Such as my username suggests, I’m not sure who I am and am still searching. I’m 20 right now and I just feel pretty depressed as many are. I am always confused as to what the meaning of my responses or actions to anything is. If I do something kind..do i do this kind thing because I am a kind person or because acting kind is part of what I was raised to do because it is the most acceptable way to act in this life?  I have one true friend..one best friend and she’s my roommate at our dorm and always cooks for the both of us because I for some reason don’t want to learn to cook because I’m afraid I’ll cause a big problem or will get in her way and there is the fact that yes I can be absolutely lazy. She says that I haven’t been treating her like a friend lately and I feel as though we aren’t as close as we used to be..but I don’t want her to leave. I’m not sure if the reason is because I care about her or because I depend on her so much….I always feel like I’m possibly a horrible person and am just putting on an act of kindness.
Besides personality-wise, I don’t know what I am to call myself based on sexuality. I have had boyfriends and I have had a girlfriend. However, I don’t feel attracted to anyone. And I have never achieved an orgasm..though I am a virgin.
I don’t understand the purpose of my life. Why am I here? And don’t talk to me about God for I am not religious. I have never self-harmed myself…but others that I know have…and I sometimes feel the inclination to do so…just to see how it feels. I wish people wouldn’t die….I have yet to lose a loved one. Everyday I feel absolutely paranoid and afraid that someone I love will die..whether it be my cat..or a family member or even a friend. I also feel paranoid of my own life. I’m too afraid to drive alone because I’m afraid of car accidents. I have been in a car accident once… it wasn’t very bad..but it still left me traumatized although I was afraid of driving even before that. I know that driving is very important for where I live…but I’m just so afraid. The two times I actually went driving.. I got very lost..and it was embarrassing.one of the times I ended up in a ditch because I turned too fast..and the other time I made an illegal u-turn because I had missed a turn and had to turn around. I’m very frustrated with myself. I feel like I’m unable to cope with life and don’t belong here.
I am adopted and I have seen my real family..like three times during my life.. since I was about 5 or 6. I want to see them again since they have moved to a different state…and they are willing to give me tickets..but my mother right now doesn’t like the idea and refuses to talk about it with me and won’t let me go. I could go alone with my friend but I feel bad about lying to her and when will I have time to go without her knowing? I’m in college and I haven’t go t a job yet..but I know she’ll be nagging me about getting one next summer.
I really regret many things in my life. There are so many things I didn’t achieve that I wish i did when I was a child. I wish I had spent more time with my little cousin cause now she’s just become a teenager and doesn’t want to spend time with me as much because I guess I’m just a grownup to her. I spent time with all my little cousins recently because I haven’t seen them in so long…and all they did was talk about things…that included sexual things..and I just felt depressed about it..and wasn’t used to them talking about such things since I knew them when they were kids. I ended up crying in the bathroom. I know it’s pathetic.
I did try to get help for depression once in college because I had stopped attending an art class that was putting a lot of pressure on me and went to the suicide prevention/ counseling center on campus. The lady I talked to told me that I couldn’t be diagnosed with anything and that my problems weren’t a big deal.
I don’t mean to whine..I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I can cope much longer. I feel like an extra baggage for everyone because of how much I am unable to cope and deal with everything. I’m not sure what I want to do in life and if I’m on the right path. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing here. I don’t feel very connected to people around me.
1 comment
its all going to be fine…