I dont know where to turn to..

I dont know what to do anymore..

i just turned 25..

I have always been a thinker, i think about everything.. too much at times..I cant say my life was horrible at all times.

I did have a somewhat troubled childhood. But i always try to think that there are others that had it much worse.

like i said im 25 now, i have spent the past few years in and out a psychiatric institution due to my depression. I left the instititution in august.. I  really was better, and i had found some motivation to start again  And right now im living in a house with 4 others, some also ex patients. its a house that has supervision every week.  I Wanted to to this because i knew it would be impossible for me to live on my own, and i wanted to have a new start, the right way.

Since august i had some set backs in my personal life, doesnt matter what it is, as i cant change what happened.

I still go to day therapy every day, and that since september. Like i said, i was motivated in a few months ago.

But since last weekend, and no nothing happened last weekend, my mind just started working again.. and i feel more lost then i ever have.  not so long ago, i had so motivation and passion for several things. And i lost all of that.

I used to be someone that wanted to make everyone proud, someone that could mean something to the world, someone that could contribute to the good of this world. My goal was to make people proud and do good.

And for days now ive been thinking, that i lost that part of me.. I was so proud of that part.. and i lost it. Its really gone. My father killed himself when i was 13, my mom kicked me out when i was 18, i see once in a few months as she never has time to see me. The only related family i have left is my  4 year older sister and her little daughter.

And even though my sister and i dont always get along, i know she loves me. I also have many friends, that are like family to me.. But as we grew older everyone started living their own lives, some got pregnant, or got married, or live with their boyfriends. And i, i am nowhere.. i have nothing that makes me content about my life.. Yes i do love my sister and my niece and yes i do love my friends.. But it doesnt make me content anymore.. i see everybody moving forward and starting a life.. And yes i know im still young.. But trust me i have been fighting for many years now and i came to a point where i cant take it anymore.. I messed up many things in my life, and i still mess up every day.. and i am tired of it.. tired of myself.. so i put myself for a choice now.. run away  or end it..

I have talked to my psychologist about me wanting to run away 2 days ago.. Just to be abe to tell someone..

as he did understand that im searching for ‘happines’, he also pointed out the things why i shouldnt run away.

But what am i to do.. end it then? i cant fight anymore..

And even when i run away, i dont know how or where to go, i dont have any money for it.. i have nothing , no plans.. nothing..

im really tired.. And i cant do this life anymore.. Or i have to choose to run and leave everything behind