How crass of me to think living my life in a good way would be beneficial? Somehow I’d appease myself or ‘God.’ It really doesn’t mean anything I am finding. There is no glory, no making a difference, no touching someone in a small way only a momentary feeling of ‘goodness’ so quickly to evaporate.
I was there all that time for him. When the world was a dark, lonely place with no light in sight. Years of health issues and not being able to live. Sadness crept in when people who were supposed to be friends skipped out of the picture and never acknowledged his birthday. How depression and tears streamed over some stupid ***** who resembled barbie abandoned, spoke in riddles, disappeared & reappeared months later, played mind games, was the picture of some type of perfection was his ideal, the best friend he ever had or connected with. While, I never did those things, I accepted him as he was, was there during the good and bad, tried to inject the idea that a real friend could be possible. Then, the holidays arrived and I found gifts about things he liked or related to inside jokes. Me? He claims he had gifts but there was always an excuse as to why they never got mailed. If he never bought any, it was fine, he didn’t have to get me anything. Yes, it hurt, very deeply in fact. How he deemed someone a close, kind friend yet remembering me on one day a year wasn’t possible. Let us move into the next segment of the financial woes, business faltering, moving back home and stressed insanely over money. Money making ideas poured from my mind, business tactics to bring in new clients, feedback on projects. Why? I saw people losing their homes, cars and jobs. I never asked for monetary compensation. I just wanted to know I was maybe appreciated, maybe I was the one person in the world who made a little difference, maybe see I had a decent heart and it wasn’t ever all about me. I got all broken promises, felt like I meant nothing, am easily expendable, some type of joke in all of this and overall I am NOTHING. NOTHING.
Shame on me for being a decent human being. Shame on me for not being able to truly touch him in some small way. Shame on me for letting it all happen. Shame of me for wasting my time and energy in the wrong places. Shame on me for caring at all.
There has to be a better place for me. It’s sure as hell isn’t here. I await the day all the pain will disappear, when I might be happy again. I will be more than a breathing human in a desolate, uncaring, hellish place. I wish I could go there now.
2 comments
You can’t rely on others for your happiness, you have to make your own. Being a kind person is rewarding in itself. If you look at some of the people you would perhaps like to know, they seem to possess this warmth. That doesn’t mean people don’t let them down; I’m sure a lot of what they do goes unnoticed. The difference is that their good deed was not based on an anticipated emotional return on the investment. Therefore, there attachment could easily be disassociated.
I’m not saying that’s what you did or am implying naivety in any way. You were used and that’s nothing for you to feel ashamed about. We all get used, some of us in fact were even put on this earth for that sole purpose. There’s a word for it in Latin but I can think. We are all just cogs in a machine being influenced by a bigger component that is in turn being controlled by something else.
You should be happier; now you’re free to start living for yourself. I would definitely buy you a beer man.
Life would be boring if there were no challenges!
WOW this is passionate, and sad, very sad 🙁
im so sorry for all the shit that guy put you through, he didnt deserve to have such a caring person like you,
you need to find someone that loves you, and wouldnt replace you for anyone,
i hope you can wait it out until you find the right person for you, good luch