Alright so.. For about a year I’ve been feeling depressed and such. I’ll admit, I’m not as bad as most of the people who are depressed, or suicidal. I’ve only cut twice in my life. I’m 14 now. I always get the urge to cut, but then I tell myself it’s not worth it. It won’t change anything. I want to commit suicide most days, but the thing stopping me is the fact that I know it would be a selfish thing to do. It would devastate my parents, my friends, my brothers, sister in laws, all of my family. But still, I feel the need to do something self harming.
What’s been going on is petty drama between my friends that I get involved in somehow, rumors going around the school that I’m a lesbian, that I had sex with my ex, all of that fun crap. Â My dad verbally abuses me. He says I’m a lazy *****, worthless, I have no friends, that I need to go die.. etc. And ever since I was 10, I was kicked out of the house more than several times. There are kids in my classes that call me names that don’t suit me, such as slut and whore. I have never had sex in my life, or ever tried doing sexual things. I always make sure I don’t have cleavage showing, or at least not that much, and I always make sure I wear short shorts that cover my butt.. Unlike most girls in my school.
I have this addiction to watching peoples stories and confessions on Youtube. It makes me feel like there really are people out there who would understand.
Other than the fact that I’m known as a lesbian (Which I’m not) I am also known as the girl who is almost always happy. All of my friends think that nothings wrong, that I’m always happy. The only time I ever tell them about anything is if I feel as though it will change anything. Such as the petty drama I said about.
Another thing that gets me is that I have a boy friend. But the problem is, he lives in the phillipenes( or however you spell it) Â and I live in Canada. I love him more than anything.. but yeah.. That’s another story for another day.
I guess this isn’t exactly a post about crying for help, but a post to help people. Suicide is never the answer, no matter how bad the problem may be. There are people out there who care, even if they don’t show it. That Amanda Todd thing? She had people who cared, I can guarantee it.  The only problem was, those people were too shy to speak out in fear that they would be treated the same as her. Never may a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Well, that makes me sound like a complete hypocrite seeing as though I feel like suicide is my only way out.. But hey, I give people advice but I can never take my own.
If anyone ever needs someone.. I’m here <3 xx
2 comments
You don’t need to worry. There’s nothing wrong with you–there’s something wrong with everybody else. Sexuality in teen years is natural and healthy, but the problem is that we now have an oversexualized culture. Anyone who laments on how this is affecting the youth is castigated as a puritan, so sex continues to be marketed on younger and younger age groups.
Someone at your school is insecure and has started a rumor about you…probably because she doesn’t feel good about herself for something she’s done. So first she starts a rumor that you had sex and that makes you a whore. Then they say that you *didn’t* have sex, so that makes you a lesbian. Of course there’s nothing wrong with either of these things in and of themselves (having sex when you’re ready, not having sex, or being gay), but insecure people who feel guilty (for whatever reason–maybe the sex didn’t give her the respect or love she thought it would) will try to bring others down.
People who are out of this world (of middle school) can’t really give you advice on how to navigate those social waters, but I will tell you to keep your head high, because in a few short years none of the dumb crap these dumb bitches say about you is going to mean anything…for the rest of your life. Actually, in two years or less, they’ll probably all realize how stupid those rumors were anyways.
thank you..