im not a suicider. Just suffering. and through this posts im analysing myself. Sorry.

Hello guys,

im here again with my problems :]

If You remember my last suffers it was by love.. alone and alone.. 4 years i was in love with my friend.. i divorced with my bf on spring and had very lonely summer.. Well autumn always bring me some adventures.. Always.

So after 4 years suffering and loving one of my best friends, i call him Love.. after half year deleting me from his life – we finally met. We sat, took lots of alcohol and were talking like always: from 19 p.m. to 5 a.m. 🙂 then he said for me thngs i was waiting all of that time: he was in love with me, and still is actually, all the time.. But he was too afraid too tell me, because we were friends.. i told him that i was waiting him 4 years and bla bla bla.. then we slept over.. My dream came truth ! i had him.. in my arms, inside of me, on me, under me .. everywhere.. that night he was mine. We went to work.. Met next evening again.. And i felt that i got what i want and ..im not sure i want him so much anymore. He is really perfect.. Really.. but he has some problems with girls – had hard childhood and cant trust people and open himself.. So i started to ignore his calls, messages and so on.. Dont know why. Maybe im too affraid.

So i found a job at another company, another city and decided to move out tomorow .. not to go into this shit.. Thats funny.. I was waiting 4 years every day and im running. I know that our friendship will be ruin, even we’re talking and so on like all the time.. WE’re talking but not about our feelings.. thats a problem maybe..

Another, perfect guy, is trying to have me at the same time, so it’s also like being in a crossroad. What to choose. Perfect option, or Love. Perfect option is 30 years old, totally sexy, nice, smart guy with 3 high education diplomas, working at the firefighter department, sporting every day, funny and so on.. and he wants to have familly.

I dont fucking know. With my Love i have to go through mountains to make him trust relationships and with Perfect option i can have everything so soon 🙂

Totally confused. Dont want to cheat or something.. not my style.

This page is like a diary of my bad days, when i can open old ones and watch how  i went through those shits.

Im sorry if i disturb this page. Idea is suicide.

But You know what.. Before i quit ambulance, at my last shift one of our friend suicided. She was  a nurse in ambulance. That night, after so many years together, accidentally her team got that call and they took her from a rope. Thats a destiny. But i dont blame her. I dont blame suiciders anymore. I drown in Bhudism so deep that not feeling any guiltings to people anymore. Its an option.

Have a nice night everyone! Hope better days will come in Europe 🙂

Keep living. Worth.