Tired of everything

I’ve been battling depression since I was 16, without even knowing what was wrong with me. I found out last year after everything fell to pieces. At 23 I had 2 cancer scares, the depression took over at that stage, I couldn’t pretend to be happy anymore. Then I was on  a mixture of meds. At once stage my dosage was doubled as I was being bullied in work. They never left me on any one antidepressant for longer than a month. By Christmas I was a zombie, either I was just there or I was crying. I couldn’t control how I felt, I was going 3 days without sleep, my self harming was out of control. My parents took me away for 7 months to live with them in America. I talked to someone every week and it helped a little. Since I came home, everything has fallen apart again. I’ve been diagnosed with pcos. And while this may not be the most serious of things, I cannot cope anymore. I have been trying to keep myself afloat, looking after 2 puppies, one of which almost died, and I have lost all but 2 of my friends. Both of these friends have moved away for jobs, and even though we keep in contact a lot, it’s not the same. I try talking to family members about how lonely and hurt I feel, and about how this pcos and everything that comes with it, is upsetting and so hard to deal with, but when I do I just get told, “It could be worse”. I am sick of hearing that. I know it could be worse. But at this stage I feel I’ve dealt with enough, and still am. My cutting is increasing again, my moods are worse, my eating habits have gone back to awful and I’ve stopped working out. I just don’t have the energy, strength or will to keep fighting. It feels like everytime I think I may be getting better something else is waiting to smack me in the face and push me back down. Why should I bother when it seems like I’ll just keep being pushed back down. I don’t care about it being “character building”, I don’t want to fight anymore, I’m done with fighting. It took everybody in my life 7 years to realise something was wrong with me, and that only happened because of the cancer scares and how they drained me of what I had left. The rest I got in America seemed to just add the fuel back to the acting like everything is ok again. I only feel somewhat okay when I’m cutting, or when my pups are licking me (which they only do for like 5 mins).

I honestly don’t feel like anyone would really care if I died. I’ve been contemplating suicide since I was 15 or 16. I wouldn’t do it as I saw what it did to my family when my grandfather did it. I don’t want to cause that pain. Instead I pretend I’m getting better so my family don’t feel bad and I do. I feel so rotten and empty on the inside. My fear is, one day it’ll get too much and I will do something. I just feel so alone. I have lost so many friends because they didn’t like depressed me and just ignored me and left. I know they aren’t real friends, but knowing you have no friends to meet up with or call over to chat with, it’s lonely.