and attention, we know those aren’t luxuries–they’re what give meaning to our lives. And living in a kindness vacuum is tantamount to murder.
I’m totally with you. I’ve begun wrapping up all my affairs and stashing away a little (but enough) cash so when this final year’s responsibilities are done, I can leave. I know now I cannot and do not want to go anywhere else, because everywhere I go (throughout the USA & multiple countries) people are basically the same. If you’re attractive or powerful or wealthy they want to be around you. The further from those you are the less motivated they are to be civil, let alone get to know you. And as you get older, it doesn’t get better. It gets MUCH worse, because now everyone else has an excuse to neglect you, to ignore you–you’re old, and that’s just what happens to old people.
Get me the f*ck outta here as fast as possible.
Good_Guy_KC ,
Aw grasshopper you killing me hardly anyone likes each other! The majority of the population just puts up with each other! What’s really important is that you find a few people or just one that likes you believe me there is somebody out there that will like you the tricky part is will you like them? I want everybody to like me too, but they don’t, so what! There are a lot of people I’m not crazy about too. Most people can count the people that really like them on one hand.