Ok so I posted a little poem I wrote on here called Wake Up Call. I wrote it quite a while ago actually, but I didn’t know how I could make it work. How was I supposed to end my life in a way that woke people up? But thanks to a stroke of luck, that problem has been solved, so I decided to post the poem. And I decided to put up some backstory here: Very recently I went to an old friend’s house. His uncle was in town and he had brought his key to a gun safe they keep at my friend’s house. He was showing me all of his guns and what not. He had quite an impressive collection. We brought a handfull of them out to shoot some makeshift targets: stuffed animals, action figures, broken toys, etc. Anyway, I simply held on to one of his 9mm’s. It was surprisingly easy to hide from everyone. I just kept it in my bag and put it in a drawer in my room when I got home. I still don’t know when to do it, but I have it with me for when the time comes. I have been to school with it already. I personally find that hilarious! Nobody has a clue that one of the students is ‘packin heat’. But I think I need to set a date and make a REAL plan. Like a plan plan… Maybe I’ll post that when I figure it out myself… or maybe not. I don’t know….Call me an attention whore if you like, but I promise I don’t want attention. I actually prefer to avoid the ‘spotlight’. But these people… they leave me no other choice. They are such terrible people, but no matter what I say or do, they refuse to change. The way that they are now, they deserve to die. But I can’t kill them. I guess I just don’t have that in me. I’m hoping that by me telling them what I’m going to do because of how they are, and then actually doing it, they will change. Because I have started to tell them it’s going to happen if they don’t change. But they don’t believe me. (Big surprise there right?) So I can only hope that this affects them. And I know that some of you don’t think that my life is worth theirs, but can you think of a better worth for human life? What’s better than changing thousands of people’s minds/attitudes/lives forever? It’s better than finding a wife and having kids that will probably be just as terrible as these abominations, and getting a job and sitting at a desk 9-5 and then retiring at 70 or so then living out the rest of my life too tired to please my now (according to statistics) dead or 2nd wife (if I get one after my 1st leaves me.) Sure that all sounds like a really pessimistic way of thinking, but it’s just what is realistically likely to happen. I think that this is a much more effective use of my life. And I’m happy to do it. Unfortunately, there is a high probability that nothing will come of it. Knowing these people, even my death won’t phase them. At this point, I don’t think anyone or anything can change them. But I have to try. Because I’m the only one who can.
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I’m not sure who the people you’re talking about are, but no one is going to benifit from you killing yourself, so if that’s your reason you should probably reconsider. I assume your refering to either your family or kids in school; neither of those groups of people will have to be with you forever.
But why waste such a chance? A suicidal teen either going to do it alone, at home, with no benifit for sure, or going to die at school, in front of the people that killed him so long ago. Sorry scar, but I’m just trying to salvage 1 thing out of my waste of a life. Its just a shred of hope that I have left. But it’s kind of pathetic that change blooming from my death is the only thing I have left to hope for isn’t it?…
What a horrible place you are in. The years we are in school can be the cruelest years of our lives and so many of us don’t make it out.
The years between 13-18 seem to be an eternity. And seem to take an eternity to pass. They are virtually forever, and we live through days that bleed into each other, never seeming to end.
But the more years that pass, the faster time flows, and those 5 years become a blip in our rearview mirror. Because we get the fuck out of that town or that situation, we get the fuck away from those people, and we better ourselves. And we look back–at first, with a big old FUCK YOU–and then later, with pity, because those people never made it out of that shitty town or shitty situation. School may as well be its own little bubble, its own little world, because when you turn 18 —- that place does not exist anymore.
I wish I could show you what it’s like on the other side. After you’ve outgrown all their trivial bullshit. Years ago, I was you.
I really never thought I’d make it as far as I have. I always wanted to just check out, but it seemed… stupid to me. When I have this opportunity to better some of the people who will go on to be big and important. I have nothing to live for. But I have something to die for.
JustTooLate, if doing this is something that’s meaningful to you, then you must enjoy helping people. Why not stick around and try to set an example for people in your situation? You’d help far more people here than 6 feet under.
I do enjoy helping people. But I am far from an example to be followed. I don’t think someone like me should be giving advice. I’ll just mess up other people’s lives.
All of those people who oppressed me in school? They didn’t make shit of themselves. They are stuck in that tiny little town making mobile homes.
The people that did make it big? THEY were the kind ones, the intelligent ones, the ones who had better things to do than make another student feel like shit.
And they were me. I made it big.
Because I poured all my hatred into getting the hell out of there.
There are wonderful things out there to focus on.
Getting started is always the hardest part. Always.
Im happy for you FED but I promise that I’m not going anywhere. But see, I hate this situation as well. You and scar are trying to help, but I’m just turning you down left and right. Neither of you deserve that. I’m sorry.
You are beautiful. You may not see it yet, but you will.
Turn me down a million times.
It will never make a difference in my perspective.
No need to apologize, we’re all probably like that here. From our own personal perspectives we always see things as unchangable or hopeless. I just hope you will think loooooooooooooooooong and hard about it. 🙁 Like i’ve told many others, you can die any day at any moment. It’s not an option that’s going anywhere, but the chance to do something meaningful in life passes by every second.
You’re too kind. But if you knew me, I don’t think you would have the same opinion of me. I’m what you call a “lost cause”.
