Today has been such a hard day. I go with my family and we pretend everything is okay. I heard my cousins talking about me and saying how great it is that I have made improvements and how I am not crazy anymore. If only they knew how I was still feeling, how much I still hate life and how I don’t want to be here anymore. They would probably say I am even crazier than before. I wish I could be happy. I wish I wasn’t known as the “crazy one” in my family because I have tried to kill myself before. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I pray that things will get better but for years nothing has changed. I just feel so hopeless. Has anyone else had it hard this thanksgiving?
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3 comments
well somthing like that it just there were no thanksgiving ve just sat whit my mother not talking to each other it was depresing
I hear you loud and clear. I’m starting to really hate family gatherings. Maybe I’m just trying to detach myself, to make it easier to step off the bridge when the time comes.
Faking happiness and enthusiasm is hard. I try not to envy family members who enjoy opportunities I never had. I try to celebrate their successes and not feel bitter about the loss of my own wasted opportunities. It’s getting harder and harder. I’m pushing them away and at the same time wishing I could just drop this load of bullshit, resentment, and anger and put myself back together. Why do I believe do strongly that I deserve my Hell?
It is just so hard when your family, the people who are suppose to love you unconditionally don’t even understand. I feel like if they don’t accept me how will anyone else. Holidays are the worst. I know I should be happy and celebrating but I would rather curl up into a hole and just never come out. Things just aren’t the way I wanted them to be. Ya know? But i feel the same as you. A lot of the times I feel like I deserve this pain and suffering..