I’ve Stopped

I’ve stopped, cutting that is. I haven’t done it in a while. since the last time I posted on here. it’s kind of odd seeing my wrist with nothing but scars, no new cuts. I stopped because my friends would get mad at me, it even got to the point where teacher’s would get involved. I’ll admit that I was mad at everyone for a while, telling teacher’s my secret. Now everyone looks at me different.

Even the guy that I like doesn’t talk to me, he looks at me sometimes, with a look of sadness, but other than that, he doesn’t give me the time of day. Now that my secret has been exposed, people are always checking up on me, my teachers, the school counselor, my friends will ask me every day “are you okay? you’re not sad again are you? talk to me.” and I’m just so fed up. I want things to go back to how it was. before people knew. at least then I wasn’t underneath a microscope, people watching my every move. it’s exhausting.

I didn’t cut to end my life, I mean that’s what I thought I was doing, but no. now that I think about it, cutting for me, is my way of relieving stress, to put the pain I feel inside on the outside, where it’s physical and I can control it and endure it. when the pain is inside, I just feel so weak. like I can’t do anything right. that’s why I cut. whether this makes sense or not. that’s why.

I don’t know. I’m so confused. I’m always confused. I’m only happiest when I’m with my best friend Kalvin. but he’s gone. he left me. just like everyone else. I have had my share of trust issues. but now that he’s gone, I have no one. he was my anchor and now that he’s gone. I just. can’t. I don’t know. we haven’t spoken in two months because of a stupid petty argument.

I don’t know what to do.