Why can’t i just let go? I hate it here in my life that has no effect on the people of this world?
I walked home from soccer last night to come home to my dad yelling at me he threw open my door ( which left a hole in my wall) and then pushed me into my dresser ( spilling all my stuff on the floor), i was also left with bruises. He yelled at me some more and left my room. I then shut my door and began to pick up all the stuff that fell. I started crying for the first time since i last felt this numb and when sadness last engulfed my mind. My mom came in a little bit after i was done cleaning to talk to me. it was still too early for me to talk. this is how it was most of the time. my mom just stands back and watches, most of the time she just agrees with my dad just so the yelling doesn’t turn to her. I don’t really have any reason to live anymore i’ve lost all the hope i have managed to hold on too. I’m tired of watching my boring life go by. I’m tired of sitting at school and pretending I’m happy. I just moved so i don’t have many friends. But that is how it was at my old school so i guess i can’t complain. I just want to disappear and run away and have no will to look back. I just want the numbness and sadness and anger to disappear. I want it all gone. i want to laugh for real smile a real smile i want to feel the joy o true happiness again. But, that’s just me dreaming those things all sound nice but they seem so far out of reach it’s stupid for me to even try. What makes me go on with this pointless and boring life. Is it the hope that one that i’ll be happy. Or is it that im just not quite done yet.I just don’t know anymore. My life is just a wast of time, and my body a waste of space.  I feel ugly and unloved and unwanted. I hate it here. I just feel numb i don’t know what to think anymore. i watch my life pass by in slow motion , or maybe it’s moving fast.
I’m just not sure anymore.
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3 comments
Interesting. You sound similar to me. Your story caught my attention when I read about the door. When I was about 12 years, I locked my door for fear of being beaten, but my mother took a hammer and bashed a hole in the door, went thru, and proceeded to beat the living sh*t out of me. Nice parents we have eh?
Well you are young and you still have some hope- perhaps things will be better once you’re old enough and able to move out (I’m assuming you’re still a teenager?).
My father used to beat me aswell-people understand, but it’s very important to tell someone outside of your family. I didn’t and now it’s too late for me to get any better. No one noticed because he was sober enough to not leave a large mark. I fear contact from anyone now-don’t be like me. You can change this because people do care. People do want to help and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t find them.
There is hope for you, please don’t despair. I know happiness seems so far right now, but don’t give up, don’t let go. Please don’t push people away, your life IS important and it is valuable. You are loved and you are wanted. I’d be glad to listen and talk to you if you like. you can send me a private message if you want. take care.