I’ve been so relieved the past few days now that I have my out. (waiting for the materials to get here) I saw my med provider yesterday and skirted around the topic. I’ve been working with her for several years, now. She sort of doubles as a therapist.
She said, “What about your sister? And neice? Friends? And what about us?” She reminds me that my “choice” to die would effect many people for as long they live.
So I’m supposed to keep plodding on in order to save everyone in my life having to deal with my suicide.
How is that even fair?
At the end of the day, I’m the one who has to live it. Not my sister. Not my therapist. It’s not like I just came down with the flu last week. I’ve been doing this for over 30 years. Hanging on by a thread for over 30 years. Hoping that I’ll get better. Believing I’ll get better. I’m not going to get better!
But this guilt tripping, it works. It makes me feel horrible, like a selfish monster out to hurt the ones who love me. Which isn’t the case at all.
I just can’t justify this suffering to myself, anymore. Why can’t people see it as I’m finally achieving peace. How can people who love me want me to keep suffering like this, just so they don’t have to feel bad I offed myself?
Anyway, I’m just really annoyed right now.