We can never be too kind. Its kindnesses like these that make life worth living.
We found you.
So you’re not lost.
@scar you’re right. My chance keeps getting by me. Is it because I’m a wimp? I tell myself to do it every day. Weighing the positives vs the negatives and seeing that the scale always tips the same direction… So why can’t I just do it? Maybe if I set a date…?
@fed You’re right about that. But you have only found my corpse. I have been dead for some time now. If only fate had allowed me to find this site sooner. Fate continues to be cruel, allowing me to meet such nice people only once it’s too late. Just too late.
It won’t be too late until you’re in a hole. After highschool things will change. Maybe everything will turn around for you, but even if they didn’t you’d always have the option to leave.
No doubt. I can sense that you are dead. I imagine many things have killed you.
But as long as I have your ear, your eyes, I can tell you
life shits in your lap
then someone or something comes along and cleans it up
and you laugh
and then life shits in your lap again
and something stitches the wounds
and you find yourself
STRONGER.
time is a *****
and a doctor
and there are gorgeous things to live for
art
and music
and dance
and drink
and love
and the pain of love
and life is not long anyway
It’s tempting… to listen to you and just wait it out. Because like you said, I could still always just check out after giving it a shot. But then I would have missed this chance… Then my death would mean nothing to anyone for sure. You following me?
@fed Life seems to take shits in the wrong people’s laps. I think anyone on this site would agree to that.
I understand how you feel and believe me i’m frequently paralyzed by this whole “should i act now or wait” thought process, but if you were to stay i’d be willing to bet you could do more good while you’re here then you would by making a few people realize bullying cost lives. We already had Amanda Todd do that a couple weeks ago, and we’ve got plenty of other examples. Even if you just stick around for a few more friends/families birthdays or enter a relationship with someone and make them feel loved, you’d be doing a great thing.
I promise you this:
your death
now or later
will tear people apart.
death does that.
everytime.
and if you kill yourself
now or later
it’s not just death
it’s those who LOVED you
DESTROYED.
completely fucking destroyed.
the people who hate you now?
you’ll be lucky if they fuckin care at all
your death, your atomic bomb of an exit–because it will be–likely will be nothing more than gossip to those worthless fucks
a bit of excitement
something to talk about
something to “holy shit!” about
but the people that love you?
you will break their minds.
you will leave them unending pain.
they will never stop blaming themselves.
their hearts will be seared forever with regret and guilt.
trust me.
life takes a shit in everybody’s lap.
you just gotta not shit back.
@scar I’d be doing anyone i’m in contact with a disservice.
@fed Unfortunately my loved ones are non-existant. That involves my ‘story’ and i don’t really want to tell it right now. But I’m aware that it will probably be just gossip like you say. But maybe not… just maybe
you’d be truly surprised who loves you.
i wish we could have coffee, yeah? or tea for me, because i don’t drink coffee. but i’d buy you a coffee.
and you’d argue and say, “no, let me buy your tea.”
and we’d sit
upstairs
in an artsy local coffee house
in a town away from everything
with that wonderful feeling of aloneness and unfamiliar locations
adventure
and we would have a wonderful conversation
That sounds nice. But so do lots of things that just can’t happen.
The choices are
always
more than you realize.
What choices are you talking about?
Well..
it took me years to realize that we have this power to
MAKE
choices.
not “make” as in choose this choice or choose that choice
but actually *make*
as in make *up*
I have made a choice. To do what I am going to do in the way I am going to do it. That is my choice. Nobody is forcing me to do it.
But you could choose
to draw a picture
or write another poem
or learn an instrument
or build things
or walk in the woods
or walk in the rain
or write a limerick
or volunteer at a homeless shelter
or mentor a youth
I have drawn pictures
I have written plenty
I play piano
I built a mini greenhouse for a retirement center
I walk many places
I walk in any weather
I write what I feel
I volunteer whenever I can
Not gonna mentor anyone when I can’t get my own shit together
But even after all this, it’s just too late my friend.
All those things will be a treasure to you
years from now
and more
and because your shit has been a disaster
is precisely why
you could mentor
a friend, you are.
Who would benefit from my mentoring?
It is unfortunate that we will never meet. It is also unfortunate that we probably won’t even speak again after tonight.
people like you
and people like me
would benefit.
i hope we do speak again.
What has made you stick with this post as long as you have?
because you’re talking to me, too.
and unlike you, i’m trying to survive.
no, i’m *going* to survive.
That’s good. Good luck! That’s the determination I have too. Just in the opposite way. See, you would make a much better mentor!
You’re doing a fine job of mentoring, my friend.
Heh, Okay. This conversation turned weird. xD
🙂
I feel like people saw this post and read our conversation and didn’t comment because they didn’t wanna interrupt or something. Or thought that I had someone to talk to and didn’t feel the need to comment. I wish people didn’t feel that way. Or maybe all these post views came from just me and you alone fed…wow. Oh and scar from earlier. Just a thought.
I noticed the views too. I hope others took solace in our words in whatever way they needed.
I am glad you mentioned it, to open the thread, if anyone else would like to join. or if they would rather just read.
whatever we can give.
Yea I don’t want anyone to feel that they need to do either, but I want to help any way I can.
<3 you are.