An existential question while being incredibly high, and scared.

So, here I am, 5:30 in the morning. Still haven’t slept since waking up at 7 pm. I go outside for a cigarette. I finish smoking it. I’m on the phone with my friend, in the meanwhile. I’m about to go inside and some random guy walking by at 5:30 in the morning asks to use my phone. I go, okay. I tell my friend I’ll call him back, and let him use the phone. Then when he’s done, he wants me to wait for his friend calls back. I say, not too long, but okay. He offers me weed he has on him. He asks me if I smoke. I say okay. He asks if I smoke anything else, anything like meth. I say no. He offers me meth. I say no. Are you sure, he asks. I say yes. Then his friend doesn’t call, but I tell him it’s cold out and I want to go inside. He asks to use my phone again, to call someone else. I say okay. As soon as he gets my phone, guy starts walking away. At this point, I am really, really high. I freak out, that he is going to steal my phone. I chase after him. Then he won’t get off the phone, and tells me that I am paranoid, holding on to his arm. Then, I tell him I am really high and scared, and I need to call my friend, and go inside. My friend doesn’t pick up. I try to go inside. The guy blocks me with his body between the door and me. He will not let me by. I am terrified. He tells me I am scared of nothing and he tells me he wants to use my phone. I barely somehow get past him, telling him I will scream and wake up my roommates if he doesn’t let me by. Then he wedges his arm in the doorway and won’t let me close the door. Just a kiss, he says. You’re beautiful, he says. I tell him we are total strangers, and for him to insist on getting a kiss from me, wedging himself inside the house is really weird. I am still terrified. I finally somehow manage to close the door on him and lock it. He says he’s going to come by tomorrow.

So, the question in my mind during this episode was: Why am I scared of this man stealing my phone, or hurting me, if I really want to kill myself? Is it because I don’t want to kill myself? Is it because I think getting hurt is a totally different thing from dying, while one is suffering, the other could be relief.

Even after I finally got inside the house, I couldn’t figure out an answer.

I am still high as fuck, as I write this. And still mildly scared.