I’ve been so relieved the past few days now that I have my out. (waiting for the materials to get here) I saw my med provider yesterday and skirted around the topic. I’ve been working with her for several years, now. She sort of doubles as a therapist.
She said, “What about your sister? And neice? Friends? And what about us?” She reminds me that my “choice” to die would effect many people for as long they live.
So I’m supposed to keep plodding on in order to save everyone in my life having to deal with my suicide.
: /
How is that even fair?
At the end of the day, I’m the one who has to live it. Not my sister. Not my therapist. It’s not like I just came down with the flu last week. I’ve been doing this for over 30 years. Hanging on by a thread for over 30 years. Hoping that I’ll get better. Believing I’ll get better. I’m not going to get better!
But this guilt tripping, it works. It makes me feel horrible, like a selfish monster out to hurt the ones who love me. Which isn’t the case at all.
I just can’t justify this suffering to myself, anymore. Why can’t people see it as I’m finally achieving peace. How can people who love me want me to keep suffering like this, just so they don’t have to feel bad I offed myself?
Anyway, I’m just really annoyed right now.
7 comments
I’m not sure if suicide is selfish. But people who love you will be very pissed. And feel guilty about it.
Why, though?
????
If someone I loved had been struggling with mental illness for decades, I wouldn’t feel at all guilty or responsible for their suicide. I’d think- “Well, I guess they’d just had enough.”
But why would I take it personally?
I wouldn’t.
I’d even kind of expect it. And maybe feel relieved for the.
I don’t see how people could be pissed at me. That seems so unfair. >:(
I’ve done everything that can be done to treat my mental illness- right down to fucking ECT. Can’t count the times I’ve been hospitalized. I’m on so many meds it takes three gulps to get them all down.
I’m so fucked. Why would anyone be mad at me if I decided I was done with it?
That doesn’t seem loving to me at all.
That seems like the epitomy of selfishness, for someone to deny me that right just bc it makes THEM feel uncomfortable.
You know?
If you’re really worried about all of the people you would hurt a note would be a good way to alieve some worry. Write a personal letter to each person explaining to them that you’ve been suffering for 30 years doing all that you can to abate your ailments, and nothing you’ve done has availed any success. Tell them that continuing to stay here would cause you to suffer, and by leaving this world you’re doing what will bring you peace. After hearing that it will be their responsibility to accept your decision.
It is not your guilt to bear, everything happens for one string of reasons or another. The funny thing about responsibility is that it is the one resource in the world that others will gladly give up to the first to claim it. You may feel like the problem, and maybe you are, like I am. But your honesty with yourself should not go unnoticed. Whatever comes of your situation, I know you will have your peace.
You know what, Scar?
You’re absolutely right. Good point.
It’s their responsibility to accept it. That’s not my job.
I have written out a pretty thorough letter. Mostly with the intent to outline the fact that my choice has nothing do with anyone, past or present. Nor with any particular event or period of time. It’s purely about me and my choice to FINALLY be done messing around with my mental illness. I compared my sitch to someone with a brain tumor. Even the best brain surgeon in the world can’t fix *every* person with a brain tumor. (I’m very very concerned about hurting my professional supports. They’re actually the most on my mind of anyone in my life. I don’t want them to think they “failed” with me.)
You die from a brain tumor. Who loved you are pissed. You die from suicide. Wrose like feel guitly. We could of help. I was never there. If only i new. You know what i’m sayin. i’m sorry. If you go with it. A really good note. By my note shit.
@ Donnie,
Eh?