Pain.

I’d say I have good reasons for wanting to go, personally. Even just going beyond the basics of the depression, agoraphobia, social anxiety, borderline, etc. And yes, I’ve tried all the treatments for those. Over a dozen different medications over the years, plus a course or two of ECT, no success.

My entire life, I’ve lived with pain. I’ve had a headache, every waking moment of every day. Sometimes better, sometimes worse, but always there. Constant, unrelenting pain. I’ve gone to doctor after doctor, had multiple EEGs, x-rays, CT scans, even an MRI. And yet the docs have never been able to figure out a cause, or what’s going on. Just the pain. Standard painkillers don’t even touch it. I’m forty, and the only time I don’t hurt is when I’m sleeping. Tonight is especially bad. Suspending hurt less, and that involved hanging from fish hooks.

In addition, a few years back I started to shake, and occasionally stutter. It’s mainly my hands/arms that shake, and worse when I’m under stress, anxious, or emotional. Over time, it got worse. Two years back I saw a doctor about it. More tests, more poking and prodding, and a diagnosis that’s a non-diagnosis. According to the doctors I have something called ‘essential tremor’. Meaning they don’t know what’s causing the shaking, and it’s just going to keep getting worse.

So yeah. Major mental illness, constant pain, and a ‘progressive neurological disorder’. Sure sounds like fun, doesn’t it? And yet when I say I want to die, all I hear about is ‘what about the pain you’re causing others?’ Tell you what, lets let them live 30-40 years with these issues, and see how willing they are to go on